Thursday, December 4, 2008
The Blog Where The Geek In Me Beats Up The Nerd In Me...Or Top Ten Television Shows That Ended Or Were Cancelled WAY TOO SOON!
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Any ways, Douchey was what we in the dating world would call...a total TOOL! The kind of guy who wines all day and gets mad when you don't answer his text message immediately! The guy who says I love you and talks marriage after ONE WEEK!!!! Look, I am all for love and the pursuit of it but this guy makes real men look bad! What ever happened to real men? This guy wore terry cloth track suits for hells sake! No one except sweaty mobsters or Jennifer Lopez wears terry cloth jump suits!! What happened to guys who don't take crap from anyone? Guys who came to chew bubble gum and kick some ass, but they're all out of bubble gum?
And here is the kicker, you will never belive what "Douchey" did for "Betty's" birthday. He KNIT her a HAT! I'll write it a gain KNIT...HER....A...HAT!!!! First off, I can understand if you were in a family group or ward activity where everyone was kniting and you HAD to as well but that's not the case. This guy spent days ALONE in his room KNITTING A HAT FOR HIS GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And go figure, she ends up dumping him a month or so later for being "too much of a wuss". I am a firm believer that most heterosexual women don't want to date a man who has more of a vagina than they do. It's no wonder why so many normal guys get put into "the friend zone".
Here is a tip for you Douchey, next time you think about picking up your knitting needles, go ahead and knit yourself a pair of balls.
I'm done -
P.S. The scottish males in the olden days all knit thier kilts. But, they HAD to knit them they didn't choose to knit them. Plush Scott's are total badasses!
you can check out some of the clips from my stand up Comedy at www.myspace.com/neilhiattcomedy
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
3:00 P.M. - 4:00 P.M. - Eats an entire box of nails and shits out a birdhouse.
4:00 P.M. - 5:00 P.M. - Kills an entire terrorist camp by himself commando style!
5:00 P.M. - 6:00 P.M. - Rescues his wife and daughter.
6:00 P.M. - 7:00 P.M. - Bare knuckle boxes a Wolverine because he was bored.
7:00 P.M. - 8:00 P.M. - Finds out there is a second CIA mole.
8:00 P.M. - 9:00 P.M. - Exposes second CIA Mole!
9:00 P.M. - 10:00 P.M. -Kicks Ass!!!!
10:00 P.M. - 11:00 P.M. - Takes Names!!!!
11:00 P.M. - 12:00 A.M. - SAVES THE FREAKING WORLD!!!!
So in conclusion don't watch the riveting series "24" because you will realize what a spinning vacuous void your life has become.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
30 Sad & Puzzling Facts About Me & Life in General
1. Without Myspace or Facebook I wouldn’t remember anyone’s names, birthdays or sexual orientation. (It’s true and it’s not that I don’t love and respect you…I just don’t love and respect you enough to remember your birthday…sorry).
2. People are only nice on Holidays and even then it’s so you can get nice shit.
3.Every year, I draw closer to the realization that I will never grow proper facial hair. It has become apparent that the only cheeks on me where hair will grow are not the good kind like I want. I can only grow a thin mustache (which is reserved only for child molesters and our culturally strong friends from across the border) and “scruff” under my chin as well as on my neck…like a testosterone injected female body builder.
4. Dumb people will always have higher paying jobs than me.
5. “Mormon Movies” are basically poorly made exploitation films. Like Blacula and Coffee before them; we are now about a stones throw away from “Mormon Dracula” or “Zombies & Zoobies”* * - Zombies & Zoobies Trademarked by Michelle Flowers and Erin Seaward.
6. We go to years of college only to get a substandard paying job with little or no escape. (Keep sweeping up those floors Dr. so and so).
7. Sometimes I think I am dying when really everything is okay.
8. I am very judgmental. Not the greatest fact but I don’t judge based on outward appearance and status. I judge based upon people’s actions.
9. I hold a grudge for a long period of time. (I believe that you should trust and respect everyone with the same respect you want, that is until they give you a reason not to trust or respect them).
10. I go to Utah Valley University (Formerly UVSC) and the big Joke at BYU is to call UVU, “Utah Valley High School”. When I used to book comedy for UVSC events and dances over three-fourths of the audience that showed up was from BYU, grossly outnumbering the UVU students. So, if UVU is being compared to a high school and over half of the people who show up for our events is from BYU, what does that make BYU? That means BYU is like that creepy guy who graduated from high school but keeps coming back to hang out in the parking lot and scam for barely legal trim. You know, the guy who thinks he’s is really cool but in reality is just a pompous douche bag? Yeah, BYU? Don’t be that guy.
11. God put Assholes on the earth for one reason and one reason only, to have something to compare our lives to. Someone who we can say, “Man, no matter how bad my life gets…at least I’m not that guy.”
12. I love Mi Rancherito and Chili’s….but I hate diarrhea….conundrum?
13. BLUETOOTH! While it is an awesome breakthrough in technology…DON’T LEAVE IT IN YOUR EAR ALL DAY!!!! You are not so important that you can’t take it out while you’re eating! And if you are talking on it leave the room because you look ridiculous.
14. Dill pickles are an abomination before God and should be wiped from the face of the Earth.
15. Cats SUCK! They are cute as kittens but then they grow, shed, hack and try to suffocate you when you sleep!
16. If am having a good day and someone asks if I am okay or ornery, that in fact makes me ornery. (Their fault! If they would have just left me alone!)
17. When someone asks for my “honest opinion”…trust me, that’s the last thing they want to hear.
18. Sometimes I will say hi to people and their reaction alone makes me think they don’t like me…and these are people I have never even spoken too.
