Why Make Facebook More Melodramatic Than It Already Is?

The Internet is a strange beast. While it connects us together with a simple click of the mouse, it also distances us greatly from one another. You may be asking yourself, "How can it connect us together while separating us at the same time?"

The answer is simple: anonymity.

If you've ever seen a comments page on YouTube, or a Facebook wall post, you would quickly notice how social tact and a general proclivity for civility is thrown out the window. . . much like the toasters in my friend Brad Taylor's recent art piece.

Brad Taylor's "Toaster Defenestration"


















Because the Internet allows us to state opinions from the comfort and safety of our homes, we tend to say things that we normally wouldn't say to a person face to face. In some cases the Internet allows us to say these things completely anonymously, and that is when all hell breaks loose.

In my opinion, arguing on Facebook is akin to shouting into the darkness and is pretty sad when you take a step back and look at the situation. It comes as no shock that the two subjects that stoke the flames the most are politics and religion. Now I am fine with conversations and civil discussions about both of these topics. But, it's the extremist political parroting, ad hominem, and useless trash talk that inevitably follows that really bothers me.

Examples:

From the Right: "Obama is a Socialist."
From the Left: "Republicans are Fascists."
"Gays are abominations!", "Christians are nut-jobs!" etc., etc., etc.

So my plan is that if anyone posts extremist political or religious fluff on Facebook I will just remove him or her from my friend list. (Note: Remember, only extremists get deleted; if you are civil and just keep an open mind, I will only hide you from my wall feed.)

Let's face it, and you can quote me on this,
"Posting extremist political and religious views on Facebook is like masturbating in public. While it might feel good to the person doing it, everyone else around you is uncomfortable and annoyed!" - Neil Hiatt
See, I even quoted myself (how humble of me).

Here is a song my friend Brad Taylor wrote on the aforementioned subject...
I have to say no one has put the subject in such an eloquent manner.
(Warning: Explicit Content - Not Safe For Work)

"Facebook" By: Brad Taylor

It's Just RUBBER BANDS!!!!

Trends are a strange thing.
We all follow them (even if you think you haven't, you have), we all notice them, and we even come to despise them.

At my current age I am not naive enough to believe that trends won't surpass my understanding. But that doesn't keep the understanding of their popularity out of my reach.

For example:


Wacky Rubber Bands


















These are a cultural phenomenon. They cost anywhere between $1.00 a package to $1,250 on ebay.

What are Wacky Bandz (or the more popular Sillybandz), exactly?
They are just regular rubber bands in the shapes of animals...seriously.

In typical fashion they are FLYING OFF THE SHELVES! We have had kids and
teenagers come into my work who literally have been dragged out of the store screaming and crying because their parents didn't buy them a rubber band in the shape of a Plesiosaur.
But the more I scratch my head as to why these animal-shaped pieces of rubber were so popular, the more I realize my generation had dozens of trends that were just as stupid.

Here are some of them:

Stupid Trends From My Generation:

1. Slap Bracelets

















Slap bracelets were huge when I was in elementary school. It's basically a piece of flexible tin wrapped in fabric but that didn't stop every kid from wearing them when I was in elementary. It also didn't stop children from removing the fabric and weaponizing the bracelets like a prison shiv. Not to mention the whole idea was to take that piece of tin and slap it as hard as you can on your wrist.

2. Pogs



















The idea behind Pogs (other than being circular pieces of cardboard with pictures on them) was that you would stack up your Pogs upside down against an equal amount of your opponent's Pogs, and then use a heavy "slammer" to knock over as many Pogs as possible. Any Pogs that turned over face up now belonged to you. These bad boys were banned from my school because it was "gambling." They even created a student-run Big Brother organization to rat out the children who were playing with Pogs. They were called, and I'm not joking here, "Red Shirts" because they would wear red t-shirts. We got around the Pog Prohibition by staging fights on the other end of the school yard so that while the adults and newly appointed "Pog Gestapo" were busy breaking up the quarrel, we would play pogs. That's right, I was the Al Capone of Pog bootlegging.

3. Pokemon















I never really got into this one, but my little brother Glen did. He had all the cards and Nintendo Gameboy games, and watched the T.V. show after school. You have to hand it to Japanese marketers though: the idea was brilliant. Have all facets of industry devised around a system whose slogan is "Gotta catch'em all!" Like adult neuroses, it creates a basis that one's self-esteem is reliant on how many fictional monsters it can collect. Either way, it was really stupid.

P.S. - To anyone who read this section and said, "But Neil, those are Yu-Gi0-Oh cards in that picture; not Pokemon!" You should be ashamed of yourself.

