I often wonder with few questions about Chelsea, questions that can not be answered, at least not now.
Was she happy with us before the end? Did she love me the way I loved her?
Was I anything more than a screw up in our lives?
Oddly enough one of the major questions that has been in my mind lately is...
I wonder what song she thought was ours? (Weird I know)
I know what song I thought was but what did SHE feel was OUR song?
Was it the one I wrote for her or the one we heard when we first kissed?
Did she use it to lull herself to sleep?
Did she smile as the notes brushed past her ears and danced off into the air forever?
If I found that song and played it would you come back?
If yes I'll play them all and if not...I will keep writing till you do.
Lately, all the days up to and including this one I have found myself becoming more and more irritated at little things in my life and notice the tolerance for some of the people around me growing short, like a candle at the end of it's wick or more appropriately a fuse at the end of it's powder keg.
For some reason every person and every stupid insignificant thing has been annoying the crap out of me (I know that when the climate and seasons change everyone gets really edgy and irritable with what they call "Seasonal affective disorder" or S.A.D.).
But the truth is when I step back and take a look at what it is that REALLY is upsetting me then it all starts to make sense.
I know it's been two years and I know Chelsea isn't coming back but that doesn't change the fact that it happened and I still feel loss over it and how hard it is to let go. I've never once heard of grief having a timetable.
Another major problem is when I get into new relationships the only thing I think of when I'm out on dates is "God, Chelsea would have loved this, I wish I paid more attention to these things when she was around." which is totally unfair to all parties involved and then, BAM, we are back at square one again.
But the problem isn't any of the previous statements, all of that stuff is only a small tangent in the larger spectrum of this Cluster F$&K.
The thing that is really bothering me is that sometimes I try and think of all that we went through and all that we experienced and it feels like it was another life all together. How can two years feel like 20?
I hate that! I hate that what was only a short time ago seems like someone else lived it and I was just sitting idly by watching it happen.
I try and think about specific events and emotions and it feels like I am watching an old home movie or filmstrip in a dark room where the picture is starting to blur and the sound crackles and fades in the moments where I want it to fade the least. I know it's a cheesy analogy but you see where I am going with this.
It's strange how we can remember the smallest details about someone yet we can't remember the significant events that held us so close together.
I remember the tiniest details of Chelsea things like how she couldn't wink no matter how hard she tried, it was more like strained blinking. I would laugh at her futile attempts then she would smile and punch me in the arm.
Sometimes she would pull back her hair and puff up her cheeks and do a spot on impression of Cindy Lou Who from How the Grinch Stole Christmas.
She was also a die hard Beatles fan, and not one of those "Oh I like The Beatles but only know one song" fans, we are talking anything and everything about them she knew. She also had a massive crush on Dhani Harrison, George Harrison Son.
These are just a few things that I love about Chelsea that I can name off the top of my head. Truthfully there are others I could share but I selfishly choose to hold onto those moments for myself and hope you can forgive me on that end.
I know that I will eventually see her again and have the questions I want answered but as Tom Petty once wrote "Waiting is the hardest part".
I'm sorry I couldn't write more (or more clearly for that matter) but it has been a rough day and I just want to dream.
Thank you for listening,
Neil Spencer Hiatt