A Newfound Celebrity...Of Sorts

Google.

What a fantastic creation that links the world together and allows access to information at the click of a mouse.

Information like:

"Who won the first world series?"

Answer: The Boston Americans (Later renamed the Boston Red Sox).

or

"How many packets of Kool-Aid would it take to fill the ocean?"

Answer: 732 quintillion packets "Oh Yeah!"

or

How to curse in sign language.

Google is also incredibly successful. As of 2011 Google's net worth is $190 Billion dollars.

To put that into perspective, if you were to produce the movie Avatar, buy the world's most expensive house (Antilla), buy a private island, A Private Jet, and a Tiger, then donated $300,000,000 to charity, and purchase The Batmobile (The Dark Knight Version), You would still have $188 Billion dollars left over.

Google is so popular that it is now a verb (examples: Google the answer, Google the site, I just googled myself).

Speaking of googling myself, that is another amazing thing that Google supplies us with,

immediate self-masterbatorial narcissism. With a simple click you can search all of the information the internet has about YOU! Where you live, your facebook page, and even links to your blog.

The final item that Google is good for, apparently, is porking me in the ass.

TWIST?!?!?

You must be confused.

"But Neil, you were just saying what a great invention Google was. Why are you being so negative toward Google now?"

Well, let me tell you.

Yesterday when my wife googled my name she found something interesting.

She found this:

Now you probably don't see anything wrong with

this picture...so let me narrow it down for you.

WHAT?!?!?

What you see in that picture is a link to a website called www.icelebsdb.com

From what I can gather, www.icelebsdb.com is a bullshit site.

It is a fake site that takes information from anyone who has an IMDB.com page and then post it on their website in order to link it to a celebrity porn site.

So now, when you google search my name a link pops up and claims to have "Nude Pi

ctures" and "Naked Hot Scenes" of me. And on the first page. Make no mistake...it's me that they are talking about. They have my full name, birthdate, and home town on record.

So, obviously there are no nude photos of me on the internet.

I mean seriously, the closest thing to a nude photo I even have is this...

And while I am flattered that they have lowered the standard of the word "celebrity" to include this pudgy, 26-year-old college student, I don't appreciate a site claiming to have nude photos and videos of me. The funny thing is...why are they using my name to promote their site, and is that strategy even working?

In all seriousness, if they wanted nude photos, all they had to do was ask.

Obviously this is a recent picture.

I really don't know what my legal recourse is here, but for the moment I guess I could find the server that houses the site and hope to God it's in the U.S. Maybe the site will be short lived and get shut down by people even more famous than myself. Or, for now anyway, I could just leave it be and use it as a conversation piece.

I can see it now: I'm somewhere in time and space, talking to a prospective client or colleague and when that inevitable dip in the conversation happens, I can pull out my ace in the hole: "Hey, (insert prospective client or colleague here) if you Google my name you will find a fake link to non-existent naked pictures of me."

Then we all laugh and become friends.

Or something like that.

I Sense Much Fear In You...And By "You" I Mean Me

According to Psychology Today:

"Fear is a vital response to physical and emotional danger—if we couldn't feel it, we couldn't protect ourselves from legitimate threats. But often we fear situations that are in no way life-or-death, and thus hang back for no good reason."

Good point, Psychology Today!

Fear is something that is in all of us, be it legitimate or irrational. From time to time, I myself feel the gut-wrenching void that opens up in my belly and crawls its way into my brain whenever fear grips me by the man-bits.

Here is a list of my top-5 fears.

Neil Fears (In Order of Terror)

1. Spiders

Yes, spiders. I know it sounds cliché, but every time I see one of those eight-legged bastards my mind can't help but lock up all of my motor skills and evacuate my bowels in pure terror.

I am so afraid of spiders that even fake ones creep me out, and I had to have my little brother beat all of the levels in Resident Evil 2 that had giant spiders...

But come on! Just look at them!

(I had to have someone else paste this picture here)

Everything about spiders is pure, unadulterated EVIL!

Here is a sub-list of evil things spiders do:

I know what you're thinking, "Neil, is this a list...within a list?"