4. Reebok Pumps & Air Jordans















Remember Michale Jordan (at least before he grew a Hitler mustache)? Remember shoes that you pumped up so they would cut off circulation to your feet? Well, they were all the rage in the '90s. I remember getting a pair of Reebok Pumps when I was a kid in the actual belief that they would make me jump higher...yes, I was a sucker for marketing when I was seven.

5. Boy Bands




















Remember when the only music coming out was manufactured bands filled with sexually ambiguous boys who looked like sexually ambiguous girls with auto-tuned vocals to songs they didn't write? You do? Then stick an ice pick into your eye.

6. TY Beanie Babies



















One day my newly married step-brother will have to explain to his wife why he has a storage closet stuffed to the rafters with TY Beanie Babies. My step-mom, step-sister, and step-brother collected these like they were rarities akin to the Shroud of Turin or the Mona Lisa.

People at school would claim that in several years their Beanie Baby would be worth "tons of money." Not sure if the Beanie Babies have become as popular as the lost Charlie Chaplin film but I'm not holding my breath.

As you can see, no matter how stupid some current trends are, we have to admit that ours were just as stupid.

Maybe worse...

Things I Have Accomplished or That Have Been Accomplished In The Amount of Time It Took Me To Find A Parking Space

Eighty dollars!

I'll say it again,
EIGHTY DOLLARS!!!!

That is how much it costs for a yearly parking pass at UVU.

Fifty minutes!

Once more,
FIFTY MINUTES!!!!

That is how long it took me to find a parking space today! The only parking available was the "Free Parking Lot" that is so far away from the school it requires an airport-style shuttle.

To demonstrate the distance between where there was parking left and where my classes are held, I have made a diagram.

Diagram

I arrived at school like I always do, twenty minutes early. I didn't find a parking space until thirty minutes after classes had started. This is not beneficial to my education, my finances, or my faith in the new university status my college has been given.

Here are a few things that I could have accomplished (or that have been accomplished) in the span of 50 minutes or, in some cases, less.

50 Minute List

1. I could sand and mask the entire front end of a mid-sized sedan. (Approximately 50 minutes)
2. I could have gotten to class on time, taken notes, and not missed a quiz. (30 minutes)
3. I could have avoided the lecture about punctuality that followed. (At least 5 minutes)
4. The Anglo-Zanzibar War. An entire war that was over in less time than it took for me to find parking at a university in Orem, Utah! (A little over in 45 minutes)

5. I could have gone through the McDonald's drive-thru 5 times. (10 minutes each time)

6. I could have jogged off the fat from the McDonald's meal at the gym. (30 minutes on a treadmill...but who am I kidding?)

7. I could have watched all of the first act and most of the second act of The Departed. (50 minutes)

8. I Photoshopped Thomas The Tank Engine into a hoopty in less than fifty minutes. (Less than 50 minutes)

9. I wrote a letter of complaint that will never be read by school administration. Yeah, I'm that guy. (50 minutes)

10. I could have loaded 16 individual bullets into a 9 mm clip and blown out the back of my skull. (50 m...BLAM!)

Now here is the list of things I could have bought with eighty dollars.

$80 Dollar List

1. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 for the PS3. ($59.99)

2. One pair of jeans from The Buckle. ($72.50)

3. 8,000 penny candies. ($80)

4. Sauteed duck in Port reduction sauce, a Gulf Shrimp cocktail appetizer, and a whole bottle of Cabernet. ($65 for the meal $15 for the tip)

5. I could have paid for a massage for both Erin and me. ($40)

6. I could have paid for one massage with a happy ending for me. ($80)

7. I could have bought twenty previously owned DVDs. ($80)

8. Donated $80 to a charity of my choice. ($80)

9. Taken Erin out on a nice...ish date. ($5, no tip)

10. Bought the gun and bullets (see list item #10 on 50 minute list above). ($80)

Either way I was screwed out of almost an hour of my day and $80 from my bank account.

DAMN YOU, UVU PARKING!!!!

MY Production Blog

Hey everyone. As you know I am studying film at UVU now and for one of my classes (and for myself) I am making a production blog. So, hopefully, I will be posting my work on there for the next few months. You can check it out (Nothing really posted on there yet) at:

www.neilhiattproductions.blogspot.com

25 Years...More Than I Expected. (Written on My Birthday)

This morning I woke up and said to myself, "Happy Birthday, Neil. You're a quarter of a century old today." Then I thought of all the new freedoms that surviving this extra year brings. Like the ability to rent a car...and that's about it.

So in honor of my 25 years of existence I will toot my own proverbial horn and list 25 things I have accomplished so far. Then, I will list 25 things I want to accomplish in the next 25 years.

