A year ago a girl I loved was killed in a car accident in Nevada. It was one of those moments I play over and over again in my mind and it still doesn't make sense. On thanksgiving day we talk on the phone, we speak about how much we miss each other and how when we both get back from vacation on Sunday we will meet up at my house. (What I could change about that conversation now would be how much I said I loved her, God knows how much I miss her but I never got to say how much I really cared for her). I head for home. I wait up the next night because we are supposed to meet after she gets home from California I sit up in my basement listening to the sound of the heating vents and a mostly empty house....then the girl who is never late meeting me....doesn't show up....I text her.....no response....I call her...damn, She left her phone at home because she "Didn't want to bother me on my vacation." (showing the complete aarogance and self absorption I had at that time I let her leave it...and regret it to this day). I sit down and think "It's okay Neil, maybe she got caught up in the storm...the weather was questionable when you left and she would never just leave you here." (Which is true at least in my case, she never missed one date or even was a second late ever). But then the next day comes and still no word....and that's when my stomach dropped to my knees and a dark piercing thought came crawling up from the back of my head pushing its way forward until it lit a fire behind my eyes. Neil, something is wrong!!!! I stay up in the basement wrapped in a blanket...sitting, waiting, crazy out of my mind and when I fall asleep I know I shouldn't wake up.
Then my phone rings...and a voice tells me what in my heart I already know, "Neil? I don't know how to say this to you but....There has been an accident, Chelsea's car flipped over on her way home from California, she was killed instantly..." The voice keeps talking but it sounds so far away now....like it was a world away. My heart breaks and I lose myself.
That was one year ago today, Alot of things have changed (personal, professional, etc.) Some great and some I would trade for a sodering iron to my balls (no joke).
So lets start with the good....
In this year I have found that I knew myself a lot less than I though I did, I am still me but an aware me for sure. I have found solace in family, without my dad I probably wouldn't have made it through anything in life and for that I love him for his faults and for his greatness. Also the people he has surrounded himself with is an example of how to live happily. I have started actively searching out good in my life, I exercise regularly, I find ways to support myself financially and be happy without falling into a regular mold for "Success or life" (I.E. what you are brainwashed to think is success is not always what it seems), I have braved through disaster and have found people that are a lasting support in my life. I find the good in everything now and try my best not to sweat things like it's a damned drama competition. Also build things in your life to look forward to so you don't have to join the ranks of the living dead. I have realized that anger is the last emotion anyone should hold, being a product of hatred and rage has plagued me for sometime but I here and foremost am truly sorry to those I have hurt and I have also forgiven many for what has happened or what they have done regardless of whether or not they are holding themselves accountable for their actions (I forgive you but that doesn't make us anywhere close to pals, savvy?). And I wish that everyone can open their minds towards life and stop digging the trenches of hate for each other. I am grateful for the true friends who have stuck with me and have accepted me in that year. I will not mention names but they know who they are and I want them to know I appreciate, love, and respect them more than they will ever know.
And on that note...the bad of the year (Guilty as charged on a lot of things but apologize and forgive all the same)
Death.....enough said. I have found that the term "real friends" should be used very carefully (see the blog "many choices, many pains" and "Creative Differences" For a more in depth perspective. P.S. There are a lot of people who fit in that category) I have also found that misery loves and I will say it again, LOVES company and will do anything in it's power to take you and pull you down into the darkness with it (many will agree but hardly any will do anything about it, no offense). I have come to hate the fact that people will come up with any excuse in the world to avoid happiness in their lives (see my blog "Let me see your grill" for more in depth look). I in about six months have also gotten into a few pickles with relationships since, but have learned that when you first loose someone not to just rush off and attach yourself to the first thing that comes along. They may say all of the right things and may act as if they are who they say they are but look for the 'figurative' "bloodstains in their smiles" because people who hate themselves will do (and say) anything to try and dissuade you from seeing the people they really are as well as tie you up in a (pardon my french) "Fu@k you but I love you realationship (I.E. Lying, betrayal, lying, drama, liars, drugs, succubus, nut case and did I mention lying?). But on my end I have found I can be a stubborn son of a bitch at times and have said many things I should'nt have in the heat of anger and am truly sorry for that (see above section). I have disrespected people close to me in that anger and am sorry for that as well. I have realized that anger stems from having different standards or beliefs from others and if you are to control your emotions you must know what sets them off (People who don't take accountability for their actions, people who make excuses, liars, drama addicts, ingrates, back stabbing, etc.) But knowing is only half the battle. I don't think I got the point across when I said this but I truly am sorry if I have hurt anyone (unintentionally and god forbid intentionally) I feel that everyone deserves to be happy in life and they don't need road blocks (self afflicted or not) in their way. I now also know that if you need help it is okay to ask for it, no one will think less of you and there are more people there to help you than you think.
So that's the year since tragedy,
I know I didn't speak much of her in that rant but that's because I wanted to save it for here.
I love and miss Chelsea Anderson everyday, I don't talk about it much but there are things that were so amazing about that girl. She could hold a conversation about anything and everyone would be captivated, I remember she actually went into one of her Medical assisting classes and gave a entire 20 minute oral report without even preparing, she winged the whole thing and got and A. She could recite the worst literature in the world and it would be the most interesting thing you had ever heard. She was completely aware of herself at all times and of the people around her. She had it pegged to a T and I think that is what struck, intimidated, and attracted a lot of people to her. Everything came so easy to her, she would brush off bad and find the good because in her life everything would always turn out okay. She had, hands down, the sharpest wit I have ever seen she was hilarious and there was always a good time with her. She loved me and I could never thank her enough for that. She was also very stubborn, which to be honest I loved! People adored her some with envy some with love but they came to her like life to water. She was and without any doubt absolutely beautiful. From her deep blue eyes, long legs, milky skin, soft hair, right down to her nose (which she hated but made her, her). I close my eyes and imagine holding her close again...it's what make living life to this point worth it, even for that short time.
Now to finish, I hope everyone can find love, happiness, and any form of success in their lives and am proud of anyone who can seek it out. Please keep to the path of what you truly know will make you happy no matter what anyone says and no matter what bad or good comes. Just be yourself and I (as well as many others) will love you for that.
Goodnight,
Neil Spencer Hiatt
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