The Mountain Goats

There comes a time in your life when you stumble upon something that rings so eerily true to your life it's frightening.

That is how I felt listening to The Mountain Goats for the first time.

The Mountain Goats consists of singer-songwriter John Darnielle, bassist Peter Hughes, and drummer Jon Wurster, with Darnielle acting as lead singer, guitarist, writer, composer, and pianist.

Behind the upbeat tempo and melody lie John Darnielle's hauntingly poetic lyrics, telling stories of love, loss, child abuse, and just getting the Hell out of where you are.

My first experience with The Mountain Goats was the song "No Children," an unflinching narrative on divorce and saying exactly what the couple is feeling.

(No Children from the album Tallahassee)

It was these painfully honest lyrics that drew me to The Mountain Goats, but it's not just the angst ridden songs that kept me interested.

Take these two songs for example...

Song 1

(San Bernardino from the album Heretic Pride)

San Bernardino is about a young, unmarried, pregnant couple who delivers their baby in a hotel room off of the interstate. Even though no one believes in them, they believe in each other.

Song 2

(Woke Up New from the album Get Lonely)

Woke Up New is song about overcoming fear and moving on after a separation. In my mind, this song is what the characters from No Children thought the day after the other was gone. (Note: the music video posted above was directed by Rian Johnson of Brick and The Brothers Bloom Fame. Sorry about the bad quality, though...YouTube troubles.)

It is with great respect that I add John Darnielle to the list of people I admire.

It's his ability to take his life experiences and then say more in two minutes than most musicians could say in twenty albums. More than that, he puts on one hell of a live show.

I know this because I saw The Mountain Goats perform last night at The Urban Lounge.

(Note: while The Urban Lounge has great sound and a close proximity to the musicians, there were a SHIT-LOAD of people who thought it would be appropriate to carry on loud conversations throughout The Mountain Goats' set...MAJOR FAUX PAS!)

Erin and I went with our friends Brad, Libby, and Joel (short for Joelbert.)

The show got off to a late start (doors opened at nine...opening band went on at 10:00 P.M.) with the opening band The Beets from Queens, New York. The Beets reminded me of a cross between Ween and Daniel Johnston but with tighter pants and less artistic credibility, but nevertheless they put on a decent show.

After a short break, a sudden blast of Iron Maiden came through the speakers signaling The Mountain Goats to the stage.

Throughout the night they played a wide range of their popular songs as well as some new ones. Sometimes full band, sometimes just John Darnielle, and at one point he even came out into the audience and screamed his lyrics into Joel's, Erin's, and Libby's faces (what showmanship!) Coupled together with the stories shared by Mr. Darnielle, it was a spectacular concert and a great experience to see one of my idols in action.

He explained how he even recorded a song from his recent album in Salt Lake City. He had the idea for it on the tour bus while reading the Bible and watching Italian horror movies simultaneously, and once they pulled into Salt Lake they dropped into a studio and recorded a demo.

At the end of the night he took the time to sign autographs, and I was glad to see how down to Earth he was, especially since he has fans in higher places than Utah.

Namely, Stephen Colbert and his patented Colbert Bump.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
John Darnielle
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Fox News

"Is that all you've got old man? As you shake your fist at God."

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The Mountain Goats - Psalms 40:2
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Fox News

All-in-all it was a fantastic night filled with music, friends, and autographs...

Next concert...BEN FOLDS WITH THE UTAH SYMPHONY!!!!

Top 10 TV Shows From Across The Ocean!

Television, idiot-box, boob tube, TV, telly, baby-sitter.

It's the reason we set our Tivo. Hell, it's the reason we even have Tivo.

Television is the best friend of the American middle class.

Fun Fact: At one point in time Television sets would emit enough radiation to be picked up on a Geiger counter.

But, some of us are limited to only what we are shown here in these United States.

Fun Fact: Television shows are also made in the United Kingdom. In fact, a lot of the shows we have here in America are remakes of U.K. shows. Not to mention the censorship in the U.K. is a lot more relaxed than it is here in America.

So, here is my list of Awesome Telly shows from the U.K.

Neil Hiatt's List Of 10 Awesome U.K. Television Shows

1. Spaced

Written by Simon Pegg and Jessica Hynes, and directed by Edgar wright.

