Why Jack Bauers Life is WAY more interesting than mine!

Jack Bowers Life In One Day

Monday

12:00 A.M. - 1:00 A.M. - Jack Tranquilizes A Fellow Agent And Blackmails Him To Get The Information He Needs.

1:00 A.M. - 2:00 A.M. - Fends Off Two Snipers Then Cuts Off One Of Their Fingers To Print It.

2:00 A.M. - 3:00 A.M. - Uses Computer In His SUV To Scan The Snipers Fingerprint.

3:00 A.M. - 4:00 A.M. - Finds Encrypted Information On The Keycard

4:00 A.M. - 5:00 A.M. - Chases Down and Captures Second Sniper.

5:00 A.M. - 6:00 A.M. - Breaks Second Sniper Out Of Jail To Get More Info.

6:00 A.M. - 7:00 A.M. - Exploits The Traitor On The Team

7:00 A.M. - 8:00 A.M. - Assembles Gun For The Assassin Against His Will

8:00 A.M. - 9:00 A.M. - Stops Assassination Attempt

9:00 A.M. - 10:00 A.M. - Escapes Custody of FBI

10:00 A.M. - 11:00 A.M. - Kills a terrorist Accountant and Tourtures Man Who kidnapped His Wife.

11:00 A.M. - 12:00 P.M. - Gets re-instated until midnight to stop terrorist threat.

1:00 P.M. - 2:00 P.M. - Uses special bat shark repellent to subdue exploding shark.

2:00 P.M. - 3:00 P.M. - Writes his name in the snow with his own urine in cursive.
3:00 P.M. - 4:00 P.M. - Eats an entire box of nails and shits out a birdhouse.
4:00 P.M. - 5:00 P.M. - Kills an entire terrorist camp by himself commando style!
5:00 P.M. - 6:00 P.M. - Rescues his wife and daughter.
6:00 P.M. - 7:00 P.M. - Bare knuckle boxes a Wolverine because he was bored.
7:00 P.M. - 8:00 P.M. - Finds out there is a second CIA mole.  
8:00 P.M. - 9:00 P.M. - Exposes second CIA Mole!
9:00 P.M. - 10:00 P.M. -Kicks Ass!!!!
10:00 P.M. - 11:00 P.M. - Takes Names!!!!
11:00 P.M. - 12:00 A.M. - SAVES THE FREAKING WORLD!!!!

My Life In One Day

Monday

12:00 A.M. - 9:00 A.M. - Sleep Soundly Until A Loud Fart Wakes Me Up.

9:00 A.M. - 9:15 A.M. - Shower.

9:15 A.M. - 9:30 - Go To School.

9:30 A.M. - 10:55 A.M. - Math Class

10:55 A.M. - 11:55 A.M. - Homework

11:55 A.M. - 12:00 P.M. - Drive Home

12:00 P.M. - 12:30 P.M. - Lunch

12:30 P.M. - 1:00 P.M. - Rent The First Season Of "24"

1:00 P.M. - 1:15 P.M. - Realize That I Could Have Watched The First Season For Free Online...Sulk For 15 Mins.

1:15 P.M. - 5:15 P.M. - Watch First Disc of "24" Season 1.

5:15 P.M. - 5:45 P.M. - Dinner (microwaved Chicken Alfredo)

5:45 P.M. - 6:00 P.M. - Contemplate becoming a CIA spy like my new Hero Jack Bauer.

6:00 P.M. - 7:00 P.M. - Practice Counterterrorism tactics and Hand to Hand Combat.

7:00 P.M. - 7:30 P.M. - Give up on dreams of becoming CIA spy and watch The Simpsons instead.

7:30 P.M. - 8:00 P.M. - Inexplicably start crying when a touching Geico commercial comes on.

8:00 P.M. - 9:00 P.M. - Watch the Tivo of the B.Y.U. Vs. T.C.U. game and realize why I don't like putting hope into a football team.

9:00 P.M. -  9:30 P.M. - Second dinner (Microwavable Lean Cuisine)

9:30 P.M. - 11:00 P.M. - Brush up on my hand eye coordination by playing endless hours of violent video games.

11:00 P.M. - 12:00 A.M. -  Asleep in a banana chair still holding video game controller after having passed out in my own sweat, tears and shame.

