An Open Letter To Whoever Took My Car Keys...(WARNING EXPLICIT CONTENT)

To whom it may concern,

I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for finding my keys for me.
I accidentally left them in the computer lab, on the first day of class, when I forgot to unplug my jump drive from the computer I was using.

I hope you realize that it wasn't just MY car keys on that chain but the remote lock to my car, my house key, my girlfriend's house key, the key to my Dad's house, the key to my Dad's shop, the Pirates of The Caribbean key chain my friend Josh gave me, and a red 16 gigabyte jump drive which would have held my assignments for this semester.

Did you notice how I used the past-tense would have to end that last paragraph?
Well, that's because after you found my keys you decided NOT TO RETURN THEM! It has been four months, and you couldn't just drop them off in the lost and found?

I understand that a 16-gigabyte hard drive is a pretty awesome thing to just find lying around, and I don't even care that you STOLE that...but why didn't you drop off the rest of the keys and chain to the lost and found?

Oh, that's right because...
























Now that we have gotten that out of the way, let's get to how I really feel.

I feel sorry for you that you fulfill your probably pathetic life by taking things that do not belong to you.

I also feel hope. Hope, that you used the jump drive to upload something frivolous, like illegal pornography and that you were immediately arrested for that pornography and are now in jail, being ass-raped. Because that's what people who steal deserve...to be raped...in the ass.

I also hope this guy is your cell mate...
























Because he looks big and angry!

So, in closing, thank you again for finding my keys and reaffirming my stance that most people are thieving, soulless bastards.

Cordially,

Neil

From Walking On The Moon To Dancing Away Your Dignity

Edwin Eugene Aldrin Jr. or "Buzz," as most people know him, is a retired Air Force pilot, mechanical engineer, West Point graduate, and mother-F$#@ing Astronaut!

For those of you who don't recognize his credits, let me refresh your memory...

BOOM!!!!

THE SECOND MAN EVER TO WALK ON THE MOON!

After graduating 3rd in his class at the prestigious West Point Academy and

flying 66 missions as a Jet Fighter Pilot in the Korean War, Buzz Aldrin was eventually selected as the pilot for the Apollo 11 mission.

A life like that of Buzz Aldrin is something of a wonder. Amid space exploration and heroism he contributed significantly to an exciting new frontier and even pioneered training techniques that are still in use at NASA today. Buzz Aldrin is a man whose career and life should be studied with the respect that a hero deserves...but leave it to American Reality Television to royally fuck that up.

On Monday, March 22nd 2010 you will see an American astronaut's dignity die in a spectacular display of disco lights, sequins, and shame.

And who do we have to thank for this freak show?

The American Broadcasting Company's Dancing with the Stars.

Dancing with the Stars is ABC's crown Jewel (or cubic zirconia) for their Monday night line up and, in my opinion, a place where C- to D-list celebrities samba their way into my gag reflex.

I find it shameful that an American hero like Col. Aldrin will be forced to share a stage with the drudge of the D-list. Lab-created gems such as Pamela Anderson, Kate Gosselin (from John and Kate Plus Eight), Shannon Doherty, and Former Republican House Majority Leader (and campaign finance money launderer) Tom Delay, to name a few. (Note: Delay is not on this season but did appear on one of the seasons of Dancing with the Stars.)

The first question I asked when I heard about Col. Aldrin's appearance on this show was...why?

Come to find out it is a sad story indeed. In a recent interview with zap2it.com Col. Aldrin stated,

"Living on Air Force retirement and Social Security, I'm forced to go out and sing for my supper quite a bit...Most of the astronauts are in the business of marketing memorabilia and autographs. It's not like a football player, being paid millions and millions, and it's a shame that somebody who has gone to the moon has to do that."

I find that it is a sad commentary about our priorities that someone as intelligent and courageous as Col. Buzz Aldrin has to dance on the stage for nickels at this point in his life, while the airwaves are full of 'instant-pseudo-celebrities' such as Paris Hilton, Spencer & Heidi Pratt, the douchetards on Jersey Shore (as well as The Hills), and most 'reality' TV contestants with no talent or skill, who contribute nothing of substance to our real lives, who make millions of dollars yearly. Every minute of their pathetic lives is detailed by trash entertainment news programs, web sites, and magazines, while Col. Aldrin has reached far and beyond the call of duty than most Americans yet is pushed into this debauchery.

I want to make it clear that I do not intend to disrespect Col. Aldrin with this blog, but I find it shameful that he is being paraded across a stage like a circus monkey for our enjoyment.