The answer is Yes!

You bitches have just been Incepted!

(Yes, drink it in.)

Anyway, here is the sub-list of evil spider actions:

A. They have eight legs, eight eyes, and fangs, and most of them are deadly poisonous.

B. The females eat their mates after sex.

C. Spider babies eat the mother after birth (seeing a pattern here).

D. The largest spider in the world is called the "Goliath Bird Eater" and it FREAKING EATS BIRDS!

And, if any of the previous items failed to convince you that spiders are pure evil, then take a look at this:

E. They trap their prey in a web, wrap them up in a death cocoon, inject them with venom that melts all of the prey's internal organs, and then they DRINK WHAT'S LEFT!

That is the most messed up way to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner!

Well, almost.

2. Heights

This is an odd one. I love repelling, I have been bungee jumping, and I have ridden all of the sky rides at the Stratosphere in Las Vegas. But being on a ladder or even standing next to the railing of a high stairwell makes me clam up, panic, and feel like my legs are going to give out.

(How does this not make you say AHHHHHHHHH?!?!)

3. Pickles

Okay, this isn't really a fear as much as is a raw hatred of pickles. But, some say that anger is a byproduct of fear.

But I must remind you, a pickle would kill you if it had the chance.

(See? The dirty bastards.)

4. Milky Eye

For those of you who don't know what Milky Eye is...This is milky eye:

Milky Eye (or Cloudy Cornea) is when a cloudy film covers the outside of the eye or inside of the cornea. This can be caused by several things: infection, damage to the eyeball, etc. Nevertheless it scares the crap out of me. I am not afraid of people who have milky eye, mind you; what frightens me is the thought that maybe one day I could have it.

Plus I just hate the word milky...gross.

5. Paralyzation

Once again, I am not afraid of people who are paralyzed. Just afraid that one day I will have an accident and become paralyzed. This might explain my fear of heights a little though. The only way I think I would ever be okay with paralyzation is if I got to ride around in this,

(Attach a cannon that fires t-shirts to this and you've got yourself a party!)

Fear is a strange mistress.

There are moments when you defy her and moments when you succumb to her cold embrace. But in life you shouldn't let fear hold you back from what you want. We all have let moments and opportunities pass us by because of fear. Fear of failure, fear of success (yes this is a real thing, and a lot of people will chicken out because of this one), fear of rejection, and the list goes on and on.

The point is to try your hardest to not let it drag you down. Because I never want to be the person who looks back and wonders, "What if?"

Why Make Facebook More Melodramatic Than It Already Is?

The Internet is a strange beast. While it connects us together with a simple click of the mouse, it also distances us greatly from one another. You may be asking yourself, "How can it connect us together while separating us at the same time?"

The answer is simple: anonymity.

If you've ever seen a comments page on YouTube, or a Facebook wall post, you would quickly notice how social tact and a general proclivity for civility is thrown out the window. . . much like the toasters in my friend Brad Taylor's recent art piece.

Brad Taylor's "Toaster Defenestration"


















Because the Internet allows us to state opinions from the comfort and safety of our homes, we tend to say things that we normally wouldn't say to a person face to face. In some cases the Internet allows us to say these things completely anonymously, and that is when all hell breaks loose.

In my opinion, arguing on Facebook is akin to shouting into the darkness and is pretty sad when you take a step back and look at the situation. It comes as no shock that the two subjects that stoke the flames the most are politics and religion. Now I am fine with conversations and civil discussions about both of these topics. But, it's the extremist political parroting, ad hominem, and useless trash talk that inevitably follows that really bothers me.

Examples:

From the Right: "Obama is a Socialist."
From the Left: "Republicans are Fascists."
"Gays are abominations!", "Christians are nut-jobs!" etc., etc., etc.

So my plan is that if anyone posts extremist political or religious fluff on Facebook I will just remove him or her from my friend list. (Note: Remember, only extremists get deleted; if you are civil and just keep an open mind, I will only hide you from my wall feed.)

