Just to prove the joke is mine....

It's not that great of a joke but I had to post it somewhere so I can prove it's mine if needs be.

Shaquille O'Neal has a new TV show called "Shaq Vs." Where he challenges other athletes at their sports (E.G. Football, soccer, etc.). But to me an athlete vs. another athlete isn't much of a challenge. What they should really do is put Shaq up against something hard for him...like Shaq vs. remedial reading, Shaq vs. Child Support...or Shaq vs. the free throw.

A Real Life Bond Villain

A friend of mine from Jr. High posted a link today that I found interesting.
Here it is...

http://www.nola.com/news/index.ssf/2009/07/bill_gates_of_microsoft_envisi.html

The article talks about how Bill Gates and some of his "associates" (Henchmen would be more fitting) are building a machine that can control parts of the Ocean in order to possibly dissipate incoming hurricanes. While this device would be AMAZING and could likely save countless human lives...I can't help but be a little nervous. 
Here's why...

What do you get when you have a super-nerdy billionaire, a corner on the world's software market, a machine that controls the FREAKING OCEAN, and the overall penchant for evil?

YOU GET A JAMES BOND VILLAIN!!!!

All Mr. Gates needs is a giant menacing chair, a cat, and an evil lair built inside of a dormant volcano and he is set! I hate to rag on the guy's incredible idea, it's just that you really can't help but draw some strong parallels between Mr. Gates and a nefarious super villain.
Could you picture the poster for the Bill Gates Bond flick?

I think it would look something like this...

Bill Gates gives a whole new meaning to the name octo-"pussy."
Don't get me wrong, I love the advancement in technology but if television and movies have taught me anything it's this,

1. Billionaires only build death machines.
2. Robots with Artificial Intelligence always rise up and kill their human masters. (T1, T2, IRobot, The Matrix, & 9)
3. To go through time you must first travel 88 Miles Per Hour. (BTTF)
4. Only Pretty People are allowed to save the Earth! (See: Transformers or anything by Michael Bay)

So keep an eye out!
Thank you,

Neil Spencer Hiatt

I Thought You'd Be Taller...

Sometimes it is fun bumping into old friends...and sometimes it's not.

I was browsing the DVD's at F.Y.E. in the Provo Mall when I ran into John Wilcox, the younger brother of a friend of mine from High School. He was listlessly rummaging through the pop section when he noticed me and after a slight pause he wildly threw his hands up in the air and yelled, "NEIL! How the F$*K are you?" Which was awkward considering we were in a mall and there were at least three children by the video game section...but that was John for you.

To be honest I hate running into people I went to high school with. The reason being that if I cared about you enough to want to see you again...I would simply see you again. I would rather put energy into keeping current relationships than awkwardly stammer through conversations about how someone who I don't care abouts life is going while I desperately try to remember anything that we did when, and if, we hung out.


But, the fact was I hung out with John's older brother Anthony, and John always hung out with Anthony so that didn't really make us "friends" per say. John and my friendship consisted of me marveling at the copious amounts of energy John had, and John trying to hump my leg for a laugh...as it turns out not a lot had changed with John when I ran into him at F.Y.E.

"Hey, John. It's great to see you." I said, deciding to approach this conversation like I approach conversations with my Family...by pretending to care. "How have you been?" By the look of John's stained Ethnies shirt and dirty jeans...probably not well. "I'm in between jobs right now." John said. I hate it when people said 'in between jobs.' I understand no one wants to say I was fired or no one would hire me, but sugar coating it gets us nowhere. "I'm sorry to hear that John," I lied, "so what brings you here?" He pointed to a girl positioned behind the checkout counter, an attractive, young brunette with an affectionate smile. "She's my girlfriend." He said, winking to punctuate his sentence. "We've been living together for about three months, let me introduce her to you. I've told her all about you." He cupped his hands over his mouth and yelled in her direction. "LACEY! LACEY! Come here I want to introduce you to Neil."

Lacey smiled affectionately and headed our way. I shook her hand and introduced myself. "Hi, my name is Neil."