25 Accomplishments

1. I survived to 25 (Honestly, I really thought I would be dead by now.)
2. I went on tour of the western United States with a punk band when I was 17.
3. I've written at least 25 songs in my life (how's that for serendipitous?)
4. I've recorded 5 CDs with three different bands. (Here are two of them: 1 & 2)
5. I've learned how to play 2 different instruments (Guitar and Bass)
6. In the eighth grade I had a one-act play published in a writing magazine.
7. I've performed in at least 8 stage plays in starring roles (one of them Shakespearean.)
8. I was in a seminary video.
9. I've been in 4 commercials (2 Smith's, 1 nutrition, and a Utah Starzz commercial.)
10. I was in an English as a second language video.
11. When I was 14 I modeled for a mobile basketball stand box.
12. I graduated from high school.
13. I was in a Feature Films For Families Movie (For Sale Online here...warning, I was 14 when I made it and I overacted like HELL! So cut me some slack please.) ;oP
14. I am a stand-up comic.
15. I headlined a comedy club when I was 18.
16. I've participated in 3 comedy competitions and have won 2 of them.
17. When I was 19 I went on a small comedy tour of the western United States.
18. I have opened for Lewis Black, Jamie Kennedy, Big Jay Okerson, and other great comics.
19. My friends and I won a short film competition with this video (Note that video is three years old, so the quality isn't that great...sorry.)
20. I was a soccer referee for 3 years.
21. I met David Sedaris.
22. When I was 15 I bought a wrecked car with my own money and fixed it up (and I have done that with the last 3 cars I have owned.)
23. I booked comics for dances and parties thrown by utahparties.com
24. Last summer I went to New York City!
25. I've been accepted into UVU's film program.

25 Goals/Hopes For Before I Turn 50:

1. Graduate from college.
2. Move out of Utah.
3. Get Married.
4. Write 25 more songs.
5. Write a feature film length screenplay.
6. Get a film produced.
7. Direct a film. Non-Pornographic only.
8. Write a novel.
9. Lose 50 Pounds!!!!
10. Work on a real film crew.
11. Buy a house.
12. Own a miniature goat as a pet.
13. Travel to France.
14. Travel to Germany.
15. Travel to Ireland.
16. Travel to England. Or to a lesser extent...Canada.
17. Build houses and schools in Africa.
18. Start the Chelsea Anderson Memorial Scholarship.
19. Meet Quentin Tarantino.
20. Meet Christopher Nolan.
21. Get a film submitted or work on a film that gets into Sundance or Cannes.
22. Learn to speak another language fluently. Learn how to speak English too.
23. Go skydiving.
24. Write a musical.
25. Master Final Cut Pro, Photoshop, and all other Apple/Adobe products!

So in closing...Happy Birthday to Me.

Thank You,

Neil Hiatt, Age 25

Things I Never Thought I Would Hear...Until I Worked At Blockbuster

Have you ever had or overheard a conversation and immediately thought, "What the Fu#K was that all about?" Ever since I started working part time at Blockbuster I've had several of those moments. Here are a few that I will share with you.

1. A conversation between two women talking in line about a bachelor party her husband was throwing that night:

Lady #1: "So, are you mad about your husband's party?"

Lady #2: "No, I don't even care about the strippers. I just want the house clean for the baby blessing tomorrow. You know how it is though, party hard Saturday because Church is on Sunday."

2. My co-worker's sister was having a baby. Mind you, I had only known this person for a few hours when she yelled the following statement to me from across the room:

My Co-worker: "Neil, my sister is dilated 7 centimeters right now."

My Brain: "GAAAAAHHHHH!!!!"

My Mouth: "...oh."

3. While I was stocking shelves I heard a woman say the following about why she didn't want to rent a certain movie:

Woman: "I love Meryl Streep, but she is just SOOOO liberal!"

4. A little boy, around 8 or 9 said this while looking for a movie with his babysitter:

Babysitter: "How about Tommy Boy? You love Tommy Boy."

Non P.C. Boy: "That's Gay. All of these movies are gay, and you are gay for liking them."

5. A random statement I could never agree with:

Man with Bad Taste in Comedians: "That Larry the Cable Guy sure is funny! Get-er-done!"

6. All DVD and Blu-Ray rentals are $4.00 for four days. It has been that way for over a year now, but this woman decided to complain about it to me anyway:

Cheapskate Woman: "Four dollars for a movie rental?"

Me: "Yes, it's $4.00 for four days. So really only a dollar a day."

Cheapskate Woman: "Fine! I will do it this once but I am NEVER coming back here again."

(Cut to a week later, when the same woman is renting her third movie for that week.)

Cheapskate (and now unable to follow through with a threat) Woman: "Four dollars for a rental? Are you serious? I am NEVER coming back here again!"