So in conclusion don't watch the riveting series "24" because you will realize what a spinning vacuous void your life has become.

Thank you,

Neil Hiatt

30 Sad & Puzzling Facts About Me & Life in General

30 Sad & Puzzling Facts About Me & Life in General

1. Without Myspace or Facebook I wouldn’t remember anyone’s names, birthdays or sexual orientation. (It’s true and it’s not that I don’t love and respect you…I just don’t love and respect you enough to remember your birthday…sorry).

2. People are only nice on Holidays and even then it’s so you can get nice shit.

3.Every year, I draw closer to the realization that I will never grow proper facial hair. It has become apparent that the only cheeks on me where hair will grow are not the good kind like I want. I can only grow a thin mustache (which is reserved only for child molesters and our culturally strong friends from across the border) and “scruff” under my chin as well as on my neck…like a testosterone injected female body builder.

4. Dumb people will always have higher paying jobs than me.

5. “Mormon Movies” are basically poorly made exploitation films. Like Blacula and Coffee before them; we are now about a stones throw away from “Mormon Dracula” or “Zombies & Zoobies”* * - Zombies & Zoobies Trademarked by Michelle Flowers and Erin Seaward.

6. We go to years of college only to get a substandard paying job with little or no escape. (Keep sweeping up those floors Dr. so and so).

7. Sometimes I think I am dying when really everything is okay.

8. I am very judgmental. Not the greatest fact but I don’t judge based on outward appearance and status. I judge based upon people’s actions.

9. I hold a grudge for a long period of time. (I believe that you should trust and respect everyone with the same respect you want, that is until they give you a reason not to trust or respect them).

10. I go to Utah Valley University (Formerly UVSC) and the big Joke at BYU is to call UVU, “Utah Valley High School”. When I used to book comedy for UVSC events and dances over three-fourths of the audience that showed up was from BYU, grossly outnumbering the UVU students. So, if UVU is being compared to a high school and over half of the people who show up for our events is from BYU, what does that make BYU? That means BYU is like that creepy guy who graduated from high school but keeps coming back to hang out in the parking lot and scam for barely legal trim. You know, the guy who thinks he’s is really cool but in reality is just a pompous douche bag? Yeah, BYU? Don’t be that guy.

11. God put Assholes on the earth for one reason and one reason only, to have something to compare our lives to. Someone who we can say, “Man, no matter how bad my life gets…at least I’m not that guy.”

12. I love Mi Rancherito and Chili’s….but I hate diarrhea….conundrum?

13. BLUETOOTH! While it is an awesome breakthrough in technology…DON’T LEAVE IT IN YOUR EAR ALL DAY!!!! You are not so important that you can’t take it out while you’re eating! And if you are talking on it leave the room because you look ridiculous.

14. Dill pickles are an abomination before God and should be wiped from the face of the Earth.

15. Cats SUCK! They are cute as kittens but then they grow, shed, hack and try to suffocate you when you sleep!

16. If am having a good day and someone asks if I am okay or ornery, that in fact makes me ornery. (Their fault! If they would have just left me alone!)

17. When someone asks for my “honest opinion”…trust me, that’s the last thing they want to hear.

18. Sometimes I will say hi to people and their reaction alone makes me think they don’t like me…and these are people I have never even spoken too.

19. I hate being right about life situations, especially bad ones.

20. Fish make terrible pets, they rarely survive and they can’t fetch or protect a house.

21. Mitt Romney said he believes, “That Christ is the savior of the world and that he died for us and is the king of all mankind”… then some stupid spokeswoman turns around and comments back by saying, yes... He said all that, but he never said “I’m a Christian” so who is to say he is Christian? DUH!!!!!!!!!… Doesn’t Christian mean that you believe Christ is the savior? And isn’t that what he said?? This world is SOOO freaking stupid. And that lady… I don’t even know where to start with her ignorance.

22. I don’t vote…Sue me.

23. The woman on the wheat thins box is HOT but WAY out of my league.

24. Writers block sucks!!!!!!!!

25. Sometimes when I am walking around listening to my IPOD I keep the headphones in my ears but don’t listen to music…I do this so I can avoid actually having to talk to people. Because nothing says “Piss off” like IPOD headphones.

26. I hate it when people don’t recognize the power of the “Piss off” headphones.

27. I don't actully like having attention. Yes my personality draws attention but I would much rather sit back and watch than have people focus on me.