19. I hate being right about life situations, especially bad ones.
20. Fish make terrible pets, they rarely survive and they can’t fetch or protect a house.
21. Mitt Romney said he believes, “That Christ is the savior of the world and that he died for us and is the king of all mankind”… then some stupid spokeswoman turns around and comments back by saying, yes... He said all that, but he never said “I’m a Christian” so who is to say he is Christian? DUH!!!!!!!!!… Doesn’t Christian mean that you believe Christ is the savior? And isn’t that what he said?? This world is SOOO freaking stupid. And that lady… I don’t even know where to start with her ignorance.
22. I don’t vote…Sue me.
23. The woman on the wheat thins box is HOT but WAY out of my league.
24. Writers block sucks!!!!!!!!
25. Sometimes when I am walking around listening to my IPOD I keep the headphones in my ears but don’t listen to music…I do this so I can avoid actually having to talk to people. Because nothing says “Piss off” like IPOD headphones.
26. I hate it when people don’t recognize the power of the “Piss off” headphones.
27. I don't actully like having attention. Yes my personality draws attention but I would much rather sit back and watch than have people focus on me.
28. When someone is labeled as a “People Person” it just means that they communicate with others well. But the truth is most often the “People Person” or “People Personai” does not like other people and are not very well liked either.
29. I am a “People Person”.
30. My Name is Neil Spencer Hiatt and I am the only person like me I know.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
1. When they close down a zoo, if they can't find new homes for the animals they eat them.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
- Back To The Future - CLASSIC! I first saw this movie when I was 3 years old. My Grandmother had a copy she had recorded from TV on VHS and I would stand in front of the Television with a ping-pong Paddle and pretend to play the Johnny B Good song Marty sang at the end. Funny, Quirky dialog and well rounded characters made this one of my top favorites. I actually hate it when people don't get the significance of 88 Miles Per Hour. They really don't make movies like this anymore, lovable characters, great script, comedy action suspense and a pretty creepy sub plot if you think about it...But either way YOU HAVE TO LOVE THIS MOVIE.
- Superman 2 - I loved Superman 1 but Superman 2 is by far my favorite out of the series. General Zod and 2 other prisoners of Krypton escape when they crash land on Earth. I used to have a pair of superman pajamas and my dad would fly me around the house as superman and he would play ZOD he would even pretend that it hurt when I crushed his hand at the end of the movie. We would sit down and watch this movie ALL weekend when I would visit. I can look back and see that he probably was sick of it but every time we went to blockbuster he would let me rent it, which makes him a pretty kickass person.
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - I am willing to bet in the late eighties and again in the early nineties pizza sales skyrocketed and it was all because someone said "How about turtles that are mid-pubescent and are also ninjas?" My favorite was Raphael because he was a loner on the edge and because I thought it was funny when he would yell you "DAMMMN!"
- The Dirt bike Kid - What do you get when you have a magic motorcycle, a local hot dog hang out that's about to be bulldozed by a corporate giant, Van Halen on the soundtrack and that kid from the Christmas story? Probably the greatest cheese ball comedy ever produced. It's about a boy who buys a dirt bike that for some reason (not explained in the movie) is magic and can fly...that's right FLY! How rad is that? If anyone has a copy of this on VHS please let me know!
- Indiana Jones (1-3) Yeah I know that these are 3 separate movies but the truth is they all make up one whole part of my childhood...also it's my list so SCREW YOU! Harrison ford plays the whip toting archaeologist brainchild of George Lucas and Steven Spielberg and basically forms the epitome of all that is man.
- Star Wars (4-6) The original star wars even before the special edition made up a good 3 years of my life writing short stories in my basement bedroom about my friends and I being Jedi's and having light sabers as well as speeder bikes....basically anything that hovered or made a "Woosh" sound was enough to hold my attention at that age.
- Christmas Vacation - I only have one question....What the hell happened to Chevy Chase? There was the original Vacation, Christmas Vacation and Fletch and then there wasn't a whole lot else...This is a classic for my dad and I. He loves slapstick and it's probably the only National Lampoons to throw some warm family ties in along with it. Animal house is great but Christmas Vacation is the tops.
- My Pet Monster - I can not find this movie ANYWHERE!!!! It's not even on amazon! This is a movie about a nerdy boy who gets transformed into a monster after staring into the eyes of a statue at the local museum. The suit was basically a glorified fur costume, like the ones they use at Disneyland. There was also a cartoon spin off that is easier to find on you tube than the actual movie.
- Ghostbusters - Bill Murray replaced John Belushi when he died as the role of Peter Vankman and it has become a classic. I love the gags, the 80's special effects (including the puppets) and the theme song gets stuck in your head for days. When I was 3 years old I got a full proton pack set for my birthday, they put it in my lap and I fell over into my Grandmother's rhubarb patch...my dad has it on film and every year on my birthday he says, for example when I turned 22, "It was nineteen years ago today that you fell in the rhubarb..." But I loved this movie! My aunt took a childs sized air force jumper and sewed on the Ghostbusters symbol. I loved it so much I wore it all the time, even when we went to Lagoon and it was 115 degrees outside and refused to take it off. I remember watching it years later and cathing all of the jokes that I didn't get when I was a kid making this a nostalgic classic for me.
- The Christmas Story - This one needs no explanation (considering that it is on TNT 24 hours a day all through the month of December). Suffice it to say this is probably the only thing my mother and I share as a "Common Interest" when it comes to movie appreciation.
So...that's my top ten list of movies that defined my childhood, obviously there are many, MANY more I could add such as the secret of nihm and An american tale but they wouldn't call up the memories that the ones I put up do.
