My Mortal Enemy (Or Lack There of)

In the wold of Mortal enemies, arch rivals and Villainy
Sherlock Holmes had Professor Moriarty,
Batman had The Joker,
Bart Simpson had Sideshow Bob,
and L. Ron Hubbard had God....

And what do I have? Nada...zip...zilch!

In the 22 years I have been on this earth I have yet to secure a definite "Mortal Enemy". Someone who fills the hallways of their home (or castle) with the galled and hateful cries of Neil Spencer Hiatt’s name. A person who spends his/her waking hours planning and plotting my demise. Writhing in agony with every breath I take!

I find the whole idea exciting and to be honest utterly romantic.

I bring up this topic only because you would think that after 22 years there would at least be 1 person (or hopefully a legion of persons, with a union and a cool name like "The Order of Chaos" or The Legion of Pain") who would seek me out as a nemesis...but sadly no one has yet.

I have had people who dislike me and people who fear me but no one who has really reached the rank of "Archenemy". Sadly to say there has been no wanna be enemy that I myself have found worthy. Most of the people who have tried to be my nemesis have failed to reach my high expectations for "Archvilliany" (I mean honestly I at least would like one contender who can properly speak and spell) They were either too dense or too tall....

The worst part about it is I have friends and colleagues who have Mortal Enemies

My Friend Brad Taylor
has an ever long Feud with the Wal-Mart and K-Mart Stores
and my Father Vernon Hiatt Seems to think the University of Utah is his Arch Nemesis

But, If I did have a Mortal Enemy they would have to fulfill these simple requirements

1. He/she would have to employ henchmen at their beck and call. All of which are dim witted and completely uncoordinated when it comes to hand to hand combat.
Henchmen are to be supplied by the Nemesis and given full benefits (being that the union is strong in that field).

2. The Applying Enemy has to be challenging so an extensive knowledge in engineering, psychology and if possible an endless supply of wealth or funding for evil is required.

3. The Mortal Enemy is required once a month to threaten or denounce me in public or at least make an attempt on my life and once a year unveil their "Master Plan" to take over the world in which I will foil every year. Also as a sub-clause you will be required to capture me, putting my life in peril in some contraption of sure doom only to have me escape at the last second is required.

4. They have to either be AS good looking as I am or horribly disfigured...nothing more...

5. They have to be between 5 Ft and 5 Ft 11 inches No one over 6 ft allowed.

6. Every 5 years we have to team up to thwart a new "Super criminal". We will resentfully work together in foiling this new villains plan and in the process realize that "we aren’t so different after all" and after defeating the said "Super villian" we will continue our hatred for each other while holding a silent new found
respect for one another.

7. When it comes to your death it HAS to be dramatic. Also if we want to work in a subplot of where it appears that I die while defeating you only to rise a year later under a new name and living a quiet simpler life that scenario could be arranged as well.

8. I have all rights to woo and seduce any and all Attractive Female henchmen/mistresses/concubines you may have but not the other way around.

9. All merchandising, trademarks, and likeness will be held by myself and all profits as well.

10. You have to have a cool name. If you don’t have one we can supply you with one such as Professor Killgore, Dr. Ambersythe, or Commander Torment.

Well I hope this all goes well and that I can find my Mortal Enemy Soon.

- Neil