Proof That We Are Slowly And Willfully Slipping Into Banality! (Copied From My Facebook Page July, 2nd 2009)

I was online today doing my math homework when I decided to take a short break and watch a Gorrilaz documentary on YouTube. I was enjoying my time learning how a very artistic and groundbreaking group came together when I stumbled across this...

http://www.youtube.com/user/Fred

The link, as posted above, is a YouTube channel for an obvious candidate for ADHD, Meth, or both, named Fred. For some reason, Fred gets around 6,000,000 views and was recently nominated for a Teen Choice Award. 
My question is....WHY???? Why do we allow this to become popular? It's not funny, it's not in the least original or even witty! It's a kid who filmed himself rattling off dick and fart jokes for ten minutes and then speeds up the sound in Adobe Premiere...yet...He's getting an award for it? 

When did I fall asleep and then wake up in a place where everyone is okay with mediocrity? 

There are thousands of talented writers, comedians, musicians, etc., that have so much to offer, but none of it is seen because for some reason everyone's eyes are attached to something completely useless!

It's this strange mentality we have that makes us ask, Why should anyone read Infinite Jest, Breakfast of Champions, or The Epic of Gilgamesh when everyone is slobbering over Twilight and whatever excrement Dan Brown is crapping out? 
or
Who needs Arrested Development and good writing when we have American Idol, Reality TV, and Fred?

Well to the people asking those questions F*@K You!

Weight Problem

My mirror is a liar. A real cold, son-of-a-bitch liar too. Because every time I look in the mirror I think, "Hey, I look pretty good. Everything looks proportionate." And then I start off on my merry way...that is, until someone takes my picture. 

Because cameras are the bringers of truth...chubby, no-neck, spare tire, man-boobs truth. 

It's strange that I can look in the mirror and feel like myself but whenever I see a picture that someone has taken of me I think, "Who in the hell is that guy? Did he eat the Mirror Me?"

But it's high time I take responsibility for my own actions. 

Five years ago I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. 

In one month I went from weighing a healthy 150 pounds to 190 pounds. I was exhausted to the point that I once slept an entire 24 hours (6:00 P.M. to 6:00 P.M.)

I was then put on medication that helped regulate my metabolism again.

I exercised regularly an eventually got back down to 150 pounds... I looked like this...

Me One Year Ago...

  

I then broke my foot playing indoor soccer and over the 4 months I was in the cast I got off my exercise regime.

But...I now have to take responsibility for the fact that I am yet again back to the unhealthy weight of 190 pounds. Here is me now.

Me Now...

If what you're thinking is HOLY CRAP!!!! Then you are right!

But I can't blame the cast for my weight gain. I went through the last year and have come up with some startling evidence that this is all my own fault.

Neil's list of evidence why he HIMSELF is the main reason he is fat now...

1. After I order at a fast food place, when I pull up to a drive through window the employee is always surprised that there is only one person in the car.

2. I once bought a deep fryer for the sole purpose of deep frying a Twinkie and a snickers bar...Granted, I only did it once, but COME ON. 

3. I eat maybe one meal a day and it is usually a BIG meal and late at night.

4. I never exercise anymore.

5. I nearly pass out when walking up the stairs in the Gunther Trades building, so I have been taking the elevator, even though it is slow and takes longer.

6. I always eat out. I can cook and pretty well but have just been too lazy!

7. My sleeping patterns are atrocious. On days I have classes I get up at Seven A.M. but on days I don't, I stay up late the night before and sleep in till noon or one.

8. The rare times I do bake or cook I end up making Muddy Buddies or cookies or something high in fat.

9. I drink Mexican Coca-Cola like it's Ambrosia.

10. When we go out to eat it's usually at places that serve hunks of meat on a sword.

11. I have become a lazy asshole.  

I am sick of this! So...it's time for a change. I have got a gym pass and am turning my life around. Starting NOW!

Here is the plan so far:

1. Get on a regular sleeping schedule. Be in bed by at least Eleven and up at Seven on School days and no later than Nine on Days off.

2. Eat three meals a day at the same time every day. I will try to keep it at least 1600 calories and have a small snack in between meals.

3. Eat at home more often or at least pre-prepare meals so I don't fall behind.

4. GO TO THE FU$%ING GYM! And don't miss any days barring Sundays, injury, or death!

5. Take responsibility for my actions when it comes to my weight.

Well there's my rant for the night. Hopefully it will work out and if you have any tips feel free to post them...but please be gentle.

