Real Men Don't Knit Hats!!!!

So....a good friend of mine a while back was dating a guy. Lets just call her "Betty" and him "Douchey McDouchenstien" (Their names have been changed to protect the innocent).
Any ways, Douchey was what we in the dating world would call...a total TOOL! The kind of guy who wines all day and gets mad when you don't answer his text message immediately! The guy who says I love you and talks marriage after ONE WEEK!!!! Look, I am all for love and the pursuit of it but this guy makes real men look bad! What ever happened to real men? This guy wore terry cloth track suits for hells sake! No one except sweaty mobsters or Jennifer Lopez wears terry cloth jump suits!! What happened to guys who don't take crap from anyone? Guys who came to chew bubble gum and kick some ass, but they're all out of bubble gum?
And here is the kicker, you will never belive what "Douchey" did for "Betty's" birthday. He KNIT her a HAT! I'll write it a gain KNIT...HER....A...HAT!!!! First off, I can understand if you were in a family group or ward activity where everyone was kniting and you HAD to as well but that's not the case. This guy spent days ALONE in his room KNITTING A HAT FOR HIS GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And go figure, she ends up dumping him a month or so later for being "too much of a wuss". I am a firm believer that most heterosexual women don't want to date a man who has more of a vagina than they do. It's no wonder why so many normal guys get put into "the friend zone".
Here is a tip for you Douchey, next time you think about picking up your knitting needles, go ahead and knit yourself a pair of balls.

I'm done -

Neil Hiatt

P.S. The scottish males in the olden days all knit thier kilts. But, they HAD to knit them they didn't choose to knit them. Plush Scott's are total badasses!

Also,

you can check out some of the clips from my stand up Comedy at www.myspace.com/neilhiattcomedy
or
www.youtube.com/neilhiattcomedy

Neil Vs. The Amazing Stand-Up Comedy Challenge!!!!

Hey Everyone, just as an update if you didn't know for the last two weekends I have been competing in a local stand-up comedy competition at Wiseguys Comedy Club in Orem.

The competition consisted of 25 comics from the local area with 8 shows over the last two weekends. We started with 3 minutes in the first round, 5 minutes in the second round and 8-10 minutes in the finals. The winner of the event gets to open for Jamie Kennedy,

Comic/Actor/Star of Malibu's Most Wanted, Kickin It Old School, Scream, and the Jamie Kennedy Experiment. Also The Winner Gets an invitation to The Rocky Mountain Laugh Off another competition for headlining and featured comics from around the Rocky Mountain Area.

This is a pretty big leap for me considering that I haven't preformed Stand-Up comedy on stage in over two and a half years.

So with that being said....I WON!!!!!!! I took first place in every round I competed in! It was a close call in the finals there but in the end I got FIRST PLACE OVER ALL!!!!

I just want to say that I met some AMAZING comics during this competition and I hope to get the opportunity to preform with them all again for a long time to come. I also want to thank Wiseguys as well as Keith Stubbs & Rodney Norman for giving me the opportunity to preform again and for all the professional advice during the shows.

I open for Jamie Kennedy on November 15th at the Ogden Wiseguys Shows are at 8:00 P.M. & 10:00 P.M. and the Rocky Mountain Laugh Off is from Oct. 22 - Oct 27th

You can check out all of the info for these shows on the top of the main page at

http://www.wiseguyscomedy.com/

It was a strange step for me to get back into comedy. I took the last while off because of some very personal trials I was facing in my life.

You see, when I first started to preform comedy I had just met (the day before my first open mic) Chelsea.

I loved Chelsea with all of my heart and she supported and inspired me in every aspect of my experience as a Stand-Up comic. We dated for two years all the while I was booking shows and events she was at EVERY SINGLE ONE. She had nothing but unconditional love, understanding, support and one of the sharpest wits I have ever known.

Tragically, she was killed in a car accident a few days after thanksgiving and after that I just stopped preforming completely. I thought that I had closed that chapter of my life altogether.