So with that list being made I just have to say....They don't make them like they used to. Movies now a day are more concerned with ticket sales, special effects and pandering than making quality film from fresh ideas. When was the last time you've seen a movie that wasn't a sequel of an older movie or a re-imagining? Though Batman Begins ROCKED it still wasn't an original idea. I can't even think of the last truely original movie in a long time....and it makes me sad.
P.S. The Dark Knight is coming out in July and I couldn't be more excited!!!!
Thursday, April 24, 2008
What's that you say? You've never seen a real man before?
Well, search no more baby because you're looking at a real 100%, Grade A, all American come and get it M...A...N.
Be it the sophisticated pallet,
The Restaurant Aficionado,
Or Just The Man About Town,
Yes I am a man in all the ways everyone else is not.
But do you want to know what really makes me a man?
That's right, my Springfield XD 9MM Hand Gun!
Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought "I don't like myself, I feel weak and useless."
Or have girls ever turned you down for dates?
Well Amigo then you are not a man....until you buy a gun!
That's right a gun can fill in all the holes that insecurity and society leave behind!
It's America's answer to all of life's problems...
Don't like yourself? Buy a gun!
Job Stressing you out? Buy a gun!
Feeling inadequate? Buy a gun!
Can't seem to please women? Buy a REALLY BIG gun!
Do you think this guy has any trouble reeling in the ladies?
I don't think so!
So now that you know what a REAL man looks like, how do you feel?
Yeah, I know, it's a lot to take in all at once...but don't be afraid.
My gun will keep you safe...
Friday, March 28, 2008
Sherlock Holmes had Professor Moriarty,
Batman had The Joker,
Bart Simpson had Sideshow Bob,
and L. Ron Hubbard had God....
And what do I have? Nada...zip...zilch!
In the 22 years I have been on this earth I have yet to secure a definite "Mortal Enemy". Someone who fills the hallways of their home (or castle) with the galled and hateful cries of Neil Spencer Hiatt’s name. A person who spends his/her waking hours planning and plotting my demise. Writhing in agony with every breath I take!
I find the whole idea exciting and to be honest utterly romantic.
I bring up this topic only because you would think that after 22 years there would at least be 1 person (or hopefully a legion of persons, with a union and a cool name like "The Order of Chaos" or The Legion of Pain") who would seek me out as a nemesis...but sadly no one has yet.
I have had people who dislike me and people who fear me but no one who has really reached the rank of "Archenemy". Sadly to say there has been no wanna be enemy that I myself have found worthy. Most of the people who have tried to be my nemesis have failed to reach my high expectations for "Archvilliany" (I mean honestly I at least would like one contender who can properly speak and spell) They were either too dense or too tall....
The worst part about it is I have friends and colleagues who have Mortal Enemies
My Friend Brad Taylor
has an ever long Feud with the Wal-Mart and K-Mart Stores
and my Father Vernon Hiatt Seems to think the University of Utah is his Arch Nemesis
But, If I did have a Mortal Enemy they would have to fulfill these simple requirements
1. He/she would have to employ henchmen at their beck and call. All of which are dim witted and completely uncoordinated when it comes to hand to hand combat.
Henchmen are to be supplied by the Nemesis and given full benefits (being that the union is strong in that field).
2. The Applying Enemy has to be challenging so an extensive knowledge in engineering, psychology and if possible an endless supply of wealth or funding for evil is required.
3. The Mortal Enemy is required once a month to threaten or denounce me in public or at least make an attempt on my life and once a year unveil their "Master Plan" to take over the world in which I will foil every year. Also as a sub-clause you will be required to capture me, putting my life in peril in some contraption of sure doom only to have me escape at the last second is required.
4. They have to either be AS good looking as I am or horribly disfigured...nothing more...
5. They have to be between 5 Ft and 5 Ft 11 inches No one over 6 ft allowed.
6. Every 5 years we have to team up to thwart a new "Super criminal". We will resentfully work together in foiling this new villains plan and in the process realize that "we aren’t so different after all" and after defeating the said "Super villian" we will continue our hatred for each other while holding a silent new found
respect for one another.
7. When it comes to your death it HAS to be dramatic. Also if we want to work in a subplot of where it appears that I die while defeating you only to rise a year later under a new name and living a quiet simpler life that scenario could be arranged as well.
8. I have all rights to woo and seduce any and all Attractive Female henchmen/mistresses/concubines you may have but not the other way around.
9. All merchandising, trademarks, and likeness will be held by myself and all profits as well.
10. You have to have a cool name. If you don’t have one we can supply you with one such as Professor Killgore, Dr. Ambersythe, or Commander Torment.
Well I hope this all goes well and that I can find my Mortal Enemy Soon.
I know this may seem a little out of context to other things I write about but this requires some thought.
Today I saw a preview for a, well I guess you could call it a "movie" that is coming out called "Meet the Spartans"...are you kidding me?
The brilliantly written tag line read, "From the people who brought you Date Movie and Epic Movie..."
They might as well have put, "From the people who shit in a bag to find out how many people will buy tickets to see this" on the poster and I could stand outside the theatre and get my moneys worth laughing at all of you slack jawed, popped collared, tilted hat, yuppie, frat boy dickwads who line up to go see it. Hell I'd even bring popcorn.
And what the hell are we making now? There are no jokes, there is no real parody, all they do is take scenes from popular movies send them through a shredder and then tape what's left over and film a BAD movie! The jokes are hackney and forced and you have no respect for anyone involved. I'm not saying parody is the mother of all movies, that's not the case at all it's just that there was a day when the genre was actually funny and well made but now....I weep when I hear about the next parody movie that is coming out.