28. When someone is labeled as a “People Person” it just means that they communicate with others well. But the truth is most often the “People Person” or “People Personai” does not like other people and are not very well liked either.

29. I am a “People Person”.

30. My Name is Neil Spencer Hiatt and I am the only person like me I know.

Things I have made up that I wan't people to repeat as fact...

This is a social experiment!

To wake myself and everyone else up to the constant telephone game we play with all of the misinformation at home, at work, in schools, houses of god and on T.V. I have decided to start making things up...

that's right I will make up outrageous claims that could sound like the truth but in all reality are bold faced lies. My goal here is to spread most of these around and get enough people to agree with my story that it will eventually become fact...HOORAY!!!!

Here we go...

1. When they close down a zoo, if they can't find new homes for the animals they eat them.

2. The African Penguin has the ability to camouflage but because of it's colorblindness it doesn't do it.

3. I was born a woman named Sharon but my female parts made me sick so after the operation Neil Seemed like a good name.

4. I enjoy the company of most the people around me....

Top 10 Favorite Movies From My Childhood

When I was a kid there were some movies that I could watch over and over again. Some that have stood the test of time and some that have faltered into obscurity. Here I will list and give a summary of what each movie means to me.

So...

Neil Spencer Hiatt's Top 10 Favorite Movies From His Childhood

1. Back To The Future - CLASSIC! I first saw this movie when I was 3 years old. My Grandmother had a copy she had recorded from TV on VHS and I would stand in front of the Television with a ping-pong Paddle and pretend to play the Johnny B Good song Marty sang at the end. Funny, Quirky dialog and well rounded characters made this one of my top favorites. I actually hate it when people don't get the significance of 88 Miles Per Hour. They really don't make movies like this anymore, lovable characters, great script, comedy action suspense and a pretty creepy sub plot if you think about it...But either way YOU HAVE TO LOVE THIS MOVIE.
   


2. Superman 2 - I loved Superman 1 but Superman 2 is by far my favorite out of the series. General Zod and 2 other prisoners of Krypton escape when they crash land on Earth. I used to have a pair of superman pajamas and my dad would fly me around the house as superman and he would play ZOD he would even pretend that it hurt when I crushed his hand at the end of the movie. We would sit down and watch this movie ALL weekend when I would visit. I can look back and see that he probably was sick of it but every time we went to blockbuster he would let me rent it, which makes him a pretty kickass person.


3. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - I am willing to bet in the late eighties and again in the early nineties pizza sales skyrocketed and it was all because someone said "How about turtles that are mid-pubescent and are also ninjas?" My favorite was Raphael because he was a loner on the edge and because I thought it was funny when he would yell you "DAMMMN!"
   


4. The Dirt bike Kid - What do you get when you have a magic motorcycle, a local hot dog hang out that's about to be bulldozed by a corporate giant, Van Halen on the soundtrack and that kid from the Christmas story? Probably the greatest cheese ball comedy ever produced. It's about a boy who buys a dirt bike that for some reason (not explained in the movie) is magic and can fly...that's right FLY! How rad is that? If anyone has a copy of this on VHS please let me know!
   


5. Indiana Jones (1-3) Yeah I know that these are 3 separate movies but the truth is they all make up one whole part of my childhood...also it's my list so SCREW YOU! Harrison ford plays the whip toting archaeologist brainchild of George Lucas and Steven Spielberg and basically forms the epitome of all that is man.
   


6. Star Wars (4-6) The original star wars even before the special edition made up a good 3 years of my life writing short stories in my basement bedroom about my friends and I being Jedi's and having light sabers as well as speeder bikes....basically anything that hovered or made a "Woosh" sound was enough to hold my attention at that age.
   


7. Christmas Vacation - I only have one question....What the hell happened to Chevy Chase? There was the original Vacation, Christmas Vacation and Fletch and then there wasn't a whole lot else...This is a classic for my dad and I. He loves slapstick and it's probably the only National Lampoons to throw some warm family ties in along with it. Animal house is great but Christmas Vacation is the tops.
   


8. My Pet Monster - I can not find this movie ANYWHERE!!!! It's not even on amazon! This is a movie about a nerdy boy who gets transformed into a monster after staring into the eyes of a statue at the local museum. The suit was basically a glorified fur costume, like the ones they use at Disneyland. There was also a cartoon spin off that is easier to find on you tube than the actual movie.
   