It was hard to find humor when my main joy and support was gone, but getting back on stage these last two weeks I could feel her watching over me and standing beside me as I returned once again to Comedy.

I have unconditional love and support now from my girlfriend Erin Seaward as well as my friends but with the experiences and personal growth I have gained from knowing Chelsea and through this competition I can't wait to see where comedy will lead.

Thank you for reading and I hope to see everyone at a show soon.

Love,

Neil

Why Jack Bauers Life is WAY more interesting than mine!

Jack Bowers Life In One Day

Monday

12:00 A.M. - 1:00 A.M. - Jack Tranquilizes A Fellow Agent And Blackmails Him To Get The Information He Needs.

1:00 A.M. - 2:00 A.M. - Fends Off Two Snipers Then Cuts Off One Of Their Fingers To Print It.

2:00 A.M. - 3:00 A.M. - Uses Computer In His SUV To Scan The Snipers Fingerprint.

3:00 A.M. - 4:00 A.M. - Finds Encrypted Information On The Keycard

4:00 A.M. - 5:00 A.M. - Chases Down and Captures Second Sniper.

5:00 A.M. - 6:00 A.M. - Breaks Second Sniper Out Of Jail To Get More Info.

6:00 A.M. - 7:00 A.M. - Exploits The Traitor On The Team

7:00 A.M. - 8:00 A.M. - Assembles Gun For The Assassin Against His Will

8:00 A.M. - 9:00 A.M. - Stops Assassination Attempt

9:00 A.M. - 10:00 A.M. - Escapes Custody of FBI

10:00 A.M. - 11:00 A.M. - Kills a terrorist Accountant and Tourtures Man Who kidnapped His Wife.

11:00 A.M. - 12:00 P.M. - Gets re-instated until midnight to stop terrorist threat.

1:00 P.M. - 2:00 P.M. - Uses special bat shark repellent to subdue exploding shark.

2:00 P.M. - 3:00 P.M. - Writes his name in the snow with his own urine in cursive.
3:00 P.M. - 4:00 P.M. - Eats an entire box of nails and shits out a birdhouse.
4:00 P.M. - 5:00 P.M. - Kills an entire terrorist camp by himself commando style!
5:00 P.M. - 6:00 P.M. - Rescues his wife and daughter.
6:00 P.M. - 7:00 P.M. - Bare knuckle boxes a Wolverine because he was bored.
7:00 P.M. - 8:00 P.M. - Finds out there is a second CIA mole.  
8:00 P.M. - 9:00 P.M. - Exposes second CIA Mole!
9:00 P.M. - 10:00 P.M. -Kicks Ass!!!!
10:00 P.M. - 11:00 P.M. - Takes Names!!!!
11:00 P.M. - 12:00 A.M. - SAVES THE FREAKING WORLD!!!!

My Life In One Day

Monday

12:00 A.M. - 9:00 A.M. - Sleep Soundly Until A Loud Fart Wakes Me Up.

9:00 A.M. - 9:15 A.M. - Shower.

9:15 A.M. - 9:30 - Go To School.

9:30 A.M. - 10:55 A.M. - Math Class

10:55 A.M. - 11:55 A.M. - Homework

11:55 A.M. - 12:00 P.M. - Drive Home

12:00 P.M. - 12:30 P.M. - Lunch

12:30 P.M. - 1:00 P.M. - Rent The First Season Of "24"

1:00 P.M. - 1:15 P.M. - Realize That I Could Have Watched The First Season For Free Online...Sulk For 15 Mins.

1:15 P.M. - 5:15 P.M. - Watch First Disc of "24" Season 1.

5:15 P.M. - 5:45 P.M. - Dinner (microwaved Chicken Alfredo)

5:45 P.M. - 6:00 P.M. - Contemplate becoming a CIA spy like my new Hero Jack Bauer.

6:00 P.M. - 7:00 P.M. - Practice Counterterrorism tactics and Hand to Hand Combat.

7:00 P.M. - 7:30 P.M. - Give up on dreams of becoming CIA spy and watch The Simpsons instead.

7:30 P.M. - 8:00 P.M. - Inexplicably start crying when a touching Geico commercial comes on.

