Neil Spencer Hiatt's List of Things That Must Go:
Now I know what you're thinking, "Neil, why are you wasting your time writing a list of things that must go and that you hate, when you could be using your time to write a list of positive things?"
Well first off…who the hell do you think you are? Telling me what I should or should not write…screw you.
Does that answer your question?
Yes, I understand I could write a nice list of hopes and dreams like pills that make your farts smell better, double fudge cookie dough ice cream that has 0 calories or world peace, but come on....where is the humor in that? And being the endearing cynic that I am I will go with the list that pleases me. And as a warning, this is all opinion and is not intended to sway, offend or hurt you. If I do in fact insult anyone then I am deeply sorry.
So without further upheaval I present to you…In no particular order…
Neil Spencer Hiatt's List of Things That Must Go or Things That Peeve Me Off!!!!
1. Dill Pickles! Gross! (I can deal with relish or sweet pickles but dill is disgusting).
2. Doctor and Celebrity endorsed diet fads. (I'm looking at you Atkins, with your heart murmur inducing low carb B.S.)
3. The mindset that your college degree and/or job equals who you are as a human being. (I know that not everyone thinks this way but for the ones that do…it's just sad, god forbid we think of things like compassion and unconditional love for our fellow man).
4. People who when you ask "What's up?" point to the sky or look up. (That's not WHAT is up, that's WHERE is up! And you sir or madam are a douche bag).
5. Anyone who waits more than 2 seconds after the light turns green to go. (FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD, MOVE YOUR ASS!!!!)
6. Hypocrisy (Yes I see the irony here. I am a Hypocrite because by making this list I am not showing unconditional love and tolerance for my fellow man. Well I agree, I am a Hypocrite but at least I own up to it. I made this list of things that must go and by hell there are things I do on here that peeve me off too. We aren't perfect but if we accept our faults with humility then it is a good start right?)
7. Star Wars Episodes I, II, and III (Dear George Lucas, Special effects do not make up for half assed writing, third assed acting and quarter assed directing. Cordially, Neil).
8. The fact that not one good movie has been made out of a Video Game. (I weep for what the Halo movie might be like and Uwe Bolle is on my "People I wish were never born list, along side Paris Hilton, Bill O'Riley and every boy band ever made).
9. When "Foreign Film" is considered as a "Film Genre". (David Moore brought this to my attention and he was right. "Foreign film" is not a genre, it just means that the movie was filmed and produced in a foreign country. It doesn't make it any better or worse it just makes it subtitled).
10. When I give my entire order at the drive-thru, slowly and clearly, only to have the attendant say, "Wait…what was the first thing you wanted again?" (Oh man, I don't want to hate you…but you really leave me no choice).
11. When I am asked at friends or relatives weddings, "So Neil, when are you going to settle down and get married?" (WHAT? That's a pretty personal question don't you think? How about when I am good and damn ready. What if I started asking when your next Gynecologist appt. was? Or When you were going to stop asking personal question and just die already? Yeah that's what I thought...)
12. Anyone who begins a sentence/rebuttal with "According to the word or Well the (insert any Religious leader/ Doctor/ Television Doctor/Oprah you want here) said…blah, blah, blah." (I am a spiritual person and have deep beliefs for my faith, I love it! But the truth is MOST people have no clue about what they are really saying. If you teach a parrot a phrase it can say it, hell it can even read it…but it has no clue as to what it means. If you want to know unconditional empathy, love and compassion it comes with experience, not play by play explanation. I'm not saying I have it all right or figured out, because I don't. But if I have experienced it at face value and you haven't…then you have little say on the matter. And this doesn't negate my love for any Religious Leader/Doctor/Television Doctor/Oprah at all; in fact, it strengthens my love for them…well, maybe not for Oprah).
13. Parachute Pants! (No matter what day, holiday, or year it is…they are never okay, you look STUPID!)
14. Mullets (See Parachute Pants).
15. And Finally My Endearing Cynicism (Yes it brings joy to some but it has burned its bridge or two…it's known as a double edged sword).
Well, that about does it for now. If you have anything you would like to say about or heck even ADD to the list please feel free!
Neil Spencer Hiatt Oct. 15th 2007