"This is the guy I was telling you about," John interrupted. "The funny guy who would talk to his penis." And all at once it seemed as if everyone in the store sucked the air into a single collective GASP! I could almost see the words hanging there in the silence "the guy who would talk to his penis." The silence and shock that held in entrance of the store was deafening.

To be fair to John...I did talk to my penis once, as a joke mind you, and only through my pants...it's not like I tied it to a string and had it dance around while I called it madam. But I digress.

It was Lacey who finally broke the awkward silence. She nodded her head in approval and simply said, "It's nice to finally meet you..." And then she said it, the phrase that still baffles me every time I run it through my head, she fixed her eyes on mine and simply stated, "I thought you would be taller." Then turned on her heels and walked back to the front desk to help more customers.

I stood there for a moment and rolled her words back and forth across my mind, as if they were a game of shuffle board being played during a hurricane. Sad to say the first thing that popped in my mind when she said it was, 'what the hell has John been telling her?' Did he just come home from work and say, "You should meet my friend Neil. He holds a ventriloquist conversation with his private parts and gives it a shoddy British accent...also he is ten feet tall and crushes cities with his every step, you will love him!"

What confuses me the most about the situation was that she was so disappointed that I was short. Standing at 5 Ft. 8 Inches I am about average height. But that isn't what bothers me. What bothers me is not that I am short, but that she was impressed by the crappy stories John had been telling her about me. He didn't tell her that I was in a band sponsored by a skateboarding company that had been on tour and opened for bigger groups like the matches, homegrown, etc, he didn't say that I was a headlining stand up comic...he told her that I once talked to my junk and it was funny and for some reason that means I should have been taller...C'est la vie.

Archibald Duke Fluffington the III

Ahem...Ladies and Gentlemen, Introducing the world's greatest puppy!

Archibald Duke Fluffington the III ("Archie" for short...or "Arch"...or "A-hole").

























Archie is a two month old, female, Half Shih-Tzu half Lhasa-Apso mix, a Shit-so, if you please. She has soft black and white fur, doesn't shed, is litter box trained, is WAY cooler than Fonzie, and just happens to be ADORABLE!!!!

Now I know what you're thinking...why does a female dog have a male name?
The answer is simple, she is my dog and I will call her whatever the hell I want ;-)
That's right, the Bitch is mine...and Erin's!

Anyways, I took her to her first check up today and she is doing just fine! After two more vaccinations she will be allowed to go for walks outside and interact with other dogs! HOORAY!
So, just as a note if you come over and see Archie be sure to sanitize your hands first...we don't want this one dead of Parvo anytime ever!

The Anti - Classy

CLASSY

Pronunciation: \ˈkla-sē\
Function: adjective
Inflected Form(s): class·i·er; class·i·est
Date: 1891
Definition: Having or showing class: as A: Elegant , stylish a>B: Having or reflecting high standards of personal behavior a>C: Admirably skillful and graceful.

If you are like me, which let's face it you probably aren't, when you think of the word "Classy" it may conjure up the image of aristocratic men (or women) clothed in fine suits and pork pie hats (or dresses & powdered wigs). These men/women are comfortably resting in warm leather arm chairs, sifting Brandy, reading the new yorker and discussing gentlemanly things.

Like this...(See figures 1 & 2)

These esteemed captains of industry, blue blooded nobles sum up all that it truly means to be classy.

But, it unnerves me greatly to inform you that we as a society have steered far away from the 1891 definition of "Classy" as shown above. (Just so you know, this blog is in jest, somewhat, so calm down. When I say classy I mean classy as in gentleman like or courteous not as in the actual sense that we should label people by class).

It seems that the upper crust surrounding America's proverbial Apple Pie is littered with burns and rotten fruit.

As masses we flock to American Idol and reality television to suckle at the tit of mediocrity; while entertainment with real wit, humor, and story writing gets cancelled after a few episodes. You bow down and worship elitist whores like Paris Hilton and uneducated zealots like Sean Hanity. You raise political figures on both sides (be it republican or Democrat) to God like status while ignoring that we as a people are the engine that makes this country run.

It's as though people everywhere are de-evolving into "The Anti-class" of America...and I mean everyone, not just celebrities.

So without further ado, my list of things that make us "The Anti-Class."