8:00 P.M. - 9:00 P.M. - Watch the Tivo of the B.Y.U. Vs. T.C.U. game and realize why I don't like putting hope into a football team.

9:00 P.M. -  9:30 P.M. - Second dinner (Microwavable Lean Cuisine)

9:30 P.M. - 11:00 P.M. - Brush up on my hand eye coordination by playing endless hours of violent video games.

11:00 P.M. - 12:00 A.M. -  Asleep in a banana chair still holding video game controller after having passed out in my own sweat, tears and shame.

So in conclusion don't watch the riveting series "24" because you will realize what a spinning vacuous void your life has become.

Thank you,

Neil Hiatt

30 Sad & Puzzling Facts About Me & Life in General

30 Sad & Puzzling Facts About Me & Life in General

1. Without Myspace or Facebook I wouldn’t remember anyone’s names, birthdays or sexual orientation. (It’s true and it’s not that I don’t love and respect you…I just don’t love and respect you enough to remember your birthday…sorry).

2. People are only nice on Holidays and even then it’s so you can get nice shit.

3.Every year, I draw closer to the realization that I will never grow proper facial hair. It has become apparent that the only cheeks on me where hair will grow are not the good kind like I want. I can only grow a thin mustache (which is reserved only for child molesters and our culturally strong friends from across the border) and “scruff” under my chin as well as on my neck…like a testosterone injected female body builder.

4. Dumb people will always have higher paying jobs than me.

5. “Mormon Movies” are basically poorly made exploitation films. Like Blacula and Coffee before them; we are now about a stones throw away from “Mormon Dracula” or “Zombies & Zoobies”* * - Zombies & Zoobies Trademarked by Michelle Flowers and Erin Seaward.

6. We go to years of college only to get a substandard paying job with little or no escape. (Keep sweeping up those floors Dr. so and so).

7. Sometimes I think I am dying when really everything is okay.

8. I am very judgmental. Not the greatest fact but I don’t judge based on outward appearance and status. I judge based upon people’s actions.

9. I hold a grudge for a long period of time. (I believe that you should trust and respect everyone with the same respect you want, that is until they give you a reason not to trust or respect them).

10. I go to Utah Valley University (Formerly UVSC) and the big Joke at BYU is to call UVU, “Utah Valley High School”. When I used to book comedy for UVSC events and dances over three-fourths of the audience that showed up was from BYU, grossly outnumbering the UVU students. So, if UVU is being compared to a high school and over half of the people who show up for our events is from BYU, what does that make BYU? That means BYU is like that creepy guy who graduated from high school but keeps coming back to hang out in the parking lot and scam for barely legal trim. You know, the guy who thinks he’s is really cool but in reality is just a pompous douche bag? Yeah, BYU? Don’t be that guy.

11. God put Assholes on the earth for one reason and one reason only, to have something to compare our lives to. Someone who we can say, “Man, no matter how bad my life gets…at least I’m not that guy.”

12. I love Mi Rancherito and Chili’s….but I hate diarrhea….conundrum?

13. BLUETOOTH! While it is an awesome breakthrough in technology…DON’T LEAVE IT IN YOUR EAR ALL DAY!!!! You are not so important that you can’t take it out while you’re eating! And if you are talking on it leave the room because you look ridiculous.

14. Dill pickles are an abomination before God and should be wiped from the face of the Earth.

15. Cats SUCK! They are cute as kittens but then they grow, shed, hack and try to suffocate you when you sleep!

16. If am having a good day and someone asks if I am okay or ornery, that in fact makes me ornery. (Their fault! If they would have just left me alone!)

17. When someone asks for my “honest opinion”…trust me, that’s the last thing they want to hear.

18. Sometimes I will say hi to people and their reaction alone makes me think they don’t like me…and these are people I have never even spoken too.

