From Walking On The Moon To Dancing Away Your Dignity

Edwin Eugene Aldrin Jr. or "Buzz," as most people know him, is a retired Air Force pilot, mechanical engineer, West Point graduate, and mother-F$#@ing Astronaut!

For those of you who don't recognize his credits, let me refresh your memory...

BOOM!!!!

THE SECOND MAN EVER TO WALK ON THE MOON!

After graduating 3rd in his class at the prestigious West Point Academy and

flying 66 missions as a Jet Fighter Pilot in the Korean War, Buzz Aldrin was eventually selected as the pilot for the Apollo 11 mission.

A life like that of Buzz Aldrin is something of a wonder. Amid space exploration and heroism he contributed significantly to an exciting new frontier and even pioneered training techniques that are still in use at NASA today. Buzz Aldrin is a man whose career and life should be studied with the respect that a hero deserves...but leave it to American Reality Television to royally fuck that up.

On Monday, March 22nd 2010 you will see an American astronaut's dignity die in a spectacular display of disco lights, sequins, and shame.

And who do we have to thank for this freak show?

The American Broadcasting Company's Dancing with the Stars.

Dancing with the Stars is ABC's crown Jewel (or cubic zirconia) for their Monday night line up and, in my opinion, a place where C- to D-list celebrities samba their way into my gag reflex.

I find it shameful that an American hero like Col. Aldrin will be forced to share a stage with the drudge of the D-list. Lab-created gems such as Pamela Anderson, Kate Gosselin (from John and Kate Plus Eight), Shannon Doherty, and Former Republican House Majority Leader (and campaign finance money launderer) Tom Delay, to name a few. (Note: Delay is not on this season but did appear on one of the seasons of Dancing with the Stars.)

The first question I asked when I heard about Col. Aldrin's appearance on this show was...why?

Come to find out it is a sad story indeed. In a recent interview with zap2it.com Col. Aldrin stated,

"Living on Air Force retirement and Social Security, I'm forced to go out and sing for my supper quite a bit...Most of the astronauts are in the business of marketing memorabilia and autographs. It's not like a football player, being paid millions and millions, and it's a shame that somebody who has gone to the moon has to do that."

I find that it is a sad commentary about our priorities that someone as intelligent and courageous as Col. Buzz Aldrin has to dance on the stage for nickels at this point in his life, while the airwaves are full of 'instant-pseudo-celebrities' such as Paris Hilton, Spencer & Heidi Pratt, the douchetards on Jersey Shore (as well as The Hills), and most 'reality' TV contestants with no talent or skill, who contribute nothing of substance to our real lives, who make millions of dollars yearly. Every minute of their pathetic lives is detailed by trash entertainment news programs, web sites, and magazines, while Col. Aldrin has reached far and beyond the call of duty than most Americans yet is pushed into this debauchery.

I want to make it clear that I do not intend to disrespect Col. Aldrin with this blog, but I find it shameful that he is being paraded across a stage like a circus monkey for our enjoyment.

I hope this isn't a new trend of taking enduring heroes and burning any remembrance of their former greatness.

Because I never want to see this...

On the other hand, I can see why Buzz would want to join the show after seeing his dance partner...

<= HOT!

BOOSH!

Commonly Used Words and/or Phrases I Can't Stand

The English language boasts approximately a quarter of a million
different words and phrases.

A lot of the words that appear in the lexicon are derived from what we consider to be our very own English,

with the most immediately recognizable forms dating all the way back to AD 1300. English "technically" comes

mostly from early Germanic, but so many other languages have crept

in and left their own stamps on our lexicon.

That's a lot of stuff to keep straight.

I feel that a rich vocabulary can open doors in social and employment circles and help build a strong foundation as a person.

But the problem with language today is two-fold.

First, the Internet, as well as text messaging, has bastardized

communication to a series of grunts and ape-like noises.

Second, most slang...is just annoying.

Here is a short list of Words and/or Phrases that irritate me and why.

1. LOL (laugh out loud) - This has replaced the word Ha or funny.

I will admit that I played along at first but it didn't take long for me to grow annoyed with the lack of words in messaging. Also, this term can be horribly deceptive. You have to trust that the person is, in fact, laughing out loud (which they rarely are). It's patronizing...

2. Replacing any word with just a letter - (Example: U instead of you, C instead of see, and K instead of OKAY!) I understand that the day-to-day life of an average human being is rough...but not rough enough to exclude vowels and consonants. The first thing I think when I see this kind of writing, "Wht up? r u rely goin to th movi tody?" is that you are either a twelve-year-old girl or an idiot...sorry.