Thank you,

Goodnight

- Neil Hiatt

Napoleon Complex or Lack Thereof

For those of you who know me, and the few who don't, I am short...or at least that is what people keep telling me. I stand currently, without shoes, at 5 ft and just barely 8 inches. Throughout my life I have never felt disadvantaged or embarrassed about my short stature. It has not hindered me in social or dating situations, nor have I ever lashed out in violence because I've felt inadequate because of my size. But it's odd to see the people who are short in stature, like myself, fall into the stereotype of the dreaded "Napoleon Complex."

According to the ever so "accurate" (;-p) Wikipedia:

" The Napoleon complex is a colloquial term describing an alleged type of inferiority complex which is said to affect men, who are short in stature. The term is also used more generally to describe people who are driven by a perceived handicap to overcompensate in other aspects of their lives. This term is also known as Napoleon syndrome, Short Man syndrome, Little Man syndrome and Small Man syndrome. It does not appear in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. The Napoleon complex is named after French Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte."

I find it funny that because one person was perceived as short and because of the power this person obtained, anyone who is short is now stereotyped with being a megalomaniac.

But, apparently, the Napoleon part of the complex (according to sources) was not entirely accurate:

"The conventional wisdom is that Napoleon overcompensated for his short height by seeking power, war and conquest. However, Napoleon was actually of average height for his time period and misconceptions may have been due to an incorrect conversion of his height; historians have now suggested Napoleon was 1.68m / 5 feet 6 inches tall. The perception that Napoleon was short may also be related to his often being seen with his Imperial Guard, who were of above average height. In psychology, the Napoleon complex is regarded as a derogatory social stereotype."

So in reality Napoleon was of average height for that time. Also, according to scholarly research, Jesus would have been of diminished height as well, because of the localization and height for that time period. And, seeing that Jesus had control over the Earth and Man...was Napoleon (being that he was short and had control over of over half of the world) ever blamed for having a Jesus complex? I doubt it.

Short people of the world! I say, rise above this stereotype. If you are under 5 ft 10 inches, DO NOT BUY A MASSIVE TRUCK to compensate for your literal shortcomings. Do not pick a fight with every person who is bigger than you, like some bull dog who is foaming at the mouth! Rise above them in all the ways you cannot physically do so! UNITE!

Glad to see that bureaucracy has yet to fail us....oh, wait

For the many people who actually read this blog (in reality about two people, Jacob Keele and Tess), you know that I am going to UVU for school. I recently dropped a class that turns out would be much better time-wise if I were to take it this summer. So, I dropped the class thinking that would be the end of it, when about two weeks later I received this in the mail...












This is a check from UVU (don't worry I have removed any information that could get me into trouble) for the amount of $2.00 and 00/100 cents...seriously.
I had paid $379 for class fees this semester and had a $1200 tuition wavier, so apparently, out of that $379 I forked over...only $2.00 of it was for that class.

Now, here is where we get into some fun math: The average office worker makes between $5.85 and $13.85 an hour, but since it's UVU I am going to say it's only $5.85. The average accountant makes about $49.00 per hour. So lets assume that it took the office worker 20 minutes to process the paperwork and the accountant, 15 minutes to do his or her job. So that would cost about $14.10 to have them process this one check. If we add about $0.50 for the cardstock it was printed on and $0.44 for the postage, then we have the grand total of $15.04, just to mail me this oh-so-important check for TWO DOLLARS!

If it weren't a federal crime, I would gold plate and frame the damn thing!

And the brilliant cherry on the government cake is that the $2.00 doesn't really cover the gas it takes to drive to the bank to cash the check...thank you, and good day.

My (Hypothetical) Death Via Airplane...

This last summer Erin, her roommate, Diana, and I went to New York on vacation.

If I had to suggest at least one thing everyone should do in their life, I'd say GO TO NEW YORK CITY would be at the top of the list. We saw a play on Broadway, visited historic landmarks, and had an overall great time (much to the chagrin of my wallet).

The only negative experiences we had in New York were two fold.

First...our hotel!

We stayed at the JFK airport Ramada in Jamaica, New York.

So...pretty much on the corner of Stabsville and Rapetown. I'm not sure about Erin and Diana's room, but in my room one of the previous tenants had taken to slicing the window drapes with a butterfly knife...so that was a great, warm, safe, feeling for me.

(see)

Also, I'm pretty sure the hotel itself was on egg crates.