The funny thing is some of you people out there are saying "Man, I thought that looked funny and Epic Movie was hilarious!"
And if you are saying that then I want you to do me a favor...Go into the kitchen, open up the cupboard under the sink, pull out the drano and take a long hard swig because it's YOUR fault this shit is being made in the first place. Every time you buy a ticket or god forbid rent the video you are telling the makers of the film that people actually want this kind of crap...same goes for bad superhero movies coming out (I liked Batman Begins and 2 of the three Spiderman movies but ever since they announced Ghost Rider 2 I have given up all hope for the theatre).
Look I know we are in a writers strike but come on...Meet the Spartans....Really? That's the best we can do?
I challenge anyone out there to make a better movie. Hell give me a home video camera, some editing equipment and a month and I swear to the almighty that I could make a 10 minute comedy that would flatten all two hours of Epic Movie, Date Movie, Meet The Spartans and fucking star wars 3 (a parody in and of itself)'s balls! Hell you or my 2 year old nephew could make a better movie.
So please...I am acually begging you...please don't support this crap and if you really want to see it? It will be out on cable REALLY soon...TRUST ME.
Was she happy with us before the end? Did she love me the way I loved her?
Was I anything more than a screw up in our lives?
Oddly enough one of the major questions that has been in my mind lately is...
I wonder what song she thought was ours? (Weird I know)
I know what song I thought was but what did SHE feel was OUR song?
Was it the one I wrote for her or the one we heard when we first kissed?
Did she use it to lull herself to sleep?
Did she smile as the notes brushed past her ears and danced off into the air forever?
If I found that song and played it would you come back?
If yes I'll play them all and if not...I will keep writing till you do.
Lately, all the days up to and including this one I have found myself becoming more and more irritated at little things in my life and notice the tolerance for some of the people around me growing short, like a candle at the end of it's wick or more appropriately a fuse at the end of it's powder keg.
For some reason every person and every stupid insignificant thing has been annoying the crap out of me (I know that when the climate and seasons change everyone gets really edgy and irritable with what they call "Seasonal affective disorder" or S.A.D.).
But the truth is when I step back and take a look at what it is that REALLY is upsetting me then it all starts to make sense.
I know it's been two years and I know Chelsea isn't coming back but that doesn't change the fact that it happened and I still feel loss over it and how hard it is to let go. I've never once heard of grief having a timetable.
Another major problem is when I get into new relationships the only thing I think of when I'm out on dates is "God, Chelsea would have loved this, I wish I paid more attention to these things when she was around." which is totally unfair to all parties involved and then, BAM, we are back at square one again.
But the problem isn't any of the previous statements, all of that stuff is only a small tangent in the larger spectrum of this Cluster F$&K.
The thing that is really bothering me is that sometimes I try and think of all that we went through and all that we experienced and it feels like it was another life all together. How can two years feel like 20?
I hate that! I hate that what was only a short time ago seems like someone else lived it and I was just sitting idly by watching it happen.
I try and think about specific events and emotions and it feels like I am watching an old home movie or filmstrip in a dark room where the picture is starting to blur and the sound crackles and fades in the moments where I want it to fade the least. I know it's a cheesy analogy but you see where I am going with this.
It's strange how we can remember the smallest details about someone yet we can't remember the significant events that held us so close together.
I remember the tiniest details of Chelsea things like how she couldn't wink no matter how hard she tried, it was more like strained blinking. I would laugh at her futile attempts then she would smile and punch me in the arm.
Sometimes she would pull back her hair and puff up her cheeks and do a spot on impression of Cindy Lou Who from How the Grinch Stole Christmas.
She was also a die hard Beatles fan, and not one of those "Oh I like The Beatles but only know one song" fans, we are talking anything and everything about them she knew. She also had a massive crush on Dhani Harrison, George Harrison Son.
These are just a few things that I love about Chelsea that I can name off the top of my head. Truthfully there are others I could share but I selfishly choose to hold onto those moments for myself and hope you can forgive me on that end.
I know that I will eventually see her again and have the questions I want answered but as Tom Petty once wrote "Waiting is the hardest part".
I'm sorry I couldn't write more (or more clearly for that matter) but it has been a rough day and I just want to dream.
Thank you for listening,
Neil Spencer Hiatt
Now I know what you're thinking, "Neil, why are you wasting your time writing a list of things that must go and that you hate, when you could be using your time to write a list of positive things?"
Well first off…who the hell do you think you are? Telling me what I should or should not write…screw you.
Does that answer your question?
Yes, I understand I could write a nice list of hopes and dreams like pills that make your farts smell better, double fudge cookie dough ice cream that has 0 calories or world peace, but come on....where is the humor in that? And being the endearing cynic that I am I will go with the list that pleases me. And as a warning, this is all opinion and is not intended to sway, offend or hurt you. If I do in fact insult anyone then I am deeply sorry.
So without further upheaval I present to you…In no particular order…
Neil Spencer Hiatt's List of Things That Must Go or Things That Peeve Me Off!!!!
1. Dill Pickles! Gross! (I can deal with relish or sweet pickles but dill is disgusting).
2. Doctor and Celebrity endorsed diet fads. (I'm looking at you Atkins, with your heart murmur inducing low carb B.S.)
3. The mindset that your college degree and/or job equals who you are as a human being. (I know that not everyone thinks this way but for the ones that do…it's just sad, god forbid we think of things like compassion and unconditional love for our fellow man).
4. People who when you ask "What's up?" point to the sky or look up. (That's not WHAT is up, that's WHERE is up! And you sir or madam are a douche bag).