3. Adding extra letters to words or spelling words wrong on purpose (at least I think it's on purpose) -

Example: Oh Myyyy gash! I luurrv High Skool the Musical its soooo

knot boaring! I want to see it again tomarrow!

This one baffles me. I realize that as I get older trends will surpass my understanding...but seriously...this one makes you look like

a crazy person.

4. Words/phrases that bother me in general - Bestie, BFF,

for sure!, moist, favs, you-betcha, vaycay, avant-garde,

indie, emo, za (referring to pizza), going rogue, snarky, bohemian,

hipster, frumpy, and Maverick.

I know we can't all check our grammar at all times, I use comma splices like they are going out of style...but please, PLEASE, when writing

something, please at least try!

P.S. - Sorry this post looks weird.

I am having problems with the formatting of my page.

Happy 23rd Birthday Babe! (This Is Days Late...I Am Sorry But It Takes A While For Me To Write About This)

Every March 3rd, I go for a drive.

I buckle my seat belt, plug my Ipod into my stereo, and then turn the dial to a play list marked Chelsea.

Before I can push play I put the car in gear and let the gentle pull of the tires take my car and myself down whatever road is the longest. The pavement pulls and disappears under my wheels like black taffy that has been stretched and pulled by the hands of God.

I take in every moment of silence as my thumb itches the play button, my mind quietly calculating the can of worms that would open if my thumb were to simply press down.

All the joy, sorrow, loss, and memories that would rise to the surface as they have regularly for the last five years.

William Somerset Maugham once said, "You can do anything in this world if you are prepared to take the consequences." and with the push of a button, I do just that.

As the music begins to play a wave of nostalgia envelopes me with every note and melody.

The first song on the list is "I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You" - By: Colin Hay from The Garden State Soundtrack.

The first time I heard this song I was sitting in my car with Chelsea. We had been dating for about a year and as in any relationship that goes on longer than a month the conversation was steering towards defining our relationship. She had asked me the question "How do you feel about me?" I had been shuffling through my CD's at the time (this was my pre-IPod days) pulling out the Garden State soundtrack and placing it into the player. I didn't hear her question and simply rested back into my seat, after a few seconds of silence the song began to play and she asked again, "How do you feel about me, Neil?"

I hate to say it but it took me a few moments to answer this question. If anyone knows me or my family then you would know that sharing our feelings is like wearing a sweater you got for Christmas: you try it on and it feels warm, but you never take it out of the house for others to see. I nodded my head towards the radio and said, "This song sums up everything."

She smiled and nestled her head into my chest, our breathing matched, as we sat in that comfortable silence where all things were uncertain.

I let the songs keep playing, each one attached to a memory, some good, some bad, but all more than worth it. As the songs finish out, I find myself at the Heber City Cemetery as I do every March 3rd and November 26th. Kneeling at the mis-marked gravestone (the date of her death was accidentally marked wrong) with a fist full of flowers I cry and remember my first love and my best friend.

Why I Think The T9 On My Cell Phone Hates Me.

This Is My Phone:

This Is Me Trying To Use My Phone:

I know what you are thinking, "Neil, that's you holding a book, not a cell phone."

Yeah...what's your point?

If you read my last post then you know that I hate talking on the phone. That is why I am a huge proponent of the text function on my cell phone, more specifically the T9 aspect of texting.

T9, stands for "Text on 9 keys," it is a patented predictive text technology (say that ten times fast) for cell phones, and in the last month or so my T9 has completely lost its shit!

The idea behind T9 is that when you are typing, your phone will predict the text you are going to write based off the words you use most...that is the idea...but that is not what my phone is doing. MY phone is making up words and replacing common words with nonsense.

For example:

On the left side I will write the word that I originally intended to use, and on the right side I will write what my T9 keeps changing it to.

What I wrote: = What T9 Changed It To:

The = Tif

do = 36

don't = foot

if = he

Script = Rapist

to = 86

too = Tom

So imagine my surprise when I type out a simple text to my girlfriend and it is changed into a whole new message.

Here is what the text was supposed to say:

Hey,

Do you know if we are still going to the movies today?

We don't have to if you don't want to.

Let me know before school is out so I know to buy the tickets or not.

Love you too,

Neil

What T9 Changed It To:

Hey,

36 you know he we are still going 86 Tif movies today?

We foot have 86 he you foot want 86.

Let me know before school is out so I can 86 buy Tif tickets or not.

Love you Tom,

Neil

Who in the Hell are Tom and Tif and why do their names appear before the words too and the?!?!?!

Here is another one that is potentially embarrassing:

Hey Josh,

Do you want to work on that script?

What T9 Changed It To:

Hey Josh,

36 you want 86 work on that Rapist?

Seriously? RAPIST?!?!?!?!?

