30 Sad & Puzzling Facts About Me & Life in General
1. Without Myspace or Facebook I wouldn’t remember anyone’s names, birthdays or sexual orientation. (It’s true and it’s not that I don’t love and respect you…I just don’t love and respect you enough to remember your birthday…sorry).
2. People are only nice on Holidays and even then it’s so you can get nice shit.
3.Every year, I draw closer to the realization that I will never grow proper facial hair. It has become apparent that the only cheeks on me where hair will grow are not the good kind like I want. I can only grow a thin mustache (which is reserved only for child molesters and our culturally strong friends from across the border) and “scruff” under my chin as well as on my neck…like a testosterone injected female body builder.
4. Dumb people will always have higher paying jobs than me.
5. “Mormon Movies” are basically poorly made exploitation films. Like Blacula and Coffee before them; we are now about a stones throw away from “Mormon Dracula” or “Zombies & Zoobies”* * - Zombies & Zoobies Trademarked by Michelle Flowers and Erin Seaward.
6. We go to years of college only to get a substandard paying job with little or no escape. (Keep sweeping up those floors Dr. so and so).
7. Sometimes I think I am dying when really everything is okay.
8. I am very judgmental. Not the greatest fact but I don’t judge based on outward appearance and status. I judge based upon people’s actions.
9. I hold a grudge for a long period of time. (I believe that you should trust and respect everyone with the same respect you want, that is until they give you a reason not to trust or respect them).
10. I go to Utah Valley University (Formerly UVSC) and the big Joke at BYU is to call UVU, “Utah Valley High School”. When I used to book comedy for UVSC events and dances over three-fourths of the audience that showed up was from BYU, grossly outnumbering the UVU students. So, if UVU is being compared to a high school and over half of the people who show up for our events is from BYU, what does that make BYU? That means BYU is like that creepy guy who graduated from high school but keeps coming back to hang out in the parking lot and scam for barely legal trim. You know, the guy who thinks he’s is really cool but in reality is just a pompous douche bag? Yeah, BYU? Don’t be that guy.
11. God put Assholes on the earth for one reason and one reason only, to have something to compare our lives to. Someone who we can say, “Man, no matter how bad my life gets…at least I’m not that guy.”
12. I love Mi Rancherito and Chili’s….but I hate diarrhea….conundrum?
13. BLUETOOTH! While it is an awesome breakthrough in technology…DON’T LEAVE IT IN YOUR EAR ALL DAY!!!! You are not so important that you can’t take it out while you’re eating! And if you are talking on it leave the room because you look ridiculous.
14. Dill pickles are an abomination before God and should be wiped from the face of the Earth.
15. Cats SUCK! They are cute as kittens but then they grow, shed, hack and try to suffocate you when you sleep!
16. If am having a good day and someone asks if I am okay or ornery, that in fact makes me ornery. (Their fault! If they would have just left me alone!)
17. When someone asks for my “honest opinion”…trust me, that’s the last thing they want to hear.
18. Sometimes I will say hi to people and their reaction alone makes me think they don’t like me…and these are people I have never even spoken too.
19. I hate being right about life situations, especially bad ones.
20. Fish make terrible pets, they rarely survive and they can’t fetch or protect a house.
21. Mitt Romney said he believes, “That Christ is the savior of the world and that he died for us and is the king of all mankind”… then some stupid spokeswoman turns around and comments back by saying, yes... He said all that, but he never said “I’m a Christian” so who is to say he is Christian? DUH!!!!!!!!!… Doesn’t Christian mean that you believe Christ is the savior? And isn’t that what he said?? This world is SOOO freaking stupid. And that lady… I don’t even know where to start with her ignorance.
22. I don’t vote…Sue me.
23. The woman on the wheat thins box is HOT but WAY out of my league.
24. Writers block sucks!!!!!!!!
25. Sometimes when I am walking around listening to my IPOD I keep the headphones in my ears but don’t listen to music…I do this so I can avoid actually having to talk to people. Because nothing says “Piss off” like IPOD headphones.
26. I hate it when people don’t recognize the power of the “Piss off” headphones.
27. I don't actully like having attention. Yes my personality draws attention but I would much rather sit back and watch than have people focus on me.
28. When someone is labeled as a “People Person” it just means that they communicate with others well. But the truth is most often the “People Person” or “People Personai” does not like other people and are not very well liked either.
29. I am a “People Person”.
30. My Name is Neil Spencer Hiatt and I am the only person like me I know.