An Open Letter To Whoever Took My Car Keys...(WARNING EXPLICIT CONTENT)

To whom it may concern,

I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for finding my keys for me.
I accidentally left them in the computer lab, on the first day of class, when I forgot to unplug my jump drive from the computer I was using.

I hope you realize that it wasn't just MY car keys on that chain but the remote lock to my car, my house key, my girlfriend's house key, the key to my Dad's house, the key to my Dad's shop, the Pirates of The Caribbean key chain my friend Josh gave me, and a red 16 gigabyte jump drive which would have held my assignments for this semester.

Did you notice how I used the past-tense would have to end that last paragraph?
Well, that's because after you found my keys you decided NOT TO RETURN THEM! It has been four months, and you couldn't just drop them off in the lost and found?

I understand that a 16-gigabyte hard drive is a pretty awesome thing to just find lying around, and I don't even care that you STOLE that...but why didn't you drop off the rest of the keys and chain to the lost and found?

Oh, that's right because...
























Now that we have gotten that out of the way, let's get to how I really feel.

I feel sorry for you that you fulfill your probably pathetic life by taking things that do not belong to you.

I also feel hope. Hope, that you used the jump drive to upload something frivolous, like illegal pornography and that you were immediately arrested for that pornography and are now in jail, being ass-raped. Because that's what people who steal deserve...to be raped...in the ass.

I also hope this guy is your cell mate...
























Because he looks big and angry!

So, in closing, thank you again for finding my keys and reaffirming my stance that most people are thieving, soulless bastards.

Cordially,

Neil