I don't think it is too much to ask for a phone that doesn't need a symbologist to translate what I am trying to write?

The Samsung T819 phone is not bad for phone calls and web browsing to a very minimal amount...but its texting parameters are crap!

This is why I should buy an Iphone.

Neil Hiatt's List Of Things That Will Cause Him To Straight-Up Murder You (Figuratively Speaking Of Course)

Okay let's get right to the point!

People...are Assholes...all of them...even the good ones (yes, myself included).

I have come to terms with this fact, and although I do believe that most people generally have good intentions and try to be decent, for the most part they eventually drop reason, logic, and tact and become total dicks.

And it takes a special kind of douche bag to irritate me to the point of (possible) violence.
(Note: this post is in jest. So, NO I don't believe that violence should come before eloquent debate...work with me here.)

So I have compiled a list of attitudes/behaviors/personality types/events that piss me off in general.

With this list I will include Why It Makes Me Mad, A Rating of How Mad It Makes Me, & How I Would Dispose of These People If It Weren't Illegal.

I will rate my hatred for them using a little tool Erin and I devised.
Behold!

The Mess-You-Up-O-Meter

How The Mess-You-Up-O-Meter Works

The meter goes from left to right and the ranges are as follows:

On the left we have the "Bitch Please" rating which while low, warrants a flesh wound or at least a pummeling.

Next, we have the "Oh, No You Didn't" rating. This rating comes with a pimp slap and a few stabs to the chest.

After that there is the "Shit Just Got Real." When this rating shows up...it means shit just got real.

Fourth is the rating "Foot Up Yo Ass." It's pretty self explanatory.

Last, but certainly not least, is the "Mess You Up" rating. When this comes up on the scale it means I will straight-up murder you and send your remaining pieces across the globe.

Do you understand the rating system? GREAT!!!!

Without further interruption...

Neil Hiatt's List Of Things That Will Cause Him To Straight-Up Murder You!

1. People who complain about their circumstances...but do absolutely nothing to change them.

Recent Offenders

Most of the human race.

How It Rates

Bitch Please!

Why It Makes Me Mad
This upsets me on a few levels.

First, the offenders are always non-apologetic whiners (and yes I see the hypocrisy of complaining about people who complain but it's my blog...so suck it)! They complain about their lives, their boyfriends/girlfriends, their jobs, what movie they just saw, the quality of restaurants, etc. According to them their lives are hard and they just don't have any time for anything.

Second, about 90% of these people's problems are of their own design.
- They complain about their jobs...yet never look for any other work or ways to better their current situation. Note: If you hate your job...get another one. If that doesn't work out go back to school and better your situation...hell, join the military I don't care just SHUT UP!

- They say they don't have enough time to do the things they want but stay out incredibly late and overbook their schedules with events they could easily say NO to.

- Their Boyfriend/Girlfriend doesn't pay enough attention to them, call them enough, treat them like a king/queen, blah, blah, blah! Note: Chances are if he or she isn't the person you want now...they probably won't be later, and if they haven't changed for you yet...then they probably don't want to change and you should just MOVE ON. Also, why are you with someone you just want to change in the first place? If you want to be treated like a Queen/King then you should also be prepared for a revolution or the class warfare that comes with the crown.

- Everything is just soooooo hard for them. The slightest problem shows up and they completely SHUT DOWN and are inconsolable. Look, I understand that everybody's life is hard...but there will always be someone who has life harder than you do...for example click here and here or maybe here just to name a few.

Third, and final for this one, when these people are offered the chance to change their poor circumstances...they don't take them! When given good advice they back peddle and then downplay their problems or just flat-out refuse to make any positive steps forward. This has led me to believe that they do this purely for attention and not the good kind like you want. For these people it's easier to get negative attention and pity than actually doing something worthwhile and earning praise...but so is life I guess.

How I Would Do It
Since this one is low on the Mess-You-Up-O-Meter I would only beat them with a large tree branch and then stick the branch ends under their fingernails.

2. Blatant Homophobia and Racism.

Recent Offenders
My old scout master (racist), that guy who wouldn't walk through the door I was holding open because he was afraid someone would think he was gay (homophobia to an absurd degree), My Junior year seminary teacher (sad to say, Racism), etc.

How It Rates

Foot Up Yo Ass

Why It Makes Me Mad
This one ranks pretty high for me simply because it BAFFLES me!