7. If you don't have your Blockbuster Card we can use your driver's licence to pull up your account. If you don't have either a Blockbuster Card or driver's licence, I can't pull your account up. But some people are wary of giving me their driver's licences for some reason...:

Me: "Hello, do you have your Blockbuster Card or driver's license with you today?"

Afraid I Will Steal His Identity Man: "Why do you need my drivers licence?"

Me: "Well, if you don't have your blockbuster card I need it to pull up your account."

Still Afraid I Will Steal His Identity Man: "I've never heard of that."

Me: "It's just store policy, sir."

Continually Afraid I Will Steal His Identity Man: "I will just take my business elsewhere."

8. This one gets "The Most Awkward Award." I was standing at the register when two men from the same ward ran into each other. Note - I was standing literally in the middle of this conversation:

Guy #1: "Holy crap, (Guy #2's Name Deleted) how are you?"

Guy #2: "Oh, (Guy #1's Name Deleted) I didn't see you there. I'm good! What's new?"

Guy #1: "Just returning some movies. Where is (Guy #2 wife's name deleted)? We haven't seen her around this week."

Guy #2: "She is visiting her father."

Guy #1: "(Gasp) Is he sick?"

Guy #2: "No."

Guy #1: "Is it a family function?"

Guy #2: "No."

Guy #1: "When will she be back?"

Guy #2: "...Never. She's not coming back."

(There was an excruciating pause here, I am talking about a half a minute of silence as Guy #1's eyes looked as if they would pop out of his head. For some reason this is where I decided to contribute to the conversation...)

Me: "For only $3.00 more you can get a 20 oz. soda, a box of candy, and a popcorn."

(In my panic, I decided the best thing to do while these two men and myself were trapped in what might possibly be the most awkward conversation of my life, was to up-sell candy, popcorn, and soda to Guy #2...classy...always classy.)

9. A woman had just moved into a new ward and was having trouble, so a fellow member was giving her counsel (it was sweet, really...but the word choice was poor.)

Helpful Man From Ward: "There are a lot of good people in this ward. People desperate to reach out and touch you...so please, let them touch you."

10. Finally, my personal favorite, there was a customer leaving the store who had just rented a movie...this movie...
Zalman King's Body Language








































From what I can gather on IMDB and from the gratuitous box cover, Body Language is a series revolving around a strip club aptly named, "Body Language." One review about the show says, "It features some really good nudity and simulated sex...shows full female genitalia..."
I only mention this because while the man who rented Body Language was about to exit the building, another customer from across the room called out to him:
Man Calling Out: "Hey Bishop! It's good to see you!"
Bishop Who Just Rented Soft-Core Porn: (Turns around) "Good to see you too..." (abruptly leaves the store)
(I could see someone not knowing what they just rented and mistakenly picking up something like that on accident...but, with the picture on the movie's cover, the name of the film, and the distinct description on the back of the box...I'm going to skip giving this guy the benefit of the doubt.)

So, in closing, please be aware of what you say in public settings. Because you never know who might be listening, watching, and wringing their hands together in anticipation to post your insane lack of people skills on the web.

Things In My Life I Hope I NEVER Say...

Neil Hiatt's List Of Phrases He Hopes Will Never Be Said By Him:

1. Wow, Twilight was an awesome movie! Hey guys!

2. I really enjoyed reading Twilight! Congratulations on finding the hidden message in my blog!

3. I'm team Jacob & team Edward! I wanted to tell you all how much I dislike Glenn Beck.

4. I'd love to join your multi-level-marketing team! I know a lot of you like him and that's okay.

5. I can't wait for the Republican National Convention this year or the Democratic National Convention for that matter. But I find his views to be unfounded, divisive, and fear mongering.

6. The way Stephanie Myer writes is just so poignant and in no way loathsome.

7. I love reality TV! Plus, he seems to flip flop on issues based on who is paying him.

8. LOL! Once again, it's okay for you to like him, just like it is okay for me to dislike him.

9. Every time I watch American Idol I feel a sense of pride for my country. I just feel....

10. You know, after a while, I hardly even notice my colostomy bag anymore.

11. When I think of open minded and tolerant people, I think of Utah. that a lot of people here...

12. Twilight is in no way misogynistic. Also, the main characters have a healthy man dominates female relationship. in Utah like him because he is Mormon and that just isn't enough for me.

13. That Arizona sure does have the right idea. Just MY opinion and if it offends you I'm sorry.

14. I've got tickets to Hannah Montana and YOU are invited! But not too sorry.

15. Who wants to go see a spoof movie? Thanks for reading, love you all, Neil Hiatt.

All in good fun no harm intended!

Good Night,

Neil Hiatt