9. Ghostbusters - Bill Murray replaced John Belushi when he died as the role of Peter Vankman and it has become a classic. I love the gags, the 80's special effects (including the puppets) and the theme song gets stuck in your head for days. When I was 3 years old I got a full proton pack set for my birthday, they put it in my lap and I fell over into my Grandmother's rhubarb patch...my dad has it on film and every year on my birthday he says, for example when I turned 22, "It was nineteen years ago today that you fell in the rhubarb..." But I loved this movie! My aunt took a childs sized air force jumper and sewed on the Ghostbusters symbol. I loved it so much I wore it all the time, even when we went to Lagoon and it was 115 degrees outside and refused to take it off. I remember watching it years later and cathing all of the jokes that I didn't get when I was a kid making this a nostalgic classic for me.
   


10. The Christmas Story - This one needs no explanation (considering that it is on TNT 24 hours a day all through the month of December). Suffice it to say this is probably the only thing my mother and I share as a "Common Interest" when it comes to movie appreciation.

So...that's my top ten list of movies that defined my childhood, obviously there are many, MANY more I could add such as the secret of nihm and An american tale but they wouldn't call up the memories that the ones I put up do.

So with that list being made I just have to say....They don't make them like they used to. Movies now a day are more concerned with ticket sales, special effects and pandering than making quality film from fresh ideas. When was the last time you've seen a movie that wasn't a sequel of an older movie or a re-imagining? Though Batman Begins ROCKED it still wasn't an original idea. I can't even think of the last truely original movie in a long time....and it makes me sad.

P.S. The Dark Knight is coming out in July and I couldn't be more excited!!!!

100% Man

Hey Ladies...You ever wonder what a man looks like?
What's that you say? You've never seen a real man before?
Well, search no more baby because you're looking at a real 100%, Grade A, all American come and get it M...A...N.

Be it the sophisticated pallet,

















The Restaurant Aficionado,










Or Just The Man About Town,













Yes I am a man in all the ways everyone else is not.

But do you want to know what really makes me a man?

My Gun...

That's right, my Springfield XD 9MM Hand Gun!

Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought "I don't like myself, I feel weak and useless."
Or have girls ever turned you down for dates?

Well Amigo then you are not a man....until you buy a gun!

That's right a gun can fill in all the holes that insecurity and society leave behind!

It's America's answer to all of life's problems...

Don't like yourself? Buy a gun!
Job Stressing you out? Buy a gun!
Feeling inadequate? Buy a gun!
Can't seem to please women? Buy a REALLY BIG gun!

Do you think this guy has any trouble reeling in the ladies?







I don't think so!


So now that you know what a REAL man looks like, how do you feel?

Yeah, I know, it's a lot to take in all at once...but don't be afraid.

My gun will keep you safe...

My Mortal Enemy (Or Lack There of)

In the wold of Mortal enemies, arch rivals and Villainy
Sherlock Holmes had Professor Moriarty,
Batman had The Joker,
Bart Simpson had Sideshow Bob,
and L. Ron Hubbard had God....

And what do I have? Nada...zip...zilch!

In the 22 years I have been on this earth I have yet to secure a definite "Mortal Enemy". Someone who fills the hallways of their home (or castle) with the galled and hateful cries of Neil Spencer Hiatt’s name. A person who spends his/her waking hours planning and plotting my demise. Writhing in agony with every breath I take!

I find the whole idea exciting and to be honest utterly romantic.

I bring up this topic only because you would think that after 22 years there would at least be 1 person (or hopefully a legion of persons, with a union and a cool name like "The Order of Chaos" or The Legion of Pain") who would seek me out as a nemesis...but sadly no one has yet.

I have had people who dislike me and people who fear me but no one who has really reached the rank of "Archenemy". Sadly to say there has been no wanna be enemy that I myself have found worthy. Most of the people who have tried to be my nemesis have failed to reach my high expectations for "Archvilliany" (I mean honestly I at least would like one contender who can properly speak and spell) They were either too dense or too tall....

