Okay let's get right to the point!
People...are Assholes...all of them...even the good ones (yes, myself included).
I have come to terms with this fact, and although I do believe that most people generally have good intentions and try to be decent, for the most part they eventually drop reason, logic, and tact and become total dicks.
And it takes a special kind of douche bag to irritate me to the point of (possible) violence.
(Note: this post is in jest. So, NO I don't believe that violence should come before eloquent debate...work with me here.)So I have compiled a list of attitudes/behaviors/personality types/events that piss me off in general.
With this list I will include
Why It Makes Me Mad, A Rating of How Mad It Makes Me, & How I Would Dispose of These People If It Weren't Illegal.
I will rate my hatred for them using a little tool Erin and I devised.
Behold!
The Mess-You-Up-O-Meter
How The Mess-You-Up-O-Meter Works
The meter goes from left to right and the ranges are as follows:
On the left we have the "Bitch Please" rating which while low, warrants a flesh wound or at least a pummeling.
Next, we have the "Oh, No You Didn't" rating. This rating comes with a pimp slap and a few stabs to the chest.
After that there is the "Shit Just Got Real." When this rating shows up...it means shit just got real.
Fourth is the rating "Foot Up Yo Ass." It's pretty self explanatory.
Last, but certainly not least, is the "Mess You Up" rating. When this comes up on the scale it means I will straight-up murder you and send your remaining pieces across the globe.
Do you understand the rating system? GREAT!!!!
Without further interruption...
Neil Hiatt's List Of Things That Will Cause Him To Straight-Up Murder You!
1. People who complain about their circumstances...but do absolutely nothing to change them.
Recent Offenders
Most of the human race.
How It Rates
Bitch Please!
Why It Makes Me Mad
This upsets me on a few levels.
First, the offenders are always non-apologetic whiners (and yes I see the hypocrisy of complaining about people who complain but it's my blog...so suck it)! They complain about their lives, their boyfriends/girlfriends, their jobs, what movie they just saw, the quality of restaurants, etc. According to them their lives are hard and they just don't have any time for anything.
Second, about 90% of these people's problems are of their own design.
- They complain about their jobs...yet never look for any other work or ways to better their current situation. Note: If you hate your job...get another one. If that doesn't work out go back to school and better your situation...hell, join the military I don't care just SHUT UP!
- They say they don't have enough time to do the things they want but stay out incredibly late and overbook their schedules with events they could easily say NO to.
- Their Boyfriend/Girlfriend doesn't pay enough attention to them, call them enough, treat them like a king/queen, blah, blah, blah! Note: Chances are if he or she isn't the person you want now...they probably won't be later, and if they haven't changed for you yet...then they probably don't want to change and you should just MOVE ON. Also, why are you with someone you just want to change in the first place? If you want to be treated like a Queen/King then you should also be prepared for a revolution or the class warfare that comes with the crown.
- Everything is just soooooo hard for them. The slightest problem shows up and they completely SHUT DOWN and are inconsolable. Look, I understand that everybody's life is hard...but there will always be someone who has life harder than you do...for example click
here and
here or maybe
here just to name a few.
Third, and final for this one, when these people are offered the chance to change their poor circumstances...they don't take them! When given good advice they back peddle and then downplay their problems or just flat-out refuse to make any positive steps forward. This has led me to believe that they do this purely for attention and not the good kind like you want. For these people it's easier to get negative attention and pity than actually doing something worthwhile and earning praise...but so is life I guess.
How I Would Do It
Since this one is low on the Mess-You-Up-O-Meter I would only beat them with a large tree branch and then stick the branch ends under their fingernails.
2. Blatant Homophobia and Racism.
Recent Offenders
My old scout master (racist), that guy who wouldn't walk through the door I was holding open because he was afraid someone would think he was gay (homophobia to an absurd degree), My Junior year seminary teacher (sad to say, Racism), etc.
How It Rates
Foot Up Yo Ass
Why It Makes Me Mad
This one ranks pretty high for me simply because it BAFFLES me!