Here is a clip from Spaced where Tim is ranting about Star Wars: Episode I.

Before there was Hot Fuzz and Shaun of The Dead, there was Spaced.

Spaced follows the adventures of Tim and Daisy, who rent a flat under the pretenses that they are a couple. I know that sounds cliché, but honestly that plot point is hardly brought up in the show. Spaced is an homage to several pop-culture mash ups, including, but not limited to, Star Wars, Goodfellas, Pulp Fiction, Star Trek, and Dawn of The Dead , just to name a few. The show is littered with interesting characters like Marsha the alcoholic landlady, Brian the troubled artist, Twist (Daisy's best friend), and Mike the gun-crazy best friend. Between clever writing and stellar perfromances from the cast, Spaced makes it very high on my must see U.K. TV list.

2. The I.T. Crowd

Here is a clip from I.T. Crowd Spoofing Anti-Piracy Ads.

The I.T. Crowd is a show about two computer nerds working in the Information Technologies basement of the spurious Reynholm Industries. Their boss, Jen Barber, is computer illiterate but holds the whole group together. I typically don't like "taped in front of a studio audience" TV shows, but this one has gags in top form.

3. The Office (U.K.)

A Clip from the U.K. Office (Jim is Tim in this version and Dwight is Gareth.)

No, I am not one of those people who thinks the British version is better than the American version and vice versa. But you have to respect where the American version comes from. Thank you, Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant, for creating this masterpiece.

4. Garth Marenghi's Dark Place

A clip from Garth Marenghi's Dark Place (the bad dialogue, acting, and editing is intentional.)

Now here is a show that was WAY ahead of its time.

Garth Marenghi's Dark Place is a spoof TV series about an unearthed '80s horror TV show, complete with intentional poor production values, awful dialogue, bad acting, and hilarious violence. The series is set in a hospital in Romford, which is situated over the gates of Hell.

5. Fawlty Towers

A Portion of John Cleese's Fawlty Towers.

Fawlty Towers is a television show created by John Cleese and his now ex-wife Connie Booth. Post-Monty Python, Fawlty Towers is a show about hotel owner Basil Fawlty's incompetence, short fuse, and arrogance, and how they form a combination that ensures that accidents and trouble are never far away.

6. Mr. Bean

Clip of Mr. Bean painting his house.

I watched this show on those late nights I couldn't sleep. It ran on PBS after Red Dwarf and Monty Python's Flying Circus. A hilarious show of ingenuity and very little brain power, Mr. Bean is about a man named Mr. Bean with a child-like nature. When faced with life's problems, he'll always be sure to come up with something inventive to assist him. Starring the ever-funny Rowan Atkinson.

7. Red Dwarf

The ship's robot goes through Psych counseling.

A show about the adventures of the last human being alive and his friends, stranded three million years into deep space on the mining ship Red Dwarf.

8. Monty Python's Flying Circus

My Favorite Monty Python sketch Upper-class Twit of The Year.

Before the Holy Grail there was the Flying Circus. The original surreal sketch comedy showcase for the Monty Python troupe.

9. The Thin Blue Line

Funny moments from The Thin Blue Line.

Another Rowan Atkinson show, The Thin Blue Line involves various mishaps at a police station in an English hamlet. The main character is the anachronistic yet charming and funny Inspector Fowler. As a foil to Fowler, Inspector Grim is a bumbling, seething idiot.

10. The Black Adder

Funny moments from The Black Adder.

Finally, and, of course, another Rowan Atkinson-created show (co-created with Richard Curtis of Love Actually fame). Black Adder is about how Prince Edmund, a.k.a. the Black Adder, constantly schemes to take the crown from his father and brother with the help of Lord Percy and Baldrick.

There you have it, folks. The tip-top from the Brit-top.

Happy Watching,

Neil Hiatt

Fun With Photoshop...Some Old, Some New!

Here is a recent quote from my girlfriend, Erin, "Your school [UVU] has released a strange evil on the world by teaching you Photoshop."

So, behold my wrath!
(Some of these you might have seen before, but I don't care, it's my work...enjoy.)

(Jesus With The Stars)

I created this one for my post about Buzz Aldrin on Dancing With The Stars.

(Paddy O'Diddy)

My sister McCall wrote that she "did an Irish ditty." I created this and asked her if she was sure it wasn't an "Irish Diddy."