19. I hate being right about life situations, especially bad ones.

20. Fish make terrible pets, they rarely survive and they can’t fetch or protect a house.

21. Mitt Romney said he believes, “That Christ is the savior of the world and that he died for us and is the king of all mankind”… then some stupid spokeswoman turns around and comments back by saying, yes... He said all that, but he never said “I’m a Christian” so who is to say he is Christian? DUH!!!!!!!!!… Doesn’t Christian mean that you believe Christ is the savior? And isn’t that what he said?? This world is SOOO freaking stupid. And that lady… I don’t even know where to start with her ignorance.

22. I don’t vote…Sue me.

23. The woman on the wheat thins box is HOT but WAY out of my league.

24. Writers block sucks!!!!!!!!

25. Sometimes when I am walking around listening to my IPOD I keep the headphones in my ears but don’t listen to music…I do this so I can avoid actually having to talk to people. Because nothing says “Piss off” like IPOD headphones.

26. I hate it when people don’t recognize the power of the “Piss off” headphones.

27. I don't actully like having attention. Yes my personality draws attention but I would much rather sit back and watch than have people focus on me.

28. When someone is labeled as a “People Person” it just means that they communicate with others well. But the truth is most often the “People Person” or “People Personai” does not like other people and are not very well liked either.

29. I am a “People Person”.

30. My Name is Neil Spencer Hiatt and I am the only person like me I know.

Things I have made up that I wan't people to repeat as fact...

This is a social experiment!

To wake myself and everyone else up to the constant telephone game we play with all of the misinformation at home, at work, in schools, houses of god and on T.V. I have decided to start making things up...

that's right I will make up outrageous claims that could sound like the truth but in all reality are bold faced lies. My goal here is to spread most of these around and get enough people to agree with my story that it will eventually become fact...HOORAY!!!!

Here we go...

1. When they close down a zoo, if they can't find new homes for the animals they eat them.

2. The African Penguin has the ability to camouflage but because of it's colorblindness it doesn't do it.

3. I was born a woman named Sharon but my female parts made me sick so after the operation Neil Seemed like a good name.

4. I enjoy the company of most the people around me....

Top 10 Favorite Movies From My Childhood

When I was a kid there were some movies that I could watch over and over again. Some that have stood the test of time and some that have faltered into obscurity. Here I will list and give a summary of what each movie means to me.

So...

Neil Spencer Hiatt's Top 10 Favorite Movies From His Childhood

1. Back To The Future - CLASSIC! I first saw this movie when I was 3 years old. My Grandmother had a copy she had recorded from TV on VHS and I would stand in front of the Television with a ping-pong Paddle and pretend to play the Johnny B Good song Marty sang at the end. Funny, Quirky dialog and well rounded characters made this one of my top favorites. I actually hate it when people don't get the significance of 88 Miles Per Hour. They really don't make movies like this anymore, lovable characters, great script, comedy action suspense and a pretty creepy sub plot if you think about it...But either way YOU HAVE TO LOVE THIS MOVIE.
   


2. Superman 2 - I loved Superman 1 but Superman 2 is by far my favorite out of the series. General Zod and 2 other prisoners of Krypton escape when they crash land on Earth. I used to have a pair of superman pajamas and my dad would fly me around the house as superman and he would play ZOD he would even pretend that it hurt when I crushed his hand at the end of the movie. We would sit down and watch this movie ALL weekend when I would visit. I can look back and see that he probably was sick of it but every time we went to blockbuster he would let me rent it, which makes him a pretty kickass person.


3. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - I am willing to bet in the late eighties and again in the early nineties pizza sales skyrocketed and it was all because someone said "How about turtles that are mid-pubescent and are also ninjas?" My favorite was Raphael because he was a loner on the edge and because I thought it was funny when he would yell you "DAMMMN!"
   


4. The Dirt bike Kid - What do you get when you have a magic motorcycle, a local hot dog hang out that's about to be bulldozed by a corporate giant, Van Halen on the soundtrack and that kid from the Christmas story? Probably the greatest cheese ball comedy ever produced. It's about a boy who buys a dirt bike that for some reason (not explained in the movie) is magic and can fly...that's right FLY! How rad is that? If anyone has a copy of this on VHS please let me know!
   


