Before I start...no this is not a cry for help, nor am I dying of some life threatening disease...at least not that I know of. But I have been thinking (a lot) about that final curtain call we refer to as death and how I would want my final act to play out for the most of you.
I remember hearing once in the sixth grade, from my old Friend Kyle Robbins who I haven't seen since junior high...it's odd how we can call people our friends and forget them the very next summer...anyways coming back from that tangent, I remember hearing once through that wonderful telephone game called urban myths, about a man who just up and died.
He was just sitting on his couch watching TV and then BAM!!!! DEAD!!!!! LEFT THE BUILDING, EARTH LAB SUSPENDED!!!!
And the strange thing was....no one knew just how he died. Because, you see, when the city broke open his apt. door (probably due to the complaints from his neighbors about the stench emanating from the pores of his 1 bed 1/2 bath apartment coupled with his absence from work for over a week.) they found him sitting on his couch, eyes wide open, remote in hand, watching freaking television....100% d..e..a..d..DEAD.
The autopsy had shown no sign of heart attack or brain hemorrhage. No poisons or foul play. The man was just suddenly and inexplicably dead.
Now I know what you're thinking and let me tell you I agree in full.
You're thinking, "What a horrible way to die Neil. Just awful."
I KNOW! To just die, no horrific, fiery train wreck, no running into a burning building to save his favorite pet whiskers, not even a cardial infarction...just plain OLD dead.
I only bring up this story to amount that when I die be it the plain crash, mass suicide, my shooting death while trying to stop a bank robbery, or even plain old "harakiri" I would like your final thoughts of me on this earth to go out with a bang!
So without further delay a list of things (instructions) to be carried out at my funeral.
1. The viewing will be held at the Walker family mortuary in Payson Utah, my birth place and damn it all my final resting place.
2. The viewing will be a single file line where they each individual person (friend, fan, acquaintance, and even arch nemesis) will be led up to the coffin by the armed members of our Army's National Guard. Upon reaching the casket, the lid will be opened revealing myself in full clown costume and make - up (not kidding here, we are talking the wig, the make up, the giant shoes and EVERYTHING). The rule is if anyone laughs or even giggles at the appearance of me in my burial garb they will be shocked with the cattle prod and led directly out of the service and into the brig, where they will remain until the funeral is over.
3. A table will be set up in full view of the waiting line holding all of the pictures of me up to and including the video tape of my birth that my dad has many copies of, these copies will be handed out and also downloaded onto You Tube.
The table will also hold my many awards as well as accomplishments I have won and made over the years. Any snide or untrue comments about how I haven't really won the Nobel peace prize or how I just made up that story about dating and nailing Lindsay Lohan and doctored myself into those photos will not be tolerated and in turn you will get the cattle prod. All non believers will be punished!
4. For the funeral service we will not start with the traditional hymn.
Instead my good friend Brad Taylor will quietly walk up to the podium holding a Bose stereo boom box and play the song "Rocked you like a hurricane by: The scorpions". Only by then he will have replaced the word "am" with the word "was".
So now the song will go, "Here I 'WAS' rocked you like a hurricane!"
Brad will play this song twice then take his place back in the "People who rocked with Neil section" of the church where he will be served champagne and grapes from women dressed as hula girls. This section will also include, Devin, Kyle, Lee Majors, Adam West, and John Malcovich. (John Malcovich will be displayed live via satellite.) And will be located next to the "people who kicked ass with Neil" section of the church.
5. The speakers will go up as follows.
My father Vernon Hiatt will be first.
He will explain how I was the only real favorite child who had brought joy and love into his heart and now that I am gone he can only mourn that he will have to now pay attention to the children that he so often referred to as "The weaker sperm off-spring".
Following my fathers true and touching remarks should be my mother.
She will be wheeled up to the podium wearing the muzzle that my lawyers will require her to wear throughout the whole service. A short burst of spit filled gurgles and moans will Emmit from the leather taunts of her face mask while she will most likely try to struggle out of the straight jacket the state of Utah will require her to wear during the session.
I am guessing that under her bound features she would have read some witty haiku relating her love for me as her son....or just her trying to escape.
6. During the entire funeral a video of me "Just watching will be playing the entire time on a jumbo tron sized screen. The video will just consist of me staring and watching. Just so you will remember that I see everything even when I am dead. Also there will be a moment for people to come up and say things about how great I was and still am. Please keep them brief because we will play you off with music like in the Oscars.
7. After the speakers Brad will return to the podium with the stereo to play the closing song "We are the champions! By: Queen" Remade to say "Neil is the Champion"! This will play while the pallbearers (All select members from the bands Weezer, Journey, and special guest Tom freaking Jones) carry out my golden casket to the jewel encrusted burial plot.
8. The dedication of my grave will be given by all of my ex girlfriends.
Who will only announce that their lives have been and still are meaningless shells of emptiness without me. As well as how their current exploits cannot quench the once thirst that was Neil.
Which after they will give in detail the size and shape of my genitals or "Awesome 13 inch shaft and balls of awesomeness" as they were referred to by all. The audience will nod their heads in agreement and all who make snide remarks...I don't have to mention the cattle prod again do I? (side note: by this time the clown make up will have been removed and the clown suit will have been switched with a 3 piece Armani suit...out in style indeed).
9. As my golden casket is lowered into the grave a 21 gun salute will be issued as well as the fireworks display. At this time all of my enemies will be shot on site or placed into custody to be executed later where upon their bodies will be put on display for animals and children to urinate on. (A full list of enemies will be supplied at the funeral services).
9. Finally a fully catered dinner will be served for the survivors and friends courtesy of the Little America hotel in Salt Lake City.
Now that's a FREAKING WAY TO GO OUT! Thank you for reading this, I know it was incredibly long but for those who stuck it out kudos to you! Keep in touch and hope to see you at my funeral you bastards!