The days in the life...

A Newfound Celebrity...Of Sorts

2011-10-02T18:43:00.000-07:00

Google.

What a fantastic creation that links the world together and allows access to information at the click of a mouse.

Information like:

"Who won the first world series?"

Answer: The Boston Americans (Later renamed the Boston Red Sox).

"How many packets of Kool-Aid would it take to fill the ocean?"

Answer: 732 quintillion packets "Oh Yeah!"

How to curse in sign language.

Google is also incredibly successful. As of 2011 Google's net worth is $190 Billion dollars.

To put that into perspective, if you were to produce the movie Avatar, buy the world's most expensive house (Antilla), buy a private island, A Private Jet, and a Tiger, then donated $300,000,000 to charity, and purchase The Batmobile (The Dark Knight Version), You would still have $188 Billion dollars left over.

Google is so popular that it is now a verb (examples: Google the answer, Google the site, I just googled myself).

Speaking of googling myself, that is another amazing thing that Google supplies us with,

immediate self-masterbatorial narcissism. With a simple click you can search all of the information the internet has about YOU! Where you live, your facebook page, and even links to your blog.

The final item that Google is good for, apparently, is porking me in the ass.

TWIST?!?!?

You must be confused.

"But Neil, you were just saying what a great invention Google was. Why are you being so negative toward Google now?"

Well, let me tell you.

Yesterday when my wife googled my name she found something interesting.

She found this:

Now you probably don't see anything wrong with

this picture...so let me narrow it down for you.

WHAT?!?!?

What you see in that picture is a link to a website called www.icelebsdb.com

From what I can gather, www.icelebsdb.com is a bullshit site.

It is a fake site that takes information from anyone who has an IMDB.com page and then post it on their website in order to link it to a celebrity porn site.

So now, when you google search my name a link pops up and claims to have "Nude Pi

ctures" and "Naked Hot Scenes" of me. And on the first page. Make no mistake...it's me that they are talking about. They have my full name, birthdate, and home town on record.

So, obviously there are no nude photos of me on the internet.

I mean seriously, the closest thing to a nude photo I even have is this...

And while I am flattered that they have lowered the standard of the word "celebrity" to include this pudgy, 26-year-old college student, I don't appreciate a site claiming to have nude photos and videos of me. The funny thing is...why are they using my name to promote their site, and is that strategy even working?

In all seriousness, if they wanted nude photos, all they had to do was ask.

Obviously this is a recent picture.

I really don't know what my legal recourse is here, but for the moment I guess I could find the server that houses the site and hope to God it's in the U.S. Maybe the site will be short lived and get shut down by people even more famous than myself. Or, for now anyway, I could just leave it be and use it as a conversation piece.

I can see it now: I'm somewhere in time and space, talking to a prospective client or colleague and when that inevitable dip in the conversation happens, I can pull out my ace in the hole: "Hey, (insert prospective client or colleague here) if you Google my name you will find a fake link to non-existent naked pictures of me."

Then we all laugh and become friends.

Or something like that.

I Sense Much Fear In You...And By "You" I Mean Me

2011-03-24T00:38:00.000-07:00

According to Psychology Today:

"Fear is a vital response to physical and emotional danger—if we couldn't feel it, we couldn't protect ourselves from legitimate threats. But often we fear situations that are in no way life-or-death, and thus hang back for no good reason."

Good point, Psychology Today!

Fear is something that is in all of us, be it legitimate or irrational. From time to time, I myself feel the gut-wrenching void that opens up in my belly and crawls its way into my brain whenever fear grips me by the man-bits.

Here is a list of my top-5 fears.

Neil Fears (In Order of Terror)

1. Spiders

Yes, spiders. I know it sounds cliché, but every time I see one of those eight-legged bastards my mind can't help but lock up all of my motor skills and evacuate my bowels in pure terror.

I am so afraid of spiders that even fake ones creep me out, and I had to have my little brother beat all of the levels in Resident Evil 2 that had giant spiders...

But come on! Just look at them!