1. The Faux Hawk - Yes, it was probably great when you were 19 and playing in an Emo band your freshman year of college but please...please stop! Take this guy for example, not only is he sporting the Faux Hawk but he is flashing a gang sign while wearing a button up shirt....really? So he's obviously not in a gang but is borderline douche bag (I say borderline because note that his collar is not popped). And this is what brings me to my next Anti-Class...

2. Douche Bags - At one point in history this word simply meant feminine hygiene product...but then there was an onslaught of self-absorbed chode lickers enough so that they got their own definition in the FREAKING DICTIONARY! Merriam-Websters defines a Douche bag as "an unattractive or offensive person." or as the dictionary of Neil defines it See: The cast of The Hills, Laguna Beach, Chris Angel, and Justin S. from my last B.Y.U. ward. For more clarification on what a Douche Bag is please direct your attention to the picture below.

If you have any of these traits then...

And I can't stress how much the "Livestrong bracelets" bug me. Not because the idea behind them isn't a good one, it's that most people wear them as a fashion statement and probably have never even known someone who suffers from Cancer, let alone helped out by donating time or money.

3. P.D.A - No, not the personal organizer...P.D.A. stands for Public Displays of Affection. Now, don't get me wrong...I don't care if you hold hands or even give your girlfriend/boyfriend a small kiss or peck every now and then...but, when you are in public or in a room with more than 2 other people DON'T MAKE OUT!!!! WHY? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? And I'm not just talking about teenagers, I'm talking about grown FU%$ING ADULTS! I'm 23 and I see people who are older than I am full on making out in a public setting...I'm sorry but it's tacky, rude and AWKWARD! Are you 12? Really, are you sure you're an adult? Because, you are acting like you are in study hall.

And don't give me that, "We are just showing our love" crap. That's like agreeing when a douche bag says, "You're just jealous because I am too real and you can't handle the heat I am throwing down." (Actual quote from an actual Douche Bag).

Here are some examples of OKAY P.D.A and NOT OKAY P.D.A.!

OKAY:

Holding Hands, pecks on the cheek, one or two small (tasteful kisses) that is okay...anything more than that...get a DAMN ROOM!!!!

Not OKAY!!!!

WHAT THE HELL???? My girlfriend and I cringe when we see these douche-tards doing this IN PUBLIC! When we want to be intimate we respect those around us. I don't understand what makes people want to do that in front of other people. Are people like this so emotionally needy and starved for approval that they will do this crap in public?

4. Reality TV - This is a big one...If you turn on the television during the day and especially at night it is littered with talk shows, game shows, and scripted "reality." These are shows that thrive off of people who slander, backbite, and prostitute themselves out for a few minutes of fame. It replaces classic REAL entertainment like Arrested Development, Pushing Daisies, etc.

with shows like Judge Judy, Survivor, and the American Idol.

Here is a List of "Reality TV" that is so bad it makes Jesus and Buddha cry.

1. Paris Hilton's My New BFF - You'd think she would have made more friends in prison.

2. American Idol - quick hint...the attractive half talented one wins.

3. The Hills - Everyone hates me and I hate my high profile fashion job, now I know how Ghandi felt.

4. The Real World - 7 douche bags live in a house together...who cares?

5. Laguna Beach - Oh my God, my trust fund is only going to be $2,000,000...now I know how Gandhi felt.

6. Amish In The City (Seriously...it was on TV)...nuff said.

7. Survivor - I hope they vote off that bitch Karen.

This is where I am going to stop...not because I can't find more things wrong with the overall dumbing down of America but it makes me queasy to write this.

So What Have We Learned?

1. No Faux Hawks (Gross)

2. No Douche Bags (Seriously)

3. NO P.D.A. (Be tactful)

4. Stop with the Reality T.V. Already!

Thank You,

Neil Spencer Hiatt 2/24/09

The Blog Where The Geek In Me Beats Up The Nerd In Me...Or Top Ten Television Shows That Ended Or Were Cancelled WAY TOO SOON!

Hey Everyone!