(B.Y.U To The Future)

An idea I had when realizing how backwards some of the people at B.Y.U. are.

(Thomas The Tank Engine Gets Tricked Out)

I saw this video case when my sister McCall was watching it with her son, so I made some additions.

(The Holy Trinity)

Created for my Digital Media class.

There are several crazy ideas bouncing around in my head, and I hope one day to dedicate an entire post of new Photoshop evils...but for now, these should suffice.

Children: What A Bunch of Bastards

Well, I guess we should make it official.

It is June 11th, 2010

11:47 P.M.

48 Degrees, partly cloudy...and I hate children.

To clarify, when I say, "I hate children" that's not to imply that I want any harm to come upon them. I just dislike everything about them.

The thing I dislike the most about children is how everyone expects me to want one (or, in some cases, eleven). It's as if they want me to come to this decision like I would a lunch order: "Let's see, I'll have the eggs Benedict with a side of bacon, oh, and a bundle of children please. Thank you."

Every wedding, funeral, birthday, arbor day, etc., I run into family members with dozens of screaming, crying, crawling tots, and all they can talk about is how they can't wait to have more. The bags under their eyes are dark and seething with loss, their bank accounts drained, speech slurred, and pride stripped from them with every children's DVD set on repeat...my God, it sounds like a gas! No matter how mute I tend to stay on the subject it always comes around the room to me, where I am asked, "I bet you can't wait to be a parent, right? How many children do you want?"

And it is without any sarcasm or smug satisfaction that I answer, "Well...none, really."

The gasps are always audible...

They light the fires, grab their pitchforks, and fall upon me like an ocean of self-righteousness.

"How could you not want children? Children are beautiful and loving gifts from God! You must be crazy!" This usually comes after I have sat back and watched them scream at their own children to behave for the last ten hours. "Come back here! Now! I will count to three, and then you will be sorry! One...Two...Two and a half...I'm serious here! Get that out of your mouth, now!" They shout, their voices hoarse and falling on deaf ears as the child bolts around like a sugar-fueled animal.

Always screaming, wailing, and gnashing their teeth, the children will pick up and hurl anything they can put their tiny hands on.

It isn't until after, out of sheer exhaustion, the child passes out into a coma-like slumber that the parent finally says, "Isn't he/she precious? Look at him/her sleeping."

What was that? Your child is only precious to you when it's motionless, quiet, has a slowed heart beat and shallow breath, and is mimicking DEATH?

What does that say about your miniature bundle of God's love?

You have to understand here that I don't think people who have children are stupid. Nor do I think that wanting children is a bad thing either, so please stop loading your guns, and put the restraining orders on back burner.

If you choose to have children, then MORE POWER TO YOU! Hell, for every child I don't have, you can have five. How does that sound? Pretty darn good to me!

Also, I am not writing this post about any one child in particular. Trust me, my antagonism towards children is all encompassing. Be you relative, acquaintance, or one of the many children running around Walmart bumping into everyone like you own the fuc$ing place.

Now, I can guess what you are thinking here: "Neil, children aren't all bad. Yes, they are obstinate for a few years, but then they are sweet as kittens."

So let me get this straight, after they are four, they turn into docile cuteness factories? Pumping out rainbows and sunshine kisses from their asses?

But what about when they hit those years? You know which ones I am talking about, around age 12 for boys and as early as 6 or 7 for girls...puberty!

Well, I'll tell you what happens, your rainbow-shitting progeny turns on you!

Your young adults will be well on their way to becoming self-absorbed and foaming at the mouth over everything you do. So it's just a matter of time before Mommy and Daddy's little angel murders you for taking away their video games, murders you for making them do chores, stops talking to you, or puts you in a nursing home.

You want to know what the strangest part of all of this is?

I am fantastic with kids...seriously!

It's proof that God has a sense of humor.

It's true. At family vacations I am usually the one who finds games for the kids to play, or calms down my cousins' children by making them laugh. Every time Erin and I go to a restaurant there is always some kid who ends up poking his head over the seat to play peek-a-boo with me, laughing the whole time. Hell, I went over to a friend's house recently and some kid I have never met before gave me a picture he drew. Even stranger is that this kid, apparently, never talks to anyone he doesn't know, except for me.