5. Anyone who waits more than 2 seconds after the light turns green to go. (FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD, MOVE YOUR ASS!!!!)
6. Hypocrisy (Yes I see the irony here. I am a Hypocrite because by making this list I am not showing unconditional love and tolerance for my fellow man. Well I agree, I am a Hypocrite but at least I own up to it. I made this list of things that must go and by hell there are things I do on here that peeve me off too. We aren't perfect but if we accept our faults with humility then it is a good start right?)
7. Star Wars Episodes I, II, and III (Dear George Lucas, Special effects do not make up for half assed writing, third assed acting and quarter assed directing. Cordially, Neil).
8. The fact that not one good movie has been made out of a Video Game. (I weep for what the Halo movie might be like and Uwe Bolle is on my "People I wish were never born list, along side Paris Hilton, Bill O'Riley and every boy band ever made).
9. When "Foreign Film" is considered as a "Film Genre". (David Moore brought this to my attention and he was right. "Foreign film" is not a genre, it just means that the movie was filmed and produced in a foreign country. It doesn't make it any better or worse it just makes it subtitled).
10. When I give my entire order at the drive-thru, slowly and clearly, only to have the attendant say, "Wait…what was the first thing you wanted again?" (Oh man, I don't want to hate you…but you really leave me no choice).
11. When I am asked at friends or relatives weddings, "So Neil, when are you going to settle down and get married?" (WHAT? That's a pretty personal question don't you think? How about when I am good and damn ready. What if I started asking when your next Gynecologist appt. was? Or When you were going to stop asking personal question and just die already? Yeah that's what I thought...)
12. Anyone who begins a sentence/rebuttal with "According to the word or Well the (insert any Religious leader/ Doctor/ Television Doctor/Oprah you want here) said…blah, blah, blah." (I am a spiritual person and have deep beliefs for my faith, I love it! But the truth is MOST people have no clue about what they are really saying. If you teach a parrot a phrase it can say it, hell it can even read it…but it has no clue as to what it means. If you want to know unconditional empathy, love and compassion it comes with experience, not play by play explanation. I'm not saying I have it all right or figured out, because I don't. But if I have experienced it at face value and you haven't…then you have little say on the matter. And this doesn't negate my love for any Religious Leader/Doctor/Television Doctor/Oprah at all; in fact, it strengthens my love for them…well, maybe not for Oprah).
13. Parachute Pants! (No matter what day, holiday, or year it is…they are never okay, you look STUPID!)
14. Mullets (See Parachute Pants).
15. And Finally My Endearing Cynicism (Yes it brings joy to some but it has burned its bridge or two…it's known as a double edged sword).
Well, that about does it for now. If you have anything you would like to say about or heck even ADD to the list please feel free!
Neil Spencer Hiatt Oct. 15th 2007
I remember hearing once in the sixth grade, from my old Friend Kyle Robbins who I haven't seen since junior high...it's odd how we can call people our friends and forget them the very next summer...anyways coming back from that tangent, I remember hearing once through that wonderful telephone game called urban myths, about a man who just up and died.
He was just sitting on his couch watching TV and then BAM!!!! DEAD!!!!! LEFT THE BUILDING, EARTH LAB SUSPENDED!!!!
And the strange thing was....no one knew just how he died. Because, you see, when the city broke open his apt. door (probably due to the complaints from his neighbors about the stench emanating from the pores of his 1 bed 1/2 bath apartment coupled with his absence from work for over a week.) they found him sitting on his couch, eyes wide open, remote in hand, watching freaking television....100% d..e..a..d..DEAD.
The autopsy had shown no sign of heart attack or brain hemorrhage. No poisons or foul play. The man was just suddenly and inexplicably dead.
Now I know what you're thinking and let me tell you I agree in full.
You're thinking, "What a horrible way to die Neil. Just awful."
I KNOW! To just die, no horrific, fiery train wreck, no running into a burning building to save his favorite pet whiskers, not even a cardial infarction...just plain OLD dead.
I only bring up this story to amount that when I die be it the plain crash, mass suicide, my shooting death while trying to stop a bank robbery, or even plain old "harakiri" I would like your final thoughts of me on this earth to go out with a bang!
So without further delay a list of things (instructions) to be carried out at my funeral.
1. The viewing will be held at the Walker family mortuary in Payson Utah, my birth place and damn it all my final resting place.
2. The viewing will be a single file line where they each individual person (friend, fan, acquaintance, and even arch nemesis) will be led up to the coffin by the armed members of our Army's National Guard. Upon reaching the casket, the lid will be opened revealing myself in full clown costume and make - up (not kidding here, we are talking the wig, the make up, the giant shoes and EVERYTHING). The rule is if anyone laughs or even giggles at the appearance of me in my burial garb they will be shocked with the cattle prod and led directly out of the service and into the brig, where they will remain until the funeral is over.
3. A table will be set up in full view of the waiting line holding all of the pictures of me up to and including the video tape of my birth that my dad has many copies of, these copies will be handed out and also downloaded onto You Tube.
The table will also hold my many awards as well as accomplishments I have won and made over the years. Any snide or untrue comments about how I haven't really won the Nobel peace prize or how I just made up that story about dating and nailing Lindsay Lohan and doctored myself into those photos will not be tolerated and in turn you will get the cattle prod. All non believers will be punished!
4. For the funeral service we will not start with the traditional hymn.
Instead my good friend Brad Taylor will quietly walk up to the podium holding a Bose stereo boom box and play the song "Rocked you like a hurricane by: The scorpions". Only by then he will have replaced the word "am" with the word "was".