(I had to have someone else paste this picture here)

Everything about spiders is pure, unadulterated EVIL!

Here is a sub-list of evil things spiders do:

I know what you're thinking, "Neil, is this a list...within a list?"

The answer is Yes!

You bitches have just been Incepted!

(Yes, drink it in.)

Anyway, here is the sub-list of evil spider actions:

A. They have eight legs, eight eyes, and fangs, and most of them are deadly poisonous.

B. The females eat their mates after sex.

C. Spider babies eat the mother after birth (seeing a pattern here).

D. The largest spider in the world is called the "Goliath Bird Eater" and it FREAKING EATS BIRDS!

And, if any of the previous items failed to convince you that spiders are pure evil, then take a look at this:

E. They trap their prey in a web, wrap them up in a death cocoon, inject them with venom that melts all of the prey's internal organs, and then they DRINK WHAT'S LEFT!

That is the most messed up way to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner!

Well, almost.

2. Heights

This is an odd one. I love repelling, I have been bungee jumping, and I have ridden all of the sky rides at the Stratosphere in Las Vegas. But being on a ladder or even standing next to the railing of a high stairwell makes me clam up, panic, and feel like my legs are going to give out.

(How does this not make you say AHHHHHHHHH?!?!)

3. Pickles

Okay, this isn't really a fear as much as is a raw hatred of pickles. But, some say that anger is a byproduct of fear.

But I must remind you, a pickle would kill you if it had the chance.

(See? The dirty bastards.)

4. Milky Eye

For those of you who don't know what Milky Eye is...This is milky eye:

Milky Eye (or Cloudy Cornea) is when a cloudy film covers the outside of the eye or inside of the cornea. This can be caused by several things: infection, damage to the eyeball, etc. Nevertheless it scares the crap out of me. I am not afraid of people who have milky eye, mind you; what frightens me is the thought that maybe one day I could have it.

Plus I just hate the word milky...gross.

5. Paralyzation

Once again, I am not afraid of people who are paralyzed. Just afraid that one day I will have an accident and become paralyzed. This might explain my fear of heights a little though. The only way I think I would ever be okay with paralyzation is if I got to ride around in this,

(Attach a cannon that fires t-shirts to this and you've got yourself a party!)

Fear is a strange mistress.

There are moments when you defy her and moments when you succumb to her cold embrace. But in life you shouldn't let fear hold you back from what you want. We all have let moments and opportunities pass us by because of fear. Fear of failure, fear of success (yes this is a real thing, and a lot of people will chicken out because of this one), fear of rejection, and the list goes on and on.

The point is to try your hardest to not let it drag you down. Because I never want to be the person who looks back and wonders, "What if?"

IT HAS BEGUN!!!!

2011-02-06T03:05:00.000-08:00

Last night, I couldn't sleep.

So I stayed awake and practiced

my PhotoShop skills.

Here Were a Few Results:

But, for some reason I decided to challenge my friend Brad Taylor to a bit of a duel...by sending him this picture (see below) with the words, "Your move Brad." Posted on it:

Here Was His Response:

"You were saying?"

And we were off to the races!

The unspoken rules were that we must take a picture of our friend Kyle, photoshop him in a silly situation, and post it on the other person's wall within twenty-four hours.

This is what we came up with...

BRAD

Brad

If anyone would like to participate please...don't hesitate!

(P.S. Thank you Kyle for being such a good sport.)

- Neil

LDS 24 Hour Film Festival

2011-01-31T00:27:00.001-08:00

For the last nine years the LDS Film Festival has held a 24-hour film competition.

The basic idea is you have twenty-four hours (from 10:00 A.M. Friday to 10:00 A.M. Saturday ) to write, shoot, edit, score, and turn in a three -minute film.

The Rules Were:

1. You can only have five people in your group total (meaning only 5 people to act as your cast AND your crew).

2. You must use the given theme, prop, and line of dialog in your film (Our theme was generosity, our prop was a dollar bill, and the line of dialog was "What more can...").

3. Your film can only be three minutes in length.

This year four colleagues from the UVU film department and myself entered the competition.

