Fun With Photoshop...Some Old, Some New!

Here is a recent quote from my girlfriend, Erin, "Your school [UVU] has released a strange evil on the world by teaching you Photoshop."

So, behold my wrath!
(Some of these you might have seen before, but I don't care, it's my work...enjoy.)

(Jesus With The Stars)

I created this one for my post about Buzz Aldrin on Dancing With The Stars.

(Paddy O'Diddy)

My sister McCall wrote that she "did an Irish ditty." I created this and asked her if she was sure it wasn't an "Irish Diddy."

(B.Y.U To The Future)

An idea I had when realizing how backwards some of the people at B.Y.U. are.

(Thomas The Tank Engine Gets Tricked Out)

I saw this video case when my sister McCall was watching it with her son, so I made some additions.

(The Holy Trinity)

Created for my Digital Media class.

There are several crazy ideas bouncing around in my head, and I hope one day to dedicate an entire post of new Photoshop evils...but for now, these should suffice.

Children: What A Bunch of Bastards

Well, I guess we should make it official.

It is June 11th, 2010

11:47 P.M.

48 Degrees, partly cloudy...and I hate children.

To clarify, when I say, "I hate children" that's not to imply that I want any harm to come upon them. I just dislike everything about them.

The thing I dislike the most about children is how everyone expects me to want one (or, in some cases, eleven). It's as if they want me to come to this decision like I would a lunch order: "Let's see, I'll have the eggs Benedict with a side of bacon, oh, and a bundle of children please. Thank you."

Every wedding, funeral, birthday, arbor day, etc., I run into family members with dozens of screaming, crying, crawling tots, and all they can talk about is how they can't wait to have more. The bags under their eyes are dark and seething with loss, their bank accounts drained, speech slurred, and pride stripped from them with every children's DVD set on repeat...my God, it sounds like a gas! No matter how mute I tend to stay on the subject it always comes around the room to me, where I am asked, "I bet you can't wait to be a parent, right? How many children do you want?"

And it is without any sarcasm or smug satisfaction that I answer, "Well...none, really."

The gasps are always audible...

They light the fires, grab their pitchforks, and fall upon me like an ocean of self-righteousness.

"How could you not want children? Children are beautiful and loving gifts from God! You must be crazy!" This usually comes after I have sat back and watched them scream at their own children to behave for the last ten hours. "Come back here! Now! I will count to three, and then you will be sorry! One...Two...Two and a half...I'm serious here! Get that out of your mouth, now!" They shout, their voices hoarse and falling on deaf ears as the child bolts around like a sugar-fueled animal.

Always screaming, wailing, and gnashing their teeth, the children will pick up and hurl anything they can put their tiny hands on.

It isn't until after, out of sheer exhaustion, the child passes out into a coma-like slumber that the parent finally says, "Isn't he/she precious? Look at him/her sleeping."

What was that? Your child is only precious to you when it's motionless, quiet, has a slowed heart beat and shallow breath, and is mimicking DEATH?

What does that say about your miniature bundle of God's love?

You have to understand here that I don't think people who have children are stupid. Nor do I think that wanting children is a bad thing either, so please stop loading your guns, and put the restraining orders on back burner.

If you choose to have children, then MORE POWER TO YOU! Hell, for every child I don't have, you can have five. How does that sound? Pretty darn good to me!

Also, I am not writing this post about any one child in particular. Trust me, my antagonism towards children is all encompassing. Be you relative, acquaintance, or one of the many children running around Walmart bumping into everyone like you own the fuc$ing place.

Now, I can guess what you are thinking here: "Neil, children aren't all bad. Yes, they are obstinate for a few years, but then they are sweet as kittens."

So let me get this straight, after they are four, they turn into docile cuteness factories? Pumping out rainbows and sunshine kisses from their asses?

But what about when they hit those years? You know which ones I am talking about, around age 12 for boys and as early as 6 or 7 for girls...puberty!

Well, I'll tell you what happens, your rainbow-shitting progeny turns on you!

Your young adults will be well on their way to becoming self-absorbed and foaming at the mouth over everything you do. So it's just a matter of time before Mommy and Daddy's little angel murders you for taking away their video games, murders you for making them do chores, stops talking to you, or puts you in a nursing home.

You want to know what the strangest part of all of this is?

I am fantastic with kids...seriously!