Let's face it, and you can quote me on this,
"Posting extremist political and religious views on Facebook is like masturbating in public. While it might feel good to the person doing it, everyone else around you is uncomfortable and annoyed!" - Neil Hiatt
See, I even quoted myself (how humble of me).

Here is a song my friend Brad Taylor wrote on the aforementioned subject...
I have to say no one has put the subject in such an eloquent manner.
(Warning: Explicit Content - Not Safe For Work)

"Facebook" By: Brad Taylor

It's Just RUBBER BANDS!!!!

Trends are a strange thing.
We all follow them (even if you think you haven't, you have), we all notice them, and we even come to despise them.

At my current age I am not naive enough to believe that trends won't surpass my understanding. But that doesn't keep the understanding of their popularity out of my reach.

For example:


Wacky Rubber Bands


















These are a cultural phenomenon. They cost anywhere between $1.00 a package to $1,250 on ebay.

What are Wacky Bandz (or the more popular Sillybandz), exactly?
They are just regular rubber bands in the shapes of animals...seriously.

In typical fashion they are FLYING OFF THE SHELVES! We have had kids and
teenagers come into my work who literally have been dragged out of the store screaming and crying because their parents didn't buy them a rubber band in the shape of a Plesiosaur.
But the more I scratch my head as to why these animal-shaped pieces of rubber were so popular, the more I realize my generation had dozens of trends that were just as stupid.

Here are some of them:

Stupid Trends From My Generation:

1. Slap Bracelets

















Slap bracelets were huge when I was in elementary school. It's basically a piece of flexible tin wrapped in fabric but that didn't stop every kid from wearing them when I was in elementary. It also didn't stop children from removing the fabric and weaponizing the bracelets like a prison shiv. Not to mention the whole idea was to take that piece of tin and slap it as hard as you can on your wrist.

2. Pogs



















The idea behind Pogs (other than being circular pieces of cardboard with pictures on them) was that you would stack up your Pogs upside down against an equal amount of your opponent's Pogs, and then use a heavy "slammer" to knock over as many Pogs as possible. Any Pogs that turned over face up now belonged to you. These bad boys were banned from my school because it was "gambling." They even created a student-run Big Brother organization to rat out the children who were playing with Pogs. They were called, and I'm not joking here, "Red Shirts" because they would wear red t-shirts. We got around the Pog Prohibition by staging fights on the other end of the school yard so that while the adults and newly appointed "Pog Gestapo" were busy breaking up the quarrel, we would play pogs. That's right, I was the Al Capone of Pog bootlegging.

3. Pokemon















I never really got into this one, but my little brother Glen did. He had all the cards and Nintendo Gameboy games, and watched the T.V. show after school. You have to hand it to Japanese marketers though: the idea was brilliant. Have all facets of industry devised around a system whose slogan is "Gotta catch'em all!" Like adult neuroses, it creates a basis that one's self-esteem is reliant on how many fictional monsters it can collect. Either way, it was really stupid.

P.S. - To anyone who read this section and said, "But Neil, those are Yu-Gi0-Oh cards in that picture; not Pokemon!" You should be ashamed of yourself.

4. Reebok Pumps & Air Jordans















Remember Michale Jordan (at least before he grew a Hitler mustache)? Remember shoes that you pumped up so they would cut off circulation to your feet? Well, they were all the rage in the '90s. I remember getting a pair of Reebok Pumps when I was a kid in the actual belief that they would make me jump higher...yes, I was a sucker for marketing when I was seven.

5. Boy Bands




















Remember when the only music coming out was manufactured bands filled with sexually ambiguous boys who looked like sexually ambiguous girls with auto-tuned vocals to songs they didn't write? You do? Then stick an ice pick into your eye.

6. TY Beanie Babies



















One day my newly married step-brother will have to explain to his wife why he has a storage closet stuffed to the rafters with TY Beanie Babies. My step-mom, step-sister, and step-brother collected these like they were rarities akin to the Shroud of Turin or the Mona Lisa.