Our Group Consisted Of:

Jorden Nash

Brittney Johnson

Jeremy Prusso

Eric Lawrence

and

Neil Hiatt (Myself)

We all worked hard and pulled together a really great short film.

Our Schedule Went As Follows:

10:00 A.M. - 12:00 Noon. - Get theme, prop, and dialog from LDS film festival. Come up with idea and write script.

12:00 Noon - 6:00 P.M. - Film entire script in three different locations.

6:00 P.M. - 5:00 A.M. - Film green screen in garage, synch sound clips to film footage, and edit the film together.

5:00 A.M. - 6:00 A.M. - Film pickup shots in garage, record songs for film, and record voice ADR.

6:00 A.M. - 7:00 A.M. - Color correct footage and mix audio.

7:00 A.M. - 9:00 A.M. - Finish mixing audio and synch it up to final film edit.

9:00 A.M. - 9:30 A.M. - Add After Effects lightning to fifteen frames of footage.

9:30 A.M. - 9:50 A.M. - Export film to DVD.

9:50 A.M. - 10:00 A.M. - Turn in final product to LDS Film Festival.

This was our first time entering the competition, and honestly I couldn't have asked for a better group.

You know why?

Because...

WE FREAKING WON!!!!

Here is us accepting our award:

(From left to right: Jorden Nash, Jeremy Prusso, Neil Hiatt, and film festival sponsor Christian Vuissa. Not pictured: Eric Lawrence & Brittney Johnson)

Here is us taking a picture in front of the LDS Film Festival Sign:

(From left to right: Neil Hiatt, Jeremy Prusso, Jorden Nash)

Here is a picture of me next to Boss Nass from Star Wars:

(From left to right: Boss Nass, Neil Hiatt)

Anyway, our three-minute short titled MUFFIN TOP took 1st PLACE out of twenty-nine entries and it also won the Audience Choice Award.

That means we beat out one-hundred and forty film makers working on their twenty-nine separate projects!

The logic:

29 groups x 5 film makers per group = 145 film makers

145 film makers - 5 (our group) = 140 film makers

And there were some really great films in this competition!

It was a wonderful feeling to meet so many talented individuals and to walk away with our heads held high.

So, without further ado, I give you our short film...

(NOTE: Remember we only had 24 hours to make this, so please forgive some of our editing and continuity errors)

MUFFIN TOP:

All-in-all it was a great experience, and I can't wait until next year's competition.

Why Make Facebook More Melodramatic Than It Already Is?

2010-12-01T01:15:00.000-08:00

The Internet is a strange beast. While it connects us together with a simple click of the mouse, it also distances us greatly from one another. You may be asking yourself, "How can it connect us together while separating us at the same time?"

The answer is simple: anonymity.

If you've ever seen a comments page on YouTube, or a Facebook wall post, you would quickly notice how social tact and a general proclivity for civility is thrown out the window. . . much like the toasters in my friend Brad Taylor's recent art piece.

Brad Taylor's "Toaster Defenestration"

Because the Internet allows us to state opinions from the comfort and safety of our homes, we tend to say things that we normally wouldn't say to a person face to face. In some cases the Internet allows us to say these things completely anonymously, and that is when all hell breaks loose.

In my opinion, arguing on Facebook is akin to shouting into the darkness and is pretty sad when you take a step back and look at the situation. It comes as no shock that the two subjects that stoke the flames the most are politics and religion. Now I am fine with conversations and civil discussions about both of these topics. But, it's the extremist political parroting, ad hominem, and useless trash talk that inevitably follows that really bothers me.

Examples:

From the Right: "Obama is a Socialist."
From the Left: "Republicans are Fascists."
"Gays are abominations!", "Christians are nut-jobs!" etc., etc., etc.

So my plan is that if anyone posts extremist political or religious fluff on Facebook I will just remove him or her from my friend list. (Note: Remember, only extremists get deleted; if you are civil and just keep an open mind, I will only hide you from my wall feed.)