I hope this isn't a new trend of taking enduring heroes and burning any remembrance of their former greatness.

Because I never want to see this...

On the other hand, I can see why Buzz would want to join the show after seeing his dance partner...

<= HOT!

BOOSH!

Commonly Used Words and/or Phrases I Can't Stand

The English language boasts approximately a quarter of a million
different words and phrases.

A lot of the words that appear in the lexicon are derived from what we consider to be our very own English,

with the most immediately recognizable forms dating all the way back to AD 1300. English "technically" comes

mostly from early Germanic, but so many other languages have crept

in and left their own stamps on our lexicon.

That's a lot of stuff to keep straight.

I feel that a rich vocabulary can open doors in social and employment circles and help build a strong foundation as a person.

But the problem with language today is two-fold.

First, the Internet, as well as text messaging, has bastardized

communication to a series of grunts and ape-like noises.

Second, most slang...is just annoying.

Here is a short list of Words and/or Phrases that irritate me and why.

1. LOL (laugh out loud) - This has replaced the word Ha or funny.

I will admit that I played along at first but it didn't take long for me to grow annoyed with the lack of words in messaging. Also, this term can be horribly deceptive. You have to trust that the person is, in fact, laughing out loud (which they rarely are). It's patronizing...

2. Replacing any word with just a letter - (Example: U instead of you, C instead of see, and K instead of OKAY!) I understand that the day-to-day life of an average human being is rough...but not rough enough to exclude vowels and consonants. The first thing I think when I see this kind of writing, "Wht up? r u rely goin to th movi tody?" is that you are either a twelve-year-old girl or an idiot...sorry.

3. Adding extra letters to words or spelling words wrong on purpose (at least I think it's on purpose) -

Example: Oh Myyyy gash! I luurrv High Skool the Musical its soooo

knot boaring! I want to see it again tomarrow!

This one baffles me. I realize that as I get older trends will surpass my understanding...but seriously...this one makes you look like

a crazy person.

4. Words/phrases that bother me in general - Bestie, BFF,

for sure!, moist, favs, you-betcha, vaycay, avant-garde,

indie, emo, za (referring to pizza), going rogue, snarky, bohemian,

hipster, frumpy, and Maverick.

I know we can't all check our grammar at all times, I use comma splices like they are going out of style...but please, PLEASE, when writing

something, please at least try!

P.S. - Sorry this post looks weird.

I am having problems with the formatting of my page.

Happy 23rd Birthday Babe! (This Is Days Late...I Am Sorry But It Takes A While For Me To Write About This)

Every March 3rd, I go for a drive.

I buckle my seat belt, plug my Ipod into my stereo, and then turn the dial to a play list marked Chelsea.

Before I can push play I put the car in gear and let the gentle pull of the tires take my car and myself down whatever road is the longest. The pavement pulls and disappears under my wheels like black taffy that has been stretched and pulled by the hands of God.

I take in every moment of silence as my thumb itches the play button, my mind quietly calculating the can of worms that would open if my thumb were to simply press down.

All the joy, sorrow, loss, and memories that would rise to the surface as they have regularly for the last five years.

William Somerset Maugham once said, "You can do anything in this world if you are prepared to take the consequences." and with the push of a button, I do just that.

As the music begins to play a wave of nostalgia envelopes me with every note and melody.

The first song on the list is "I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You" - By: Colin Hay from The Garden State Soundtrack.

The first time I heard this song I was sitting in my car with Chelsea. We had been dating for about a year and as in any relationship that goes on longer than a month the conversation was steering towards defining our relationship. She had asked me the question "How do you feel about me?" I had been shuffling through my CD's at the time (this was my pre-IPod days) pulling out the Garden State soundtrack and placing it into the player. I didn't hear her question and simply rested back into my seat, after a few seconds of silence the song began to play and she asked again, "How do you feel about me, Neil?"

I hate to say it but it took me a few moments to answer this question. If anyone knows me or my family then you would know that sharing our feelings is like wearing a sweater you got for Christmas: you try it on and it feels warm, but you never take it out of the house for others to see. I nodded my head towards the radio and said, "This song sums up everything."

She smiled and nestled her head into my chest, our breathing matched, as we sat in that comfortable silence where all things were uncertain.

I let the songs keep playing, each one attached to a memory, some good, some bad, but all more than worth it. As the songs finish out, I find myself at the Heber City Cemetery as I do every March 3rd and November 26th. Kneeling at the mis-marked gravestone (the date of her death was accidentally marked wrong) with a fist full of flowers I cry and remember my first love and my best friend.