It's proof that God has a sense of humor.

It's true. At family vacations I am usually the one who finds games for the kids to play, or calms down my cousins' children by making them laugh. Every time Erin and I go to a restaurant there is always some kid who ends up poking his head over the seat to play peek-a-boo with me, laughing the whole time. Hell, I went over to a friend's house recently and some kid I have never met before gave me a picture he drew. Even stranger is that this kid, apparently, never talks to anyone he doesn't know, except for me.

Yet, even with my powers of child-wrangling awesomeness, I still can't drudge up the desire to ever spawn one.

I guess you could split this one however you'd like. Some will flippantly call me bitter (I'd say honest), some might call me disturbed (I'd say realist), and others might agree (If so, thank you). But the important thing to take from this, as is with anything I write on my PERSONAL BLOG, is that it is my opinion. If it doesn't align with your sensibilities, then by all means disagree, or, better yet, stop reading. I honestly couldn't care less.

I will leave you with the wise advice of Patton Oswalt: "My wife and I will have an imaginary baby and name it 12 hours of sleep a night."

Thank you,

Neil Hiatt

High School

"True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country." - Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

Not long ago, I was having a discussion with my step-brothers (to save their embarrassment, I will not disclose their names). Let's call them Jake and Zack C.

Wait, that's too obvious...how about J & Z Corbett? Yes, that will do just fine. (For the record, I know that is a Simpsons joke.)

J, Z, and I were having a discussion about college.

(No, not Jay-Z the rapper, smart ass.)

We started off in typical fashion, jawing over class schedules, professors, and academic degrees in general when I brought up the point that I love college infinitely more than high school. My hatred for all things high school couldn't even be measured.

Growing up in Payson, Utah, I wasn't afforded the best learning environment.

Between teachers who were arrested for drug possession, foreign exchange students who made a terrorist video tape after 9/11, teachers sleeping with students (I graduated with this one), firearms at basketball games, and an overall attitude of "I don't give a shit" from 95% of my teachers, it was hard to really like my high school. I had educators who would put in a video and then fall asleep in their offices. It's cute for one day, but how many times can you really get a "message" from watching The Great Gatsby?

Anyway, I was surprised to find that my comment about hating high school was only met with an awkward silence. Z shuffled his feet for a moment and then sputtered, "I...I liked high school."
"Yeah," J added. "Me too. I wish I could go back there."

Z agreed to this statement by nodding with extreme approval.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is where my mind exploded...
















(Much like this)

They actually WANTED to go back to high school?

"Why?" I scoffed through my remaining neck hole.
"Well, you know..." Z stated, apparently not hearing my scoff.

"It was fun. All of your friends were there and you could just hang out," J offered.

This is where I stopped the conversation. I couldn't--and still can't--believe that people pine over something as trivial as HIGH SCHOOL.

When I was in high school, I couldn't wait to get out! I had a lot of friends who were in high school with me, but I still didn't want to spend my days in what could be called a glorified day care center.

Remember how important everything seemed in high school? Every stupid little squabble over who had nicer clothes or more friends? Remember how you felt when you realized none of it was important? I was 14 when I realized that fact...and that's probably what I hated the most. It was fake, a sham. High school is the snake oil salesman of importance.

The more I thought about why anyone would want to "relive" high school, the closer I came to the realization that high school was probably all these people had to begin with.

It's the people who, after graduating, come back the next year and hang out in the parking lot or talk about how awesome they were in high school.

No offense to J or Z, (or to Jay-Z) it's just that they seem to have really defined themselves by who they were in high school. It seems, at least to them, that high school was the peak of their popularity and self-importance. They look back on those days as the best of their lives...but what does that make their present?

Fortunately, that's not the way I see the world. I had great experiences in high school...but I still wouldn't want to go back and relive my "glory days." I would prefer to push forward and create new memories, new experiences, and meet new friends. I can leave the conceded drama of high school behind me and be content in what happens now.

Once again, I love my family members to death...but let high school go because it sure as hell has let go of you.

For My Sister

There is a war going on in the workplace...
A war between employers and social networking sites.

Recently my sister Brittney has become a casualty of that war.
Her office has blocked off social networking sites such as myspace and facebook, leaving her to toil away at her job instead of updating her status and playing farmville like God intended.

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel my beloved sister!
They haven't blocked off BLOGS!