People at school would claim that in several years their Beanie Baby would be worth "tons of money." Not sure if the Beanie Babies have become as popular as the lost Charlie Chaplin film but I'm not holding my breath.

As you can see, no matter how stupid some current trends are, we have to admit that ours were just as stupid.

Maybe worse...

Things I Have Accomplished or That Have Been Accomplished In The Amount of Time It Took Me To Find A Parking Space

Eighty dollars!

I'll say it again,
EIGHTY DOLLARS!!!!

That is how much it costs for a yearly parking pass at UVU.

Fifty minutes!

Once more,
FIFTY MINUTES!!!!

That is how long it took me to find a parking space today! The only parking available was the "Free Parking Lot" that is so far away from the school it requires an airport-style shuttle.

To demonstrate the distance between where there was parking left and where my classes are held, I have made a diagram.

Diagram

I arrived at school like I always do, twenty minutes early. I didn't find a parking space until thirty minutes after classes had started. This is not beneficial to my education, my finances, or my faith in the new university status my college has been given.

Here are a few things that I could have accomplished (or that have been accomplished) in the span of 50 minutes or, in some cases, less.

50 Minute List

1. I could sand and mask the entire front end of a mid-sized sedan. (Approximately 50 minutes)
2. I could have gotten to class on time, taken notes, and not missed a quiz. (30 minutes)
3. I could have avoided the lecture about punctuality that followed. (At least 5 minutes)
4. The Anglo-Zanzibar War. An entire war that was over in less time than it took for me to find parking at a university in Orem, Utah! (A little over in 45 minutes)

5. I could have gone through the McDonald's drive-thru 5 times. (10 minutes each time)

6. I could have jogged off the fat from the McDonald's meal at the gym. (30 minutes on a treadmill...but who am I kidding?)

7. I could have watched all of the first act and most of the second act of The Departed. (50 minutes)

8. I Photoshopped Thomas The Tank Engine into a hoopty in less than fifty minutes. (Less than 50 minutes)

9. I wrote a letter of complaint that will never be read by school administration. Yeah, I'm that guy. (50 minutes)

10. I could have loaded 16 individual bullets into a 9 mm clip and blown out the back of my skull. (50 m...BLAM!)

Now here is the list of things I could have bought with eighty dollars.

$80 Dollar List

1. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 for the PS3. ($59.99)

2. One pair of jeans from The Buckle. ($72.50)

3. 8,000 penny candies. ($80)

4. Sauteed duck in Port reduction sauce, a Gulf Shrimp cocktail appetizer, and a whole bottle of Cabernet. ($65 for the meal $15 for the tip)

5. I could have paid for a massage for both Erin and me. ($40)

6. I could have paid for one massage with a happy ending for me. ($80)

7. I could have bought twenty previously owned DVDs. ($80)

8. Donated $80 to a charity of my choice. ($80)

9. Taken Erin out on a nice...ish date. ($5, no tip)

10. Bought the gun and bullets (see list item #10 on 50 minute list above). ($80)

Either way I was screwed out of almost an hour of my day and $80 from my bank account.

DAMN YOU, UVU PARKING!!!!

Things I Never Thought I Would Hear...Until I Worked At Blockbuster

Have you ever had or overheard a conversation and immediately thought, "What the Fu#K was that all about?" Ever since I started working part time at Blockbuster I've had several of those moments. Here are a few that I will share with you.

1. A conversation between two women talking in line about a bachelor party her husband was throwing that night:

Lady #1: "So, are you mad about your husband's party?"

Lady #2: "No, I don't even care about the strippers. I just want the house clean for the baby blessing tomorrow. You know how it is though, party hard Saturday because Church is on Sunday."

2. My co-worker's sister was having a baby. Mind you, I had only known this person for a few hours when she yelled the following statement to me from across the room:

My Co-worker: "Neil, my sister is dilated 7 centimeters right now."

My Brain: "GAAAAAHHHHH!!!!"

My Mouth: "...oh."

3. While I was stocking shelves I heard a woman say the following about why she didn't want to rent a certain movie:

Woman: "I love Meryl Streep, but she is just SOOOO liberal!"