Let's face it, and you can quote me on this,
"Posting extremist political and religious views on Facebook is like masturbating in public. While it might feel good to the person doing it, everyone else around you is uncomfortable and annoyed!" - Neil Hiatt
See, I even quoted myself (how humble of me).

Here is a song my friend Brad Taylor wrote on the aforementioned subject...
I have to say no one has put the subject in such an eloquent manner.
(Warning: Explicit Content - Not Safe For Work)

"Facebook" By: Brad Taylor

It's Just RUBBER BANDS!!!!

2010-09-13T12:02:00.000-07:00

Trends are a strange thing.
We all follow them (even if you think you haven't, you have), we all notice them, and we even come to despise them.

At my current age I am not naive enough to believe that trends won't surpass my understanding. But that doesn't keep the understanding of their popularity out of my reach.

For example:

Wacky Rubber Bands

These are a cultural phenomenon. They cost anywhere between $1.00 a package to $1,250 on ebay.

What are Wacky Bandz (or the more popular Sillybandz), exactly?
They are just regular rubber bands in the shapes of animals...seriously.

In typical fashion they are FLYING OFF THE SHELVES! We have had kids and
teenagers come into my work who literally have been dragged out of the store screaming and crying because their parents didn't buy them a rubber band in the shape of a Plesiosaur.
But the more I scratch my head as to why these animal-shaped pieces of rubber were so popular, the more I realize my generation had dozens of trends that were just as stupid.

Here are some of them:

Stupid Trends From My Generation:

1. Slap Bracelets

Slap bracelets were huge when I was in elementary school. It's basically a piece of flexible tin wrapped in fabric but that didn't stop every kid from wearing them when I was in elementary. It also didn't stop children from removing the fabric and weaponizing the bracelets like a prison shiv. Not to mention the whole idea was to take that piece of tin and slap it as hard as you can on your wrist.

2. Pogs

The idea behind Pogs (other than being circular pieces of cardboard with pictures on them) was that you would stack up your Pogs upside down against an equal amount of your opponent's Pogs, and then use a heavy "slammer" to knock over as many Pogs as possible. Any Pogs that turned over face up now belonged to you. These bad boys were banned from my school because it was "gambling." They even created a student-run Big Brother organization to rat out the children who were playing with Pogs. They were called, and I'm not joking here, "Red Shirts" because they would wear red t-shirts. We got around the Pog Prohibition by staging fights on the other end of the school yard so that while the adults and newly appointed "Pog Gestapo" were busy breaking up the quarrel, we would play pogs. That's right, I was the Al Capone of Pog bootlegging.

3. Pokemon

I never really got into this one, but my little brother Glen did. He had all the cards and Nintendo Gameboy games, and watched the T.V. show after school. You have to hand it to Japanese marketers though: the idea was brilliant. Have all facets of industry devised around a system whose slogan is "Gotta catch'em all!" Like adult neuroses, it creates a basis that one's self-esteem is reliant on how many fictional monsters it can collect. Either way, it was really stupid.

P.S. - To anyone who read this section and said, "But Neil, those are Yu-Gi0-Oh cards in that picture; not Pokemon!" You should be ashamed of yourself.

4. Reebok Pumps & Air Jordans

Remember Michale Jordan (at least before he grew a Hitler mustache)? Remember shoes that you pumped up so they would cut off circulation to your feet? Well, they were all the rage in the '90s. I remember getting a pair of Reebok Pumps when I was a kid in the actual belief that they would make me jump higher...yes, I was a sucker for marketing when I was seven.

5. Boy Bands

Remember when the only music coming out was manufactured bands filled with sexually ambiguous boys who looked like sexually ambiguous girls with auto-tuned vocals to songs they didn't write? You do? Then stick an ice pick into your eye.

6. TY Beanie Babies

One day my newly married step-brother will have to explain to his wife why he has a storage closet stuffed to the rafters with TY Beanie Babies. My step-mom, step-sister, and step-brother collected these like they were rarities akin to the Shroud of Turin or the Mona Lisa.