How, in this day and age, can someone still feel that degree of hatred for a person based on something so superficial? I'm not saying that everyone doesn't make judgements based off generalizations...because we all do for
example. But it is the intent and action that comes from those biases that can be harmful. And don't get me wrong, this isn't a slam on theology and their disagreements with homosexuality and such, I'm not even going to touch that, because even religion teaches you to be TOLERANT with views that are different than yours...so at least I can be forgiving there. But that's not what upsets me...what upsets me is the blatant hatred that is thrown out by ignorant people. Like the scout master who said,"All Martin Luther King said was 'I have a dream.' I've had plenty of dreams and no one makes a holiday about me," and skirts the entire civil rights movement based off a logical fallacy. Not to mention the abundant use of the N-word that he used after making that statement. It's that kind of unnecessary hatred that boils my blood.
How I Would Do It
I would place them in a room with the people they hate and force them to have an open and logical discussion. The sudden use of tact and reason in this person's life would cause him to have an aneurysm and die.
3. When People Give My Contact Information Out To Multi-Level Marketing Schemes And Sales Jobs.
Recent Offenders
Aarron Heywood, Credit Card Companies, Friends That Are In M.L.M.s
How It Rates
Foot Up Yo Ass
Why It Makes Me Mad
For those of you who don't know me it might surprise you to find out I HATE, HATE, H...A...T...E, talking on the phone, so when I get phone calls from people looking for me to join Pre-Paid Legal, Noni, Sales, etc., I want to grab a gun and shoot every cell phone tower on Earth.
I only bring this up because this happened recently. I ran into an old friend from high school (Aarron Heywood...sorry for using your name bro...but you gave out my number so I guess we are even now) at a local concert.
We got to talking and decided that it would be cool to get together and hang out, the possibility of motorcycle riding was brought up. So we exchanged information, I.E. my cell phone number, and then got into a conversation about what the both of us were currently doing in our lives. I told Aarron about how I was in school and just started on my major in Digital Media and Aarron told me about an insurance sales job that he had just started. I congratulated Aarron on his new job and exclaimed at how it fit his personality perfectly (He is very eloquent and great at sales). It was here that I thought this conversation would end...but to my surprise it wasn't.
About three days after speaking to Aarron I got a phone call from his boss who told me he had gotten my phone number from Aarron. He then gave me a pitch about joining Aarron's "team." Mind you, this is the exact same pitch I was giving people at my old sales job. They would build enthusiasm, pitch you the product, then take it away...it was only my experience from my last job that I saw through this and frankly, I was a little insulted. I was also driving home from a long day of filming at school and still had a screenplay due, a web site layout to compose, and I needed to watch Citizen Kane and write a paper on what I had seen...not to mention that I was incredibly pissed off to find that my personal cell phone number was given out without my consent.
Aarron, apparently, took my enthusiasm towards his new job as interest in having this job myself...which I assure you I don't. I have tried my hand at sales before and I failed miserably and have no desire to venture into the bold and brave world of sales...so it was to my fury that I was being pitched on something I wasn't interested in from someone who got my information without my knowledge.
How I Would Do It
I would take the cell phone and sim card then forcefully shove them so far up your ass you will still get full reception and clarity when someone calls you.
4. Being Condesending And/Or Unessecarily Rude To My Girlfriend
Recent Offenders
My Stepdad, Her Ex, Others
How It Rates
Mess You Up!
Why It Makes Me Mad
I kind of feel bad that I have to post this, because in all truth Erin is very capable of handling condescending jackasses herself (seriously she may be small but she can mentally, verbally, and probably physically beat the shit out of all of you.)
Really this one kind of goes without saying...but I will say it anyway just to be clear.
I don't care what you say about me, I don't care what you think about me, to be honest your opinion of me doesn't effect my sense of self worth AT ALL. Even if you think it does...it doesn't.
Let me put it this way, there are only two people in my life whose opinions I really care about. One of them is Erin and the other is
dead.
So with that being said, you can say whatever you want about me, but if you try to talk down or condescend to her I will F#$king hunt you down!
How I Would Do It
I don't want to go into too much detail, but let's just say it would involve sharp objects, my fists, my feet, and only one of us coming out alive.
So, there they are. The top four things that if you do I will kill you.
Now that you know them I really hope it will never come to that.
Thank you and Goodnight.
Neil Spencer Hiatt