So now the song will go, "Here I 'WAS' rocked you like a hurricane!"
Brad will play this song twice then take his place back in the "People who rocked with Neil section" of the church where he will be served champagne and grapes from women dressed as hula girls. This section will also include, Devin, Kyle, Lee Majors, Adam West, and John Malcovich. (John Malcovich will be displayed live via satellite.) And will be located next to the "people who kicked ass with Neil" section of the church.
5. The speakers will go up as follows.
My father Vernon Hiatt will be first.
He will explain how I was the only real favorite child who had brought joy and love into his heart and now that I am gone he can only mourn that he will have to now pay attention to the children that he so often referred to as "The weaker sperm off-spring".
Following my fathers true and touching remarks should be my mother.
She will be wheeled up to the podium wearing the muzzle that my lawyers will require her to wear throughout the whole service. A short burst of spit filled gurgles and moans will Emmit from the leather taunts of her face mask while she will most likely try to struggle out of the straight jacket the state of Utah will require her to wear during the session.
I am guessing that under her bound features she would have read some witty haiku relating her love for me as her son....or just her trying to escape.
6. During the entire funeral a video of me "Just watching will be playing the entire time on a jumbo tron sized screen. The video will just consist of me staring and watching. Just so you will remember that I see everything even when I am dead. Also there will be a moment for people to come up and say things about how great I was and still am. Please keep them brief because we will play you off with music like in the Oscars.
7. After the speakers Brad will return to the podium with the stereo to play the closing song "We are the champions! By: Queen" Remade to say "Neil is the Champion"! This will play while the pallbearers (All select members from the bands Weezer, Journey, and special guest Tom freaking Jones) carry out my golden casket to the jewel encrusted burial plot.
8. The dedication of my grave will be given by all of my ex girlfriends.
Who will only announce that their lives have been and still are meaningless shells of emptiness without me. As well as how their current exploits cannot quench the once thirst that was Neil.
Which after they will give in detail the size and shape of my genitals or "Awesome 13 inch shaft and balls of awesomeness" as they were referred to by all. The audience will nod their heads in agreement and all who make snide remarks...I don't have to mention the cattle prod again do I? (side note: by this time the clown make up will have been removed and the clown suit will have been switched with a 3 piece Armani suit...out in style indeed).
9. As my golden casket is lowered into the grave a 21 gun salute will be issued as well as the fireworks display. At this time all of my enemies will be shot on site or placed into custody to be executed later where upon their bodies will be put on display for animals and children to urinate on. (A full list of enemies will be supplied at the funeral services).
9. Finally a fully catered dinner will be served for the survivors and friends courtesy of the Little America hotel in Salt Lake City.
Now that's a FREAKING WAY TO GO OUT! Thank you for reading this, I know it was incredibly long but for those who stuck it out kudos to you! Keep in touch and hope to see you at my funeral you bastards!
This is the first in what may be many editions to my "What the hell?" column.
Where I (Neil Hiatt) will post things that literally "Shock and Awe" me. Be it in mainstream media, film, books, news, etc. Now as a forewarning this is ALL OPINION, you can take whatever information I set forth (with sources I will site) and take whatever side you feel most comfortable with…but, I suggest you at least (for your sake and mine) look up facts for yourself and study outside of just what I tell you…so enjoy.
This morning I woke up, wiping the nights sleep away from my eyes. I rose out of bed and made some breakfast (eggs and bacon) then grabbed the Sunday edition of The Daily Herald (I myself am more partial to the Salt Lake Tribune but news is news and read it anyways).
I then turned to my favorite section, "Our towns" to find an article that made me say, "What the hell?" The article in question was titled "Convention ends with Satan and immigrants"
The link to this article is as follows (please read it! If the link doesn't work just copy and paste it into your address bar),
When I read this I thought it was a joke at first…a gag…but sadly it wasn't.
Where in the aforementioned article it talks about how at the Utah County Republicans convention a man by the name of Don Larsen, (who in my mind looks like a cross between Boss Hog and Superfudge), the chairman of legislative District 65 for the Utah County Republican Party claimed that "Illegal immigrants hate American people and are determined to destroy this country, and there is nothing they won't do."
If your mind isn't blown yet here is something else old Donnie boy had to say (when reading this picture him in a white suit and cowboy hat also yelling "Damn the Dukes") he said,
"Illegal aliens are in control of the media, and working in tandem with Democrats and are trying to destroy Christian America and replace it with a godless new world order (or N.W.O.) -- and that is not extremism, that is fact."
Here is where I get a little disconcerted….First he states Illegal aliens as being "influenced by the Devil". So, if all of these immigrants were in fact "influenced by the Devil", then who were our fore fathers influenced by? You know the ones who sailed across that big blue ocean in boats all the way over in search of a new land to find a better life than their own? I didn't see their green cards when they slaughtered the native Indians (note: I know that the immigration system wasn't set up thus they wouldn't have green cards….It's a joke people lighten up). And as a side note...if you have to state that what your saying isn't "extremism" then there is a large chance that it is in fact extremism.
Second, he blames the "Illegal Aliens" for having control over the media…..now aside from the blatant and creepy paranoia, doesn't that sound familiar to anyone? Like when during World War 2 (or WW II if you want to be a dick about it) a certain fascist group (who will remain nameless) was saying a certain race of chosen people (who also will remain nameless) had control of the media and other forms of bullcrap propaganda and slander…what were their names again? (If you haven't seen past the sarcasm at this point you probably shouldn't continue reading...it was the Nazi party by the way)
Now it seems that Boss Hog…I'm sorry Don Larsen, had a few supporters in the crowd that night one speaker, who was identified as "Joe," (obvious fake name) said, "Illegal immigrants were Marxist and under the influence of the devil." and Another speaker said, Illegal Immigrants should not be allowed because "they are not going to become Republicans." …..Not become republicans? Wha…What? SWEET HEAVEN NO! Next there'll be dancing!!!! (footloose reference).