Yet, even with my powers of child-wrangling awesomeness, I still can't drudge up the desire to ever spawn one.

I guess you could split this one however you'd like. Some will flippantly call me bitter (I'd say honest), some might call me disturbed (I'd say realist), and others might agree (If so, thank you). But the important thing to take from this, as is with anything I write on my PERSONAL BLOG, is that it is my opinion. If it doesn't align with your sensibilities, then by all means disagree, or, better yet, stop reading. I honestly couldn't care less.

I will leave you with the wise advice of Patton Oswalt: "My wife and I will have an imaginary baby and name it 12 hours of sleep a night."

Thank you,

Neil Hiatt

High School

"True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country." - Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

Not long ago, I was having a discussion with my step-brothers (to save their embarrassment, I will not disclose their names). Let's call them Jake and Zack C.

Wait, that's too obvious...how about J & Z Corbett? Yes, that will do just fine. (For the record, I know that is a Simpsons joke.)

J, Z, and I were having a discussion about college.

(No, not Jay-Z the rapper, smart ass.)

We started off in typical fashion, jawing over class schedules, professors, and academic degrees in general when I brought up the point that I love college infinitely more than high school. My hatred for all things high school couldn't even be measured.

Growing up in Payson, Utah, I wasn't afforded the best learning environment.

Between teachers who were arrested for drug possession, foreign exchange students who made a terrorist video tape after 9/11, teachers sleeping with students (I graduated with this one), firearms at basketball games, and an overall attitude of "I don't give a shit" from 95% of my teachers, it was hard to really like my high school. I had educators who would put in a video and then fall asleep in their offices. It's cute for one day, but how many times can you really get a "message" from watching The Great Gatsby?

Anyway, I was surprised to find that my comment about hating high school was only met with an awkward silence. Z shuffled his feet for a moment and then sputtered, "I...I liked high school."
"Yeah," J added. "Me too. I wish I could go back there."

Z agreed to this statement by nodding with extreme approval.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is where my mind exploded...
















(Much like this)

They actually WANTED to go back to high school?

"Why?" I scoffed through my remaining neck hole.
"Well, you know..." Z stated, apparently not hearing my scoff.

"It was fun. All of your friends were there and you could just hang out," J offered.

This is where I stopped the conversation. I couldn't--and still can't--believe that people pine over something as trivial as HIGH SCHOOL.

When I was in high school, I couldn't wait to get out! I had a lot of friends who were in high school with me, but I still didn't want to spend my days in what could be called a glorified day care center.

Remember how important everything seemed in high school? Every stupid little squabble over who had nicer clothes or more friends? Remember how you felt when you realized none of it was important? I was 14 when I realized that fact...and that's probably what I hated the most. It was fake, a sham. High school is the snake oil salesman of importance.

The more I thought about why anyone would want to "relive" high school, the closer I came to the realization that high school was probably all these people had to begin with.

It's the people who, after graduating, come back the next year and hang out in the parking lot or talk about how awesome they were in high school.

No offense to J or Z, (or to Jay-Z) it's just that they seem to have really defined themselves by who they were in high school. It seems, at least to them, that high school was the peak of their popularity and self-importance. They look back on those days as the best of their lives...but what does that make their present?

Fortunately, that's not the way I see the world. I had great experiences in high school...but I still wouldn't want to go back and relive my "glory days." I would prefer to push forward and create new memories, new experiences, and meet new friends. I can leave the conceded drama of high school behind me and be content in what happens now.

Once again, I love my family members to death...but let high school go because it sure as hell has let go of you.

For My Sister

There is a war going on in the workplace...
A war between employers and social networking sites.

Recently my sister Brittney has become a casualty of that war.
Her office has blocked off social networking sites such as myspace and facebook, leaving her to toil away at her job instead of updating her status and playing farmville like God intended.

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel my beloved sister!
They haven't blocked off BLOGS!

So I give you this gift to keep your mind from exploding at work...I give you...PAC-MAN!



Arcade Games
Enjoy!

From Your Loving Brother,

Neil

So Many Crazy People...So Little Patience

A friend of mine, Spencer King, posted on Facebook the other day a very disturbing video.
It was of a young "stand-up comic" by the name of Nick Madson, headlining a local club.