(See)

Second...Our Return Flight Home

Exhausted, we drudged our weary selves onto the plane, like B-movie zombies (quite literally for Erin, who had taken an Ambien 30 minutes before we boarded).

We were ready to go home and get back into our everyday boring lives, filled with school, work, and other stuff... Our plane was taxied out onto the runway when suddenly, BOOM! We were hit by a massive thunderstorm, which left us stranded for two hours.

THEN, we had to wait until all of the planes in front of us had taken off, all 41 of them. It was during this time that Erin had entered her half-awake, half-drug-induced rage. "I ordered a water!" she said curtly as the flight attendant walked nervously by...even though we hadn't taken off and the drink cart hadn't passed us by yet. Normally my sweet, gorgeous girlfriend--who is by no means editing this blog for me right now--would never do such a dreadful thing outside the confines of the anger prescription she'd carried on the plane with her. But I digress...

We were finally able to get into the air and flew directly into the storm. So let's do the math here: We were stuck in an airplane cabin on a tarmac for over four hours. I have one laptop and one iPod and both batteries had worn out by hour two. We took off and on our four-hour flight home they sent the drink cart only once to give us what I can only call a "splash" of water in a Dixie cup and a handfull of dry-roasted peanuts. If we wanted any real food we were going to have to fork out $8.00 for a finger sandwich that I wouldn't even serve at my wedding! Because Erin says they clash with her six colors anyway...but I digress.

As my stomach rumbled and my boredom grew, I reached a moment of clarity, what the Buddhist monks might call "enlightenment." Now this probably wasn't true enlightenment (being that it was brought on by hunger, boredom, and higher nitrogen levels in my brain from the high altitude, as well as being in an all-oxygen environment) but at the least we could call it an epiphany.

So, as I was saying, a single thought struck through my head like the flash of lightning threatening to send us careening toward the ground. As we made our decent into Utah, I could see the federal prison like a tiny speck down below. I thought of a death row inmate and how his final moments would play out. At the cost of the taxpayers, he would be given a steak dinner, a beer, a cigarette, and at least fifteen minutes of clean female companionship before he were to die...

Now, if my plane were to crash in a super-heated conglomerate of fire, steel & my human flesh, the only thing that they would find in my stomach would be peanuts and shame.

So I would have payed $500 dollars for a horrible death and the worst last meal in human history, while my tax dollars would give Joe Van Wifekiller a four-course meal and something warm to rub up against...

I hate flying Coach!

Just to prove the joke is mine....

It's not that great of a joke but I had to post it somewhere so I can prove it's mine if needs be.

Shaquille O'Neal has a new TV show called "Shaq Vs." Where he challenges other athletes at their sports (E.G. Football, soccer, etc.). But to me an athlete vs. another athlete isn't much of a challenge. What they should really do is put Shaq up against something hard for him...like Shaq vs. remedial reading, Shaq vs. Child Support...or Shaq vs. the free throw.

A Real Life Bond Villain

A friend of mine from Jr. High posted a link today that I found interesting.
Here it is...

http://www.nola.com/news/index.ssf/2009/07/bill_gates_of_microsoft_envisi.html

The article talks about how Bill Gates and some of his "associates" (Henchmen would be more fitting) are building a machine that can control parts of the Ocean in order to possibly dissipate incoming hurricanes. While this device would be AMAZING and could likely save countless human lives...I can't help but be a little nervous. 
Here's why...

What do you get when you have a super-nerdy billionaire, a corner on the world's software market, a machine that controls the FREAKING OCEAN, and the overall penchant for evil?

YOU GET A JAMES BOND VILLAIN!!!!

All Mr. Gates needs is a giant menacing chair, a cat, and an evil lair built inside of a dormant volcano and he is set! I hate to rag on the guy's incredible idea, it's just that you really can't help but draw some strong parallels between Mr. Gates and a nefarious super villain.
Could you picture the poster for the Bill Gates Bond flick?

I think it would look something like this...

Bill Gates gives a whole new meaning to the name octo-"pussy."
Don't get me wrong, I love the advancement in technology but if television and movies have taught me anything it's this,

1. Billionaires only build death machines.
2. Robots with Artificial Intelligence always rise up and kill their human masters. (T1, T2, IRobot, The Matrix, & 9)
3. To go through time you must first travel 88 Miles Per Hour. (BTTF)
4. Only Pretty People are allowed to save the Earth! (See: Transformers or anything by Michael Bay)

So keep an eye out!
Thank you,

Neil Spencer Hiatt