So, where it chaps my ass is that not all, and in all actuality, very few Republicans or Christian conservatives think this way…I for one don't. But when the town idiot or any idiot with power and a microphone gets up and starts spouting off this uneducated, hate filled, garbage then it gives a REALLY bad name to the normal people of the world. Here are some quotes from a few REASONABLE people at the convention,
Senator Howard Stephenson, R-Draper, spoke against the resolution, saying Larsen, whom he called a "true patriot and a close friend," was embarrassing the Republican Party (yeah…you think so Howie?).
Someone else said, "Some language that is divisive and not inspiring other people to its vision, will only give fodder to the liberal media to give negative attention to the Republican Party." Which belive me it already has...thanks again Don.
And there were many many others who spoke against what was said.
Now it's not that I don't see good points (now I said points, building a wall is retarded, I mean come on does the Berlin wall not ring any bells people?) in trying to enforce at least some stronger laws regarding immigration. But do you think calling a class of people, who in an LDS community make up the greatest number of converts (places like South America and Mexico....HELLO!), Calling them Satan's minions…is that going to help anybody? The answer is a resounding NO! And I know what some of your will say that, "It must be the damn liberals who wrote it…slandering a great man like Don Larsen…for shame!" But the thing is….The Daily Herald is the most CONSERVATIVE of CONSERVATIVE newspapers…you might as well be reading the news from your sacrament programs if you catch my drift, and if a conservative newspaper even thinks this guy is crazy….then he just might be.
So, WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!?!?!?!
Thank you and goodnight,
Neil Spencer Hiatt
A few months ago my grandfather Moses Ray Hiatt passed away, he was 84 years old leaving behind an incredible life filled with Friends, Family, and accomplishments. Last night my Father, his wife Deborah, and I were given the opportunity to go through the house that my grandfather had built, my father grew up in, and our family had once called home. It was strange for me to be in a place that I had spent so many childhood years and to be overcome with the flood of memories that I left in that house.
We pulled into the driveway around 8:00 P.M. The large willow tree that my cousins and I would spend our days climbing stood, bare of it's long skinny branches and sweet smelling leaves, reaching it's way to the sky, stretching out and in it's own way trying to touch god. My eyes fixed on the houses fading red brick and long paned windows, dingy with the years of keeping families safe from wind and rain, I sighed knowing that this might be the last time I'd see this house as I did in my youth. The sound of the now rusted wind chimes sang out where once a small humming bird had nested many years before. I approached the doorway and grasped the cold metal handle and started my way in.
It's funny how you can enter a house that you have visited for years and have it suddenly feel as if it were your first time. The carpet hadn't been changed since it was built, all the trinkets and furniture were still the same, the only real difference was the silence. I could still smell the cookies, rice krispy squares, and the hot cocoa that my grandmother would bake when we would visit. And listened for the music that she would play and sing from her organ.
I looked through the rooms and let every memory overtake me. From the Far side wall calender in the kitchen that hadn't been changed since 1994 to the Keebler measuring chart with all of the grandchildrens heights marked off on them since we were 4, I laughed at the fact that I had only grown 5 inches since I was 12....nice.
Then the auction came, my father and his siblings were given some extra inheritance money to bid on items left in the house, (E.G. the television, beds, couches, nick knacks and so on and so fourth.). Hours later it was like being in a shell. A Hollowed out space where memories once lived and were now forced to find new homes in our thoughts. The only thing left was a large wooden hope chest that my grandfather had built for my grandmother. Inside it were his Uniform from World War 2 when he served in the Navy. My grandmothers wedding dress and a stack of love letters my grandfather had written to while he was at War for 3 years. I opened them up and felt the cool silk touch of the paper. When I read his words to her it was like peering into the life of someone I didn't even know and to see a whole new side to someone I was so close to.
Anyways this has been drawn out long enough, I just hope that everyone will cherish memories that they have more because I feel like I almost lost those memories until now. Hold them close, never let them go.
A year ago a girl I loved was killed in a car accident in Nevada. It was one of those moments I play over and over again in my mind and it still doesn't make sense. On thanksgiving day we talk on the phone, we speak about how much we miss each other and how when we both get back from vacation on Sunday we will meet up at my house. (What I could change about that conversation now would be how much I said I loved her, God knows how much I miss her but I never got to say how much I really cared for her). I head for home. I wait up the next night because we are supposed to meet after she gets home from California I sit up in my basement listening to the sound of the heating vents and a mostly empty house....then the girl who is never late meeting me....doesn't show up....I text her.....no response....I call her...damn, She left her phone at home because she "Didn't want to bother me on my vacation." (showing the complete aarogance and self absorption I had at that time I let her leave it...and regret it to this day). I sit down and think "It's okay Neil, maybe she got caught up in the storm...the weather was questionable when you left and she would never just leave you here." (Which is true at least in my case, she never missed one date or even was a second late ever). But then the next day comes and still no word....and that's when my stomach dropped to my knees and a dark piercing thought came crawling up from the back of my head pushing its way forward until it lit a fire behind my eyes. Neil, something is wrong!!!! I stay up in the basement wrapped in a blanket...sitting, waiting, crazy out of my mind and when I fall asleep I know I shouldn't wake up.