So I give you this gift to keep your mind from exploding at work...I give you...PAC-MAN!



Arcade Games
Enjoy!

From Your Loving Brother,

Neil

So Many Crazy People...So Little Patience

A friend of mine, Spencer King, posted on Facebook the other day a very disturbing video.
It was of a young "stand-up comic" by the name of Nick Madson, headlining a local club.

Here it is (Warning: Explicit Content)

The disturbing part of said video is that none of those jokes are his own. They were stolen word for word from great comics such as Patton Oswalt, Dave Attell, Maria Bamford, and Richard Jeni to name a few (the last comic, Richard Jeni, tragically passed away in 2007).

Patton Oswalt exposed the charlatan in a two-part blog series here, Part one, and here, part two.

Apparently, Nick had written an "apology" letter to Patton Oswalt stating that the show was a benefit show for a struggling theatre and that he only used those acts because he was a last-minute add-on to the show and didn't have his own material...all of that would have been understandable, if any of it were true...which it wasn't.

In part two of Patton's blog, he researched Nick's supposed fundraiser story by calling the opening acts for the show and emailing the club itself. Everyone responded with a resounding BULL-SHIT!

Come to find out Nick Madson had been paid by the club, as a headliner, and had told everyone and I am quoting from Mr. Oswalt's blog here, "He [Nick] claims to have been a guest on Tough Crowd With Colin Quinn, and to be one of Comedy Central's 100 Greatest Comedians, and to be filming a one-hour stand-up comedy special for Comedy Central in the fall, and also claims to be a writer for me [Patton Oswalt], Louis C.K., and Dave Attell."

Now this is where the story goes out of the realm of joke-stealing-upstart and into terrifying pathological liar and Sociopath.

WOW! Okay, sorry for the long intro; I just wanted to give you the example that sparked this debate within myself. I brought up the Patton Oswalt vs. Nick Madson issue to shine a bright light on the topic of Sociopaths.

A Sociopath (now more commonly known as Antisocial personality disorder) is an individual who has little or no remorse for his or her actions and will have personality traits such as pathological lying, showing "sham emotion" (much like the fake remorse shown by Nick Madson), and doing everything in their power to call attention to themselves, no matter what the cost (be it phisical or emotional manipulation), just to name a few.

According to Dr. Martha Stout's book The Sociopath Next Door , 1 in every 25 people is a possible Sociopath. A staggering number, to say the least, especially if you know a lot of people.

I, myself, knew a person who fits those exact descriptions. We were best friends from the ninth grade until I was twenty. And after six years of "friendship" it is absolutely mind boggling to think of the bullshit this guy spewed out.

For the sake of anonymity, we will not call this person by his real name. Instead, we will call him Assface McDouchetart.

Assface McDouchetart was a liar...and not your average liar who lied to keep out of trouble or save someones feelings, but a liar who did it to make his otherwise boring and non-existent personality look better.

Here are just a few examples of lies he told...

1. "I was adopted" - Not true

2. "I am 1/8th black" - Really 1/8? That's one half of 1/4...that's almost nothing...not to mention that it's not true.

3. "I'm Irish" - Really? Wow you are a genetic lottery here! Just because your STEP FATHER is Irish that doesn't make YOU Irish! My step father is German does that make me a part of the father land now?

4. "I was shot in the back with a shot gun a while back." Then, after being asked if we could see the scars, he said, "I have special skin, so it healed up..."

What the F$#K?!?!? Special skin? What are you, an X-man? There is only one person with "special skin" and it's not you...it's this guy.

5. How about the time he told everyone he went on tour with my band as its "merch boy," when, in fact, he stayed home while I went on tour.

6. How about when he started talking in a Chicago accent when the band I was touring with from Chicago was here? How about when he started talking in Ebonics whenever someone who was black was around?

7. Also, he told people that he was in the Russian drug trade. - Jesus Christ, seriously? The Russian drug trade...in Utah? Doesn't seem like the most marketable place for Russians to traffic...I could have believed a cartel or something, considering our distance from the border...but Russians? Well, Sarah Palin, how far are the Russians from your house in Utah?

8. Here is the big one...he told everyone that he had a tumor and that the doctor said he had one year to live? He borrowed money from his friends for "medical expenses" and would go into "seizures" whenever he didn't get his way? And when that year had come up, he was fine. Then, he said that his tumor "comes and goes." Well, here is a medical fact...tumors...DON'T JUST COME AND GO! That would be a FUC$ING MIRACLE!