The worst part about it is I have friends and colleagues who have Mortal Enemies

My Friend Brad Taylor
has an ever long Feud with the Wal-Mart and K-Mart Stores
and my Father Vernon Hiatt Seems to think the University of Utah is his Arch Nemesis

But, If I did have a Mortal Enemy they would have to fulfill these simple requirements

1. He/she would have to employ henchmen at their beck and call. All of which are dim witted and completely uncoordinated when it comes to hand to hand combat.
Henchmen are to be supplied by the Nemesis and given full benefits (being that the union is strong in that field).

2. The Applying Enemy has to be challenging so an extensive knowledge in engineering, psychology and if possible an endless supply of wealth or funding for evil is required.

3. The Mortal Enemy is required once a month to threaten or denounce me in public or at least make an attempt on my life and once a year unveil their "Master Plan" to take over the world in which I will foil every year. Also as a sub-clause you will be required to capture me, putting my life in peril in some contraption of sure doom only to have me escape at the last second is required.

4. They have to either be AS good looking as I am or horribly disfigured...nothing more...

5. They have to be between 5 Ft and 5 Ft 11 inches No one over 6 ft allowed.

6. Every 5 years we have to team up to thwart a new "Super criminal". We will resentfully work together in foiling this new villains plan and in the process realize that "we aren’t so different after all" and after defeating the said "Super villian" we will continue our hatred for each other while holding a silent new found
respect for one another.

7. When it comes to your death it HAS to be dramatic. Also if we want to work in a subplot of where it appears that I die while defeating you only to rise a year later under a new name and living a quiet simpler life that scenario could be arranged as well.

8. I have all rights to woo and seduce any and all Attractive Female henchmen/mistresses/concubines you may have but not the other way around.

9. All merchandising, trademarks, and likeness will be held by myself and all profits as well.

10. You have to have a cool name. If you don’t have one we can supply you with one such as Professor Killgore, Dr. Ambersythe, or Commander Torment.

Well I hope this all goes well and that I can find my Mortal Enemy Soon.

- Neil

Where are the good parodies?

Young Frankenstein, Blazing Saddles, Space Balls, The Naked Gun, Life of Brian...MEL BROOKS and MONTY FREAKING PYTHON!!!! What happened to decent film parody? Where there was well developed story, characters and jokes that require impeccable timing and WRITING?

I know this may seem a little out of context to other things I write about but this requires some thought.

Today I saw a preview for a, well I guess you could call it a "movie" that is coming out called "Meet the Spartans"...are you kidding me?
The brilliantly written tag line read, "From the people who brought you Date Movie and Epic Movie..."
They might as well have put, "From the people who shit in a bag to find out how many people will buy tickets to see this" on the poster and I could stand outside the theatre and get my moneys worth laughing at all of you slack jawed, popped collared, tilted hat, yuppie, frat boy dickwads who line up to go see it. Hell I'd even bring popcorn.
And what the hell are we making now? There are no jokes, there is no real parody, all they do is take scenes from popular movies send them through a shredder and then tape what's left over and film a BAD movie! The jokes are hackney and forced and you have no respect for anyone involved. I'm not saying parody is the mother of all movies, that's not the case at all it's just that there was a day when the genre was actually funny and well made but now....I weep when I hear about the next parody movie that is coming out.
The funny thing is some of you people out there are saying "Man, I thought that looked funny and Epic Movie was hilarious!"
And if you are saying that then I want you to do me a favor...Go into the kitchen, open up the cupboard under the sink, pull out the drano and take a long hard swig because it's YOUR fault this shit is being made in the first place. Every time you buy a ticket or god forbid rent the video you are telling the makers of the film that people actually want this kind of crap...same goes for bad superhero movies coming out (I liked Batman Begins and 2 of the three Spiderman movies but ever since they announced Ghost Rider 2 I have given up all hope for the theatre).

Look I know we are in a writers strike but come on...Meet the Spartans....Really? That's the best we can do?

I challenge anyone out there to make a better movie. Hell give me a home video camera, some editing equipment and a month and I swear to the almighty that I could make a 10 minute comedy that would flatten all two hours of Epic Movie, Date Movie, Meet The Spartans and fucking star wars 3 (a parody in and of itself)'s balls! Hell you or my 2 year old nephew could make a better movie.

So please...I am acually begging you...please don't support this crap and if you really want to see it? It will be out on cable REALLY soon...TRUST ME.

Goodnight,

Neil