Out of sheer boredom and the fact that I picked out some shows from my roomate's DVD collection (it's okay, I asked and he said it was cool). I was home sick for a day and I decided to make the best of it by trying something new. I watched a few episodes from some of the TV series I had never heard of and came to find that THEY ARE AMAZING!!!! But the big problem is that some of them are long gone or sadly only lasted one season. So now I am going to make a list of the top 10 TV series that ended or were cancelled WAY BEFORE THEIR TIME!!!! These are not in any particular order by the way...and I've added some small descriptions as well.

Top 10 Awesome TV Series That R.I.P.

10. Firefly -This show was created by Joss Whedon (Buffy the vampire slayer, Angel, and a few episodes of the office). It's if star trek met bonanza! It's set in a future after a large "Alliance" has taken over the galaxy and left the bandits and cowboys on the outskirts of the universe to try to make a new living. It follows the ex-Independence fighter Mal and his rag tag team into small crime after small crime until they come across a young doctor and his hyper intelligent sister who are on the run from the Alliance. The series is AMAZING! Cowboys and spaceships, it sounds retarded but the dialogue and characters are incredibly likable in the ridiculous situation at hand. Plus it's the series debut of Summer Glau...hubba hubba. The series only lasted a season but they made a movie to wrap everything up called Serenity that is an amazing send off to a great series! Check them both out! Shame on you FOX for cancelling this gem WAY TOO SOON.

9. Dead Like Me - Any series that focuses on a teenager killed by a burning hunk of metal from the space station Mir has something going for it. Even more impressive is the fact that Mandy Patinkin finally has a role as good as when he was in the princess bride "you killed my father prepare to die." Dead like me was a Showtime channel series about a college dropout, George Lass who is killed by a toilet seat that falls from the MIR space station on her first day at a temp agency. Upon death, she is recruited for a team of grim reapers - undead who mix among the and take people's souls just before they die. Along with fellow team members Mason, Roxy, Betty, and leader Rube, George discovers life after life. A hilarious and dark look at life in the afterlife. Since it wasn't on cable it is more R rated than any others but my hell it was entertaining. And sadly enough it left with a giant cliffhanger before it was cancelled all together.

8. Pushing Daisies - Ned possesses the unique talent of being able to bring the life to dead merely by touching them. However, the person may remain alive only for one minute, or else someone else dies for them. Through his connections with PI Emerson Cod, Ned revives his childhood sweetheart, Chuck. The trio, aided occasionally by Olive Snook, helps solve the mysteries of various murders, whose murderer is often surprising. Created by the guy who made Dead Like me and With a co-star like Kristin Chenoweth (who in my opinion is one of the most beautiful 40 year old woman, I have ever seen) this show should have been on for years...but alas...it's as dead as the people he revived in the series.

7. Frisky Dingo - This is one of the two cartoons on the list. Xander Crews is a billionaire playboy whose alter ego is the superhero Awesome X. He'd much rather goof around as a superhero than tend to the everyday aspects of running a corporation. The only problem is that Awesome X has gotten rid of every super-villain in the city. Coincidentally, a new super-villain named Killface appears. His goal is to destroy humanity using the Annihilatrix, a machine which upon completion will hurl the earth into the sun. The only problem is that he has no way of getting the 12 billion dollars needed to complete his doomsday device. This show was OUT OF CONTROL! There was no way to predict where it was going or why but everything that comes out of the characters mouths is comic gold!

6. Deadwood - HBO's kick ass drama is about the town of Deadwood, South Dakota, a lawless sinkhole of crime and corruption. A disillusioned and bitter ex-lawman, Seth Bullock, a man hoping to find a new start for himself. Finds himself quickly on opposite sides of the legal and moral fence from Al Swearengen, saloon owner, hotel operator, and incipient boss of Deadwood. The lives of these people intertwine with many others, the high-minded and the low-lifes who populate Deadwood in 1876. If you can keep up with the rough Shakespearean dialogue and come to terms with the fact that there really is no closure to the multiple story lines in the series then you will LOVE this show!

5. Carnivale - Carnivale in two seasons won 5 Emmy's and was nominated for dozens of other awards. Yet, at the end of the second season, just when the drama was peaking in suspense, HBO decided not to renew. The show takes place in depression-era America and follows a traveling circus, as an epic battle good and evil is emerging. Imagine X-files with more likable characters, a more compelling story, amazing production & sets, and you have Carnivale. HBO also charges ridiculous amounts for its DVDs so find it and rent it!