These are just a few of the lies ONE PERSON told. And what shocks me the most is even after he was caught LYING ABOUT A TUMOR! Most of his friends still stuck around...insecurity at its finest.

Movies That Didn't Hit Big In The Box Office...But You Really Should See!

MOVIES!
You see trailers for them, you plan weekends around them, some of you have gotten laid because of them. They are to us now what the gladiators were to the Romans in 264 BC...pure entertainment.

But every so often between the onslaught and hype of mega-budget blockbusters and sparkly Vampire garbage fluff some really great films slip right under our noses.

So here is my list, in no particular order, of movies that weren't very successful commercially but were just plain-old fun!

Neil Hiatt's List Of Ten Awesome Movies Not Many People Saw But You Should See

1. Kick-Ass

Kick-Ass is the story of a high school kid who decides he is going to become a super hero, not because of vengeance, not because he has superpowers, but because he is bored. He buys a suit and just heads out swinging.

This movie...was AWESOME! (Note: Not for anyone with delicate sensibilities.) The Hyper-Violent, fast-paced, pop atmosphere of this film sends up the comic book movie genre with a giant foot ready to Kick Ass! I know it doesn't look like much but if you go in with an open mind and just to be entertained, you most definitely will be. A great cast, caustic quick-wit writing, and some action-scene slaughter all at the hands of an 11-year-old girl makes this one of my favorite movies of 2010. It's a shame that no one really is giving it a chance in the theaters because it really deserves a great run. I am hoping word of mouth or at least a high DVD rental will boost this one up more.

2. The Lookout



Joseph Gordon-Levitt stars in the story of Chris Pratt, a once-promising high school athlete whose life is turned upside down following a tragic accident. As he tries to maintain a normal life, he takes a job as a janitor at a bank, where he ultimately finds himself caught up in a planned heist.
This movie is fan-freaking-tastic! A razor-sharp thriller with top-notch performances from Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Jeff Daniels, Isla Fisher, and Matthew Goode. I don't know how this one missed its day in the sun, but you definitely shouldn't wait another day to see it.


3. Primer



What do you get when an engineer decides to make a movie? A smart, visually strong time travel movie is what you freaking get! Primer stars, was written, directed, and produced by Shane Carruth. A former engineer and mathematician, Shane decided that he wanted to make a movie about time travel using REAL MATH. And here is the kicker...he doesn't dumb it down for the audience, so bring your quantum physics books with you and an abacus, because shit is going to get real! I will admit the acting is a little bland in some areas, but considering he made this movie himself with a handful of friends, I am cutting the guy an ass-load of slack, especially because the visual aspects are insane for a first-time director. Make sure you PAY ATTENTION through this one or you will get lost!


4. The Escapist



A dark prison escape movie from the UK, The Escapist is a character-driven treat! Damien Lewis (Life, Band of Brothers), Brian Cox (X2, The Ring, Super Troopers) and Joseph Fiennes (Flash Forward) star in this raw and edgy film. The ending is a little cliché but with the knockout performances from Brian Cox and the downright evil portrayal Damien Lewis gives, you won't even care.


5. Brick



Taking cues from such film-noir classics as The Maltese Falcon, The Big Sleep, and The Lady from Shanghai, director Rian Johnson (The Brothers Bloom) delivers a Neo-Noir masterpiece.
Brick has the workings of a pulp-crime detective story but localized within a modern Southern California high school. The dialogue is straight-up 1940s slang and delivers a quick-witted punch. With expressionistic lighting aspects and the movie's grainy filter, it pays off visually and in a big way. This is another PAY ATTENTION movie, so shut up and watch!


6. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang



A lot of you probably have never even heard of this movie and let me tell you that is a TRAVESTY! Kiss Kiss Bang Bang takes film-noir, dark comedy, and witty banter, blends it together, and then shoves it right up your ass! The movie stars a pre-Iron Man Robert Downey Jr. as Harry, a petty thief who during a botched Christmas robbery accidentally winds up in a movie audition. He is then given a screen test in Los Angeles and detective lessons from a gay detective played by Val Kilmer (Tombstone). Murder, hilarity, and severed fingers ensue as everything goes from bad to bad-ass! This movie had about a week in the theaters and then disappeared to the back shelf at Block-Buster Video. It's a shame it never got the promotion it so readily deserves because every moment in this film is F...U...N...FUN! I can understand why no one really paid attention to it though--I mean, come on, look at that trailer...it's awful! But if you can look past the terrible trailer and go see this incredible movie I promise you won't be disappointed.