4. A little boy, around 8 or 9 said this while looking for a movie with his babysitter:

Babysitter: "How about Tommy Boy? You love Tommy Boy."

Non P.C. Boy: "That's Gay. All of these movies are gay, and you are gay for liking them."

5. A random statement I could never agree with:

Man with Bad Taste in Comedians: "That Larry the Cable Guy sure is funny! Get-er-done!"

6. All DVD and Blu-Ray rentals are $4.00 for four days. It has been that way for over a year now, but this woman decided to complain about it to me anyway:

Cheapskate Woman: "Four dollars for a movie rental?"

Me: "Yes, it's $4.00 for four days. So really only a dollar a day."

Cheapskate Woman: "Fine! I will do it this once but I am NEVER coming back here again."

(Cut to a week later, when the same woman is renting her third movie for that week.)

Cheapskate (and now unable to follow through with a threat) Woman: "Four dollars for a rental? Are you serious? I am NEVER coming back here again!"

7. If you don't have your Blockbuster Card we can use your driver's licence to pull up your account. If you don't have either a Blockbuster Card or driver's licence, I can't pull your account up. But some people are wary of giving me their driver's licences for some reason...:

Me: "Hello, do you have your Blockbuster Card or driver's license with you today?"

Afraid I Will Steal His Identity Man: "Why do you need my drivers licence?"

Me: "Well, if you don't have your blockbuster card I need it to pull up your account."

Still Afraid I Will Steal His Identity Man: "I've never heard of that."

Me: "It's just store policy, sir."

Continually Afraid I Will Steal His Identity Man: "I will just take my business elsewhere."

8. This one gets "The Most Awkward Award." I was standing at the register when two men from the same ward ran into each other. Note - I was standing literally in the middle of this conversation:

Guy #1: "Holy crap, (Guy #2's Name Deleted) how are you?"

Guy #2: "Oh, (Guy #1's Name Deleted) I didn't see you there. I'm good! What's new?"

Guy #1: "Just returning some movies. Where is (Guy #2 wife's name deleted)? We haven't seen her around this week."

Guy #2: "She is visiting her father."

Guy #1: "(Gasp) Is he sick?"

Guy #2: "No."

Guy #1: "Is it a family function?"

Guy #2: "No."

Guy #1: "When will she be back?"

Guy #2: "...Never. She's not coming back."

(There was an excruciating pause here, I am talking about a half a minute of silence as Guy #1's eyes looked as if they would pop out of his head. For some reason this is where I decided to contribute to the conversation...)

Me: "For only $3.00 more you can get a 20 oz. soda, a box of candy, and a popcorn."

(In my panic, I decided the best thing to do while these two men and myself were trapped in what might possibly be the most awkward conversation of my life, was to up-sell candy, popcorn, and soda to Guy #2...classy...always classy.)

9. A woman had just moved into a new ward and was having trouble, so a fellow member was giving her counsel (it was sweet, really...but the word choice was poor.)

Helpful Man From Ward: "There are a lot of good people in this ward. People desperate to reach out and touch you...so please, let them touch you."

10. Finally, my personal favorite, there was a customer leaving the store who had just rented a movie...this movie...
Zalman King's Body Language








































From what I can gather on IMDB and from the gratuitous box cover, Body Language is a series revolving around a strip club aptly named, "Body Language." One review about the show says, "It features some really good nudity and simulated sex...shows full female genitalia..."
I only mention this because while the man who rented Body Language was about to exit the building, another customer from across the room called out to him:
Man Calling Out: "Hey Bishop! It's good to see you!"
Bishop Who Just Rented Soft-Core Porn: (Turns around) "Good to see you too..." (abruptly leaves the store)
(I could see someone not knowing what they just rented and mistakenly picking up something like that on accident...but, with the picture on the movie's cover, the name of the film, and the distinct description on the back of the box...I'm going to skip giving this guy the benefit of the doubt.)

So, in closing, please be aware of what you say in public settings. Because you never know who might be listening, watching, and wringing their hands together in anticipation to post your insane lack of people skills on the web.