How, in this day and age, can someone still feel that degree of hatred for a person based on something so superficial? I'm not saying that everyone doesn't make judgements based off generalizations...because we all do for example. But it is the intent and action that comes from those biases that can be harmful. And don't get me wrong, this isn't a slam on theology and their disagreements with homosexuality and such, I'm not even going to touch that, because even religion teaches you to be TOLERANT with views that are different than yours...so at least I can be forgiving there. But that's not what upsets me...what upsets me is the blatant hatred that is thrown out by ignorant people. Like the scout master who said,"All Martin Luther King said was 'I have a dream.' I've had plenty of dreams and no one makes a holiday about me," and skirts the entire civil rights movement based off a logical fallacy. Not to mention the abundant use of the N-word that he used after making that statement. It's that kind of unnecessary hatred that boils my blood.

How I Would Do It

I would place them in a room with the people they hate and force them to have an open and logical discussion. The sudden use of tact and reason in this person's life would cause him to have an aneurysm and die.

3. When People Give My Contact Information Out To Multi-Level Marketing Schemes And Sales Jobs.

Recent Offenders

Aarron Heywood, Credit Card Companies, Friends That Are In M.L.M.s

How It Rates

Foot Up Yo Ass

Why It Makes Me Mad

For those of you who don't know me it might surprise you to find out I HATE, HATE, H...A...T...E, talking on the phone, so when I get phone calls from people looking for me to join Pre-Paid Legal, Noni, Sales, etc., I want to grab a gun and shoot every cell phone tower on Earth.

I only bring this up because this happened recently. I ran into an old friend from high school (Aarron Heywood...sorry for using your name bro...but you gave out my number so I guess we are even now) at a local concert.

We got to talking and decided that it would be cool to get together and hang out, the possibility of motorcycle riding was brought up. So we exchanged information, I.E. my cell phone number, and then got into a conversation about what the both of us were currently doing in our lives. I told Aarron about how I was in school and just started on my major in Digital Media and Aarron told me about an insurance sales job that he had just started. I congratulated Aarron on his new job and exclaimed at how it fit his personality perfectly (He is very eloquent and great at sales). It was here that I thought this conversation would end...but to my surprise it wasn't.

About three days after speaking to Aarron I got a phone call from his boss who told me he had gotten my phone number from Aarron. He then gave me a pitch about joining Aarron's "team." Mind you, this is the exact same pitch I was giving people at my old sales job. They would build enthusiasm, pitch you the product, then take it away...it was only my experience from my last job that I saw through this and frankly, I was a little insulted. I was also driving home from a long day of filming at school and still had a screenplay due, a web site layout to compose, and I needed to watch Citizen Kane and write a paper on what I had seen...not to mention that I was incredibly pissed off to find that my personal cell phone number was given out without my consent.

Aarron, apparently, took my enthusiasm towards his new job as interest in having this job myself...which I assure you I don't. I have tried my hand at sales before and I failed miserably and have no desire to venture into the bold and brave world of sales...so it was to my fury that I was being pitched on something I wasn't interested in from someone who got my information without my knowledge.

How I Would Do It

I would take the cell phone and sim card then forcefully shove them so far up your ass you will still get full reception and clarity when someone calls you.

4. Being Condesending And/Or Unessecarily Rude To My Girlfriend

Recent Offenders

My Stepdad, Her Ex, Others

How It Rates

Mess You Up!

Why It Makes Me Mad

I kind of feel bad that I have to post this, because in all truth Erin is very capable of handling condescending jackasses herself (seriously she may be small but she can mentally, verbally, and probably physically beat the shit out of all of you.)

Really this one kind of goes without saying...but I will say it anyway just to be clear.

I don't care what you say about me, I don't care what you think about me, to be honest your opinion of me doesn't effect my sense of self worth AT ALL. Even if you think it does...it doesn't.

Let me put it this way, there are only two people in my life whose opinions I really care about. One of them is Erin and the other is dead.

So with that being said, you can say whatever you want about me, but if you try to talk down or condescend to her I will F#$king hunt you down!

How I Would Do It

I don't want to go into too much detail, but let's just say it would involve sharp objects, my fists, my feet, and only one of us coming out alive.

So, there they are. The top four things that if you do I will kill you.

Now that you know them I really hope it will never come to that.

Thank you and Goodnight.

Neil Spencer Hiatt

My Band Is Playing!

Charging Frederick is playing at Velour! Wed. February 3rd.
With A Failsafe story and Morning of the Season. Show starts at 8:00 P.M. and is $5.00 at the door.
135 North University Avenue in Provo.

1.21 Gigawatts

Disclaimer: I think BYU is a great school...however, with the "Honor Code" and the fact that most of its student body seems to be trapped in the nuclear age, Erin and I decided this would be a more appropriate logo. (Note: Erin goes to BYU.)

"Time circuits, on. Flux Capacitor...fluxing. Engine running."

"Where we're going, we don't need roads."

(Cue Allan Silvestri Music.)