4. Andy Richter Controls The Universe - This single-camera show was to office sitcoms what "Scrubs" has been to hospital sitcoms. Richter played a fiction writer stuck in a generic job, fantasizing about his own heroics amid office bureaucracy. This short lived series showed us why Richter left Conan O’Brien.

3. Freakazoid - Now I know what you're thinking...yes it is a kids show...But I watched this show as a kid! If this show had stayed on the air I probably wouldn't have gotten bored sitting at home watching my little brother and came up with the game we used to play called "Can Neil hit Glen with a baseball from across the room?" and the answer is yes he can. Freakaziod was a kids show from the creator of Animaniacs. If followed a geeky kid who would turn into Freakaziod to save the day. The thing I loved about this show was the references to movies from the 1930s...and how most kids would have NO CLUE what those jokes meant! My parents even liked this one because it tailored its jokes to kids and adults...which shows like Hannah Montana and other Disney spew fails to do today.

2. Action - "Action" beat "Entourage" to the punch, and its punch was much harder. This was a dark satire of Hollywood cynicism and deal-making that took no prisoners. It probably belonged on cable, where viewers are willing to accept characters who are not cozy. The cast was sharp, and the writing was even sharper.

1. Arrested Development - Finally, no list would be complete without the best thing to happen to television in the last ten years...period. For three seasons we followed the Bluth family in their corruption, adoption, Never Nude, possible incest and loved every minute of it. The premise of the show is level-headed son Michael Bluth takes over family affairs after his father is imprisoned for fraud. But the rest of his spoiled, dysfunctional family are making his job unbearable. It doesn't sound like much but trust me this show is AMAZING!!!! I've never laughed so hard or quoted so much until I watched this show. Sadly I was one of the many people who heard about this show only after it had been cancelled. If you are bored with reality TV, crappy game shows, and mindless gossip shows please buy all three seasons and watch!

For those of you who read this all the way through...thank you for joining me in this journey about what I did when I probably should have been studying, working, or doing something else a million times more productive. If you get a chance please check out these shows and please, please, please if you see a good show struggling on TV tell someone about it or at least watch it because if you don't these people will be the ones left on television...

And let's be honest...no (intelligent) person wants that...

Real Men Don't Knit Hats!!!!

So....a good friend of mine a while back was dating a guy. Lets just call her "Betty" and him "Douchey McDouchenstien" (Their names have been changed to protect the innocent).
Any ways, Douchey was what we in the dating world would call...a total TOOL! The kind of guy who wines all day and gets mad when you don't answer his text message immediately! The guy who says I love you and talks marriage after ONE WEEK!!!! Look, I am all for love and the pursuit of it but this guy makes real men look bad! What ever happened to real men? This guy wore terry cloth track suits for hells sake! No one except sweaty mobsters or Jennifer Lopez wears terry cloth jump suits!! What happened to guys who don't take crap from anyone? Guys who came to chew bubble gum and kick some ass, but they're all out of bubble gum?
And here is the kicker, you will never belive what "Douchey" did for "Betty's" birthday. He KNIT her a HAT! I'll write it a gain KNIT...HER....A...HAT!!!! First off, I can understand if you were in a family group or ward activity where everyone was kniting and you HAD to as well but that's not the case. This guy spent days ALONE in his room KNITTING A HAT FOR HIS GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And go figure, she ends up dumping him a month or so later for being "too much of a wuss". I am a firm believer that most heterosexual women don't want to date a man who has more of a vagina than they do. It's no wonder why so many normal guys get put into "the friend zone".
Here is a tip for you Douchey, next time you think about picking up your knitting needles, go ahead and knit yourself a pair of balls.

I'm done -

Neil Hiatt

P.S. The scottish males in the olden days all knit thier kilts. But, they HAD to knit them they didn't choose to knit them. Plush Scott's are total badasses!

Also,

you can check out some of the clips from my stand up Comedy at www.myspace.com/neilhiattcomedy
or
www.youtube.com/neilhiattcomedy