7. Frailty



Actor Bill Paxton (Apollo 13, Titanic, Aliens, Twister & Big Love) directs this white-knuckle religious thriller.
The movie is about a man who confesses to an FBI agent his family's story of how his religious fanatic father's visions lead to a series of murders to destroy supposed "demons."
I have to say, I never really liked Matthew McConaughey, but in this movie he shines as a tormented (mostly shirted) son retelling the story of his murderous Zealot of a father. Bill Paxton directs with a light homage to the Hitchcock style of filmmaking by using subjective shots, low-key lighting, and getting the audience involved with the characters. The movie was in the theaters for a short while with little to no response fiscally, but I have to say, I loved every single frame of this film.


8. Kung-Pow: Enter the Fist



An absolute insane movie. Steve Oedekerk (Writer of Bruce Almighty and Nothing to Lose) digitally implants himself into an old Kung-Fu movie and re-dubs all of the dialogue himself. A screwball comedy to the 10th degree. You really have to go in with an open mind, but if you just sit back and let yourself be entertained, you will be.


9. Sunshine



Directed by Danny Boyle (28 Days Later, Slumdog Millionaire, Trainspotting) Sunshine is a science fiction thriller about a team of astronauts 50 years in the future who are sent to re-ignite the dying sun. There is something about a director like Boyle who can make the most visually stunning imagery scare the living shit out of you. Even though it boasts a fairly young cast, I never once stopped believing in the characters and their mission.


10. Bubba Ho-Tep



There just isn't a complete "Awesome Movies List" without Bruce Campbell (Evil Dead, Army of Darkness, Burn Notice). Bubba Ho-Tep is about an aging Elvis and a black man who believes the CIA has transplanted JFK's brian into his body, fighting for the souls of their fellow residents as they battle an ancient Egyptian Mummy. Yup...That is the premise of this movie...and it is FREAKING AWESOME! A low-budget, B-style horror comedy that pretty much anyone can love. Please check this out.

So there it is, my list of movies that rock but didn't get the right push for the box office results. But in my opinion...f#^k the box office results bull. These movies were awesome, and you should check them out. And if you have a movie that you feel deserves to be on the list, don't hesitate to post a comment and a link to the trailer.

Thank you,

Neil Hiatt

P.S. - For anyone who complains about how most of the movies on the list are rated R...here is something to calm your o-so-delicate sensibilities.

An Open Letter To Whoever Took My Car Keys...(WARNING EXPLICIT CONTENT)

To whom it may concern,

I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for finding my keys for me.
I accidentally left them in the computer lab, on the first day of class, when I forgot to unplug my jump drive from the computer I was using.

I hope you realize that it wasn't just MY car keys on that chain but the remote lock to my car, my house key, my girlfriend's house key, the key to my Dad's house, the key to my Dad's shop, the Pirates of The Caribbean key chain my friend Josh gave me, and a red 16 gigabyte jump drive which would have held my assignments for this semester.

Did you notice how I used the past-tense would have to end that last paragraph?
Well, that's because after you found my keys you decided NOT TO RETURN THEM! It has been four months, and you couldn't just drop them off in the lost and found?

I understand that a 16-gigabyte hard drive is a pretty awesome thing to just find lying around, and I don't even care that you STOLE that...but why didn't you drop off the rest of the keys and chain to the lost and found?

Oh, that's right because...
























Now that we have gotten that out of the way, let's get to how I really feel.

I feel sorry for you that you fulfill your probably pathetic life by taking things that do not belong to you.

I also feel hope. Hope, that you used the jump drive to upload something frivolous, like illegal pornography and that you were immediately arrested for that pornography and are now in jail, being ass-raped. Because that's what people who steal deserve...to be raped...in the ass.

I also hope this guy is your cell mate...
























Because he looks big and angry!

So, in closing, thank you again for finding my keys and reaffirming my stance that most people are thieving, soulless bastards.

Cordially,

Neil