5. Indiana Jones (1-3) Yeah I know that these are 3 separate movies but the truth is they all make up one whole part of my childhood...also it's my list so SCREW YOU! Harrison ford plays the whip toting archaeologist brainchild of George Lucas and Steven Spielberg and basically forms the epitome of all that is man.
   


6. Star Wars (4-6) The original star wars even before the special edition made up a good 3 years of my life writing short stories in my basement bedroom about my friends and I being Jedi's and having light sabers as well as speeder bikes....basically anything that hovered or made a "Woosh" sound was enough to hold my attention at that age.
   


7. Christmas Vacation - I only have one question....What the hell happened to Chevy Chase? There was the original Vacation, Christmas Vacation and Fletch and then there wasn't a whole lot else...This is a classic for my dad and I. He loves slapstick and it's probably the only National Lampoons to throw some warm family ties in along with it. Animal house is great but Christmas Vacation is the tops.
   


8. My Pet Monster - I can not find this movie ANYWHERE!!!! It's not even on amazon! This is a movie about a nerdy boy who gets transformed into a monster after staring into the eyes of a statue at the local museum. The suit was basically a glorified fur costume, like the ones they use at Disneyland. There was also a cartoon spin off that is easier to find on you tube than the actual movie.
   


9. Ghostbusters - Bill Murray replaced John Belushi when he died as the role of Peter Vankman and it has become a classic. I love the gags, the 80's special effects (including the puppets) and the theme song gets stuck in your head for days. When I was 3 years old I got a full proton pack set for my birthday, they put it in my lap and I fell over into my Grandmother's rhubarb patch...my dad has it on film and every year on my birthday he says, for example when I turned 22, "It was nineteen years ago today that you fell in the rhubarb..." But I loved this movie! My aunt took a childs sized air force jumper and sewed on the Ghostbusters symbol. I loved it so much I wore it all the time, even when we went to Lagoon and it was 115 degrees outside and refused to take it off. I remember watching it years later and cathing all of the jokes that I didn't get when I was a kid making this a nostalgic classic for me.
   


10. The Christmas Story - This one needs no explanation (considering that it is on TNT 24 hours a day all through the month of December). Suffice it to say this is probably the only thing my mother and I share as a "Common Interest" when it comes to movie appreciation.

So...that's my top ten list of movies that defined my childhood, obviously there are many, MANY more I could add such as the secret of nihm and An american tale but they wouldn't call up the memories that the ones I put up do.

So with that list being made I just have to say....They don't make them like they used to. Movies now a day are more concerned with ticket sales, special effects and pandering than making quality film from fresh ideas. When was the last time you've seen a movie that wasn't a sequel of an older movie or a re-imagining? Though Batman Begins ROCKED it still wasn't an original idea. I can't even think of the last truely original movie in a long time....and it makes me sad.

P.S. The Dark Knight is coming out in July and I couldn't be more excited!!!!

100% Man

Hey Ladies...You ever wonder what a man looks like?
What's that you say? You've never seen a real man before?
Well, search no more baby because you're looking at a real 100%, Grade A, all American come and get it M...A...N.

Be it the sophisticated pallet,

















The Restaurant Aficionado,










Or Just The Man About Town,













Yes I am a man in all the ways everyone else is not.

But do you want to know what really makes me a man?

My Gun...

That's right, my Springfield XD 9MM Hand Gun!

Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought "I don't like myself, I feel weak and useless."
Or have girls ever turned you down for dates?

Well Amigo then you are not a man....until you buy a gun!

That's right a gun can fill in all the holes that insecurity and society leave behind!

It's America's answer to all of life's problems...

Don't like yourself? Buy a gun!
Job Stressing you out? Buy a gun!
Feeling inadequate? Buy a gun!
Can't seem to please women? Buy a REALLY BIG gun!

Do you think this guy has any trouble reeling in the ladies?







I don't think so!


So now that you know what a REAL man looks like, how do you feel?

Yeah, I know, it's a lot to take in all at once...but don't be afraid.

My gun will keep you safe...