Here it is (Warning: Explicit Content)

The disturbing part of said video is that none of those jokes are his own. They were stolen word for word from great comics such as Patton Oswalt, Dave Attell, Maria Bamford, and Richard Jeni to name a few (the last comic, Richard Jeni, tragically passed away in 2007).

Patton Oswalt exposed the charlatan in a two-part blog series here, Part one, and here, part two.

Apparently, Nick had written an "apology" letter to Patton Oswalt stating that the show was a benefit show for a struggling theatre and that he only used those acts because he was a last-minute add-on to the show and didn't have his own material...all of that would have been understandable, if any of it were true...which it wasn't.

In part two of Patton's blog, he researched Nick's supposed fundraiser story by calling the opening acts for the show and emailing the club itself. Everyone responded with a resounding BULL-SHIT!

Come to find out Nick Madson had been paid by the club, as a headliner, and had told everyone and I am quoting from Mr. Oswalt's blog here, "He [Nick] claims to have been a guest on Tough Crowd With Colin Quinn, and to be one of Comedy Central's 100 Greatest Comedians, and to be filming a one-hour stand-up comedy special for Comedy Central in the fall, and also claims to be a writer for me [Patton Oswalt], Louis C.K., and Dave Attell."

Now this is where the story goes out of the realm of joke-stealing-upstart and into terrifying pathological liar and Sociopath.

WOW! Okay, sorry for the long intro; I just wanted to give you the example that sparked this debate within myself. I brought up the Patton Oswalt vs. Nick Madson issue to shine a bright light on the topic of Sociopaths.

A Sociopath (now more commonly known as Antisocial personality disorder) is an individual who has little or no remorse for his or her actions and will have personality traits such as pathological lying, showing "sham emotion" (much like the fake remorse shown by Nick Madson), and doing everything in their power to call attention to themselves, no matter what the cost (be it phisical or emotional manipulation), just to name a few.

According to Dr. Martha Stout's book The Sociopath Next Door , 1 in every 25 people is a possible Sociopath. A staggering number, to say the least, especially if you know a lot of people.

I, myself, knew a person who fits those exact descriptions. We were best friends from the ninth grade until I was twenty. And after six years of "friendship" it is absolutely mind boggling to think of the bullshit this guy spewed out.

For the sake of anonymity, we will not call this person by his real name. Instead, we will call him Assface McDouchetart.

Assface McDouchetart was a liar...and not your average liar who lied to keep out of trouble or save someones feelings, but a liar who did it to make his otherwise boring and non-existent personality look better.

Here are just a few examples of lies he told...

1. "I was adopted" - Not true

2. "I am 1/8th black" - Really 1/8? That's one half of 1/4...that's almost nothing...not to mention that it's not true.

3. "I'm Irish" - Really? Wow you are a genetic lottery here! Just because your STEP FATHER is Irish that doesn't make YOU Irish! My step father is German does that make me a part of the father land now?

4. "I was shot in the back with a shot gun a while back." Then, after being asked if we could see the scars, he said, "I have special skin, so it healed up..."

What the F$#K?!?!? Special skin? What are you, an X-man? There is only one person with "special skin" and it's not you...it's this guy.

5. How about the time he told everyone he went on tour with my band as its "merch boy," when, in fact, he stayed home while I went on tour.

6. How about when he started talking in a Chicago accent when the band I was touring with from Chicago was here? How about when he started talking in Ebonics whenever someone who was black was around?

7. Also, he told people that he was in the Russian drug trade. - Jesus Christ, seriously? The Russian drug trade...in Utah? Doesn't seem like the most marketable place for Russians to traffic...I could have believed a cartel or something, considering our distance from the border...but Russians? Well, Sarah Palin, how far are the Russians from your house in Utah?

8. Here is the big one...he told everyone that he had a tumor and that the doctor said he had one year to live? He borrowed money from his friends for "medical expenses" and would go into "seizures" whenever he didn't get his way? And when that year had come up, he was fine. Then, he said that his tumor "comes and goes." Well, here is a medical fact...tumors...DON'T JUST COME AND GO! That would be a FUC$ING MIRACLE!

These are just a few of the lies ONE PERSON told. And what shocks me the most is even after he was caught LYING ABOUT A TUMOR! Most of his friends still stuck around...insecurity at its finest.