Then my phone rings...and a voice tells me what in my heart I already know, "Neil? I don't know how to say this to you but....There has been an accident, Chelsea's car flipped over on her way home from California, she was killed instantly..." The voice keeps talking but it sounds so far away now....like it was a world away. My heart breaks and I lose myself.
That was one year ago today, Alot of things have changed (personal, professional, etc.) Some great and some I would trade for a sodering iron to my balls (no joke).
So lets start with the good....
In this year I have found that I knew myself a lot less than I though I did, I am still me but an aware me for sure. I have found solace in family, without my dad I probably wouldn't have made it through anything in life and for that I love him for his faults and for his greatness. Also the people he has surrounded himself with is an example of how to live happily. I have started actively searching out good in my life, I exercise regularly, I find ways to support myself financially and be happy without falling into a regular mold for "Success or life" (I.E. what you are brainwashed to think is success is not always what it seems), I have braved through disaster and have found people that are a lasting support in my life. I find the good in everything now and try my best not to sweat things like it's a damned drama competition. Also build things in your life to look forward to so you don't have to join the ranks of the living dead. I have realized that anger is the last emotion anyone should hold, being a product of hatred and rage has plagued me for sometime but I here and foremost am truly sorry to those I have hurt and I have also forgiven many for what has happened or what they have done regardless of whether or not they are holding themselves accountable for their actions (I forgive you but that doesn't make us anywhere close to pals, savvy?). And I wish that everyone can open their minds towards life and stop digging the trenches of hate for each other. I am grateful for the true friends who have stuck with me and have accepted me in that year. I will not mention names but they know who they are and I want them to know I appreciate, love, and respect them more than they will ever know.
And on that note...the bad of the year (Guilty as charged on a lot of things but apologize and forgive all the same)
Death.....enough said. I have found that the term "real friends" should be used very carefully (see the blog "many choices, many pains" and "Creative Differences" For a more in depth perspective. P.S. There are a lot of people who fit in that category) I have also found that misery loves and I will say it again, LOVES company and will do anything in it's power to take you and pull you down into the darkness with it (many will agree but hardly any will do anything about it, no offense). I have come to hate the fact that people will come up with any excuse in the world to avoid happiness in their lives (see my blog "Let me see your grill" for more in depth look). I in about six months have also gotten into a few pickles with relationships since, but have learned that when you first loose someone not to just rush off and attach yourself to the first thing that comes along. They may say all of the right things and may act as if they are who they say they are but look for the 'figurative' "bloodstains in their smiles" because people who hate themselves will do (and say) anything to try and dissuade you from seeing the people they really are as well as tie you up in a (pardon my french) "Fu@k you but I love you realationship (I.E. Lying, betrayal, lying, drama, liars, drugs, succubus, nut case and did I mention lying?). But on my end I have found I can be a stubborn son of a bitch at times and have said many things I should'nt have in the heat of anger and am truly sorry for that (see above section). I have disrespected people close to me in that anger and am sorry for that as well. I have realized that anger stems from having different standards or beliefs from others and if you are to control your emotions you must know what sets them off (People who don't take accountability for their actions, people who make excuses, liars, drama addicts, ingrates, back stabbing, etc.) But knowing is only half the battle. I don't think I got the point across when I said this but I truly am sorry if I have hurt anyone (unintentionally and god forbid intentionally) I feel that everyone deserves to be happy in life and they don't need road blocks (self afflicted or not) in their way. I now also know that if you need help it is okay to ask for it, no one will think less of you and there are more people there to help you than you think.
So that's the year since tragedy,
I know I didn't speak much of her in that rant but that's because I wanted to save it for here.
I love and miss Chelsea Anderson everyday, I don't talk about it much but there are things that were so amazing about that girl. She could hold a conversation about anything and everyone would be captivated, I remember she actually went into one of her Medical assisting classes and gave a entire 20 minute oral report without even preparing, she winged the whole thing and got and A. She could recite the worst literature in the world and it would be the most interesting thing you had ever heard. She was completely aware of herself at all times and of the people around her. She had it pegged to a T and I think that is what struck, intimidated, and attracted a lot of people to her. Everything came so easy to her, she would brush off bad and find the good because in her life everything would always turn out okay. She had, hands down, the sharpest wit I have ever seen she was hilarious and there was always a good time with her. She loved me and I could never thank her enough for that. She was also very stubborn, which to be honest I loved! People adored her some with envy some with love but they came to her like life to water. She was and without any doubt absolutely beautiful. From her deep blue eyes, long legs, milky skin, soft hair, right down to her nose (which she hated but made her, her). I close my eyes and imagine holding her close again...it's what make living life to this point worth it, even for that short time.
Now to finish, I hope everyone can find love, happiness, and any form of success in their lives and am proud of anyone who can seek it out. Please keep to the path of what you truly know will make you happy no matter what anyone says and no matter what bad or good comes. Just be yourself and I (as well as many others) will love you for that.
Neil Spencer Hiatt
..It seems that the when the you take a good look at the people around you in life you need to ask yourself some questions.
1.Who are these people?
2.Do you care about them?
3.Do they make you want to be a better person?
4. Do they care about you?
5.Can you be honest with them?
6. Can they be honest with you?
7.When you come to a crossroads in your life do they pull up anchor for their own selfish needs or help you....and vice versa?
8.Would you sacrifice your happiness for their greater good?
9.Would they?I have recently had to ask myself some of these questions about the company I was keeping and to my standards, the company, has been found wanting....and in some cases so have I. But when one door closes another one opens. I hope that I will be a better judge of character in the future and strive to be a more understanding person myself, but to take a quote from a favorite movie of mine, "Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up." Those words have never been more true than they are right now.