People at school would claim that in several years their Beanie Baby would be worth "tons of money." Not sure if the Beanie Babies have become as popular as the lost Charlie Chaplin film but I'm not holding my breath.

As you can see, no matter how stupid some current trends are, we have to admit that ours were just as stupid.

Maybe worse...

Things I Have Accomplished or That Have Been Accomplished In The Amount of Time It Took Me To Find A Parking Space

2010-09-08T22:21:00.000-07:00

Eighty dollars!

I'll say it again,
EIGHTY DOLLARS!!!!

That is how much it costs for a yearly parking pass at UVU.

Fifty minutes!

Once more,
FIFTY MINUTES!!!!

That is how long it took me to find a parking space today! The only parking available was the "Free Parking Lot" that is so far away from the school it requires an airport-style shuttle.

To demonstrate the distance between where there was parking left and where my classes are held, I have made a diagram.

Diagram

I arrived at school like I always do, twenty minutes early. I didn't find a parking space until thirty minutes after classes had started. This is not beneficial to my education, my finances, or my faith in the new university status my college has been given.

Here are a few things that I could have accomplished (or that have been accomplished) in the span of 50 minutes or, in some cases, less.

50 Minute List

1. I could sand and mask the entire front end of a mid-sized sedan. (Approximately 50 minutes)
2. I could have gotten to class on time, taken notes, and not missed a quiz. (30 minutes)
3. I could have avoided the lecture about punctuality that followed. (At least 5 minutes)
4. The Anglo-Zanzibar War. An entire war that was over in less time than it took for me to find parking at a university in Orem, Utah! (A little over in 45 minutes)

5. I could have gone through the McDonald's drive-thru 5 times. (10 minutes each time)

6. I could have jogged off the fat from the McDonald's meal at the gym. (30 minutes on a treadmill...but who am I kidding?)

7. I could have watched all of the first act and most of the second act of The Departed. (50 minutes)

8. I Photoshopped Thomas The Tank Engine into a hoopty in less than fifty minutes. (Less than 50 minutes)

9. I wrote a letter of complaint that will never be read by school administration. Yeah, I'm that guy. (50 minutes)

10. I could have loaded 16 individual bullets into a 9 mm clip and blown out the back of my skull. (50 m...BLAM!)

Now here is the list of things I could have bought with eighty dollars.

$80 Dollar List

1. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 for the PS3. ($59.99)

2. One pair of jeans from The Buckle. ($72.50)

3. 8,000 penny candies. ($80)

4. Sauteed duck in Port reduction sauce, a Gulf Shrimp cocktail appetizer, and a whole bottle of Cabernet. ($65 for the meal $15 for the tip)

5. I could have paid for a massage for both Erin and me. ($40)

6. I could have paid for one massage with a happy ending for me. ($80)

7. I could have bought twenty previously owned DVDs. ($80)

8. Donated $80 to a charity of my choice. ($80)

9. Taken Erin out on a nice...ish date. ($5, no tip)

10. Bought the gun and bullets (see list item #10 on 50 minute list above). ($80)

Either way I was screwed out of almost an hour of my day and $80 from my bank account.

DAMN YOU, UVU PARKING!!!!

MY Production Blog

2010-08-25T10:35:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone. As you know I am studying film at UVU now and for one of my classes (and for myself) I am making a production blog. So, hopefully, I will be posting my work on there for the next few months. You can check it out (Nothing really posted on there yet) at:

www.neilhiattproductions.blogspot.com

25 Years...More Than I Expected. (Written on My Birthday)

2010-08-15T21:55:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up and said to myself, "Happy Birthday, Neil. You're a quarter of a century old today." Then I thought of all the new freedoms that surviving this extra year brings. Like the ability to rent a car...and that's about it.

So in honor of my 25 years of existence I will toot my own proverbial horn and list 25 things I have accomplished so far. Then, I will list 25 things I want to accomplish in the next 25 years.

25 Accomplishments

1. I survived to 25 (Honestly, I really thought I would be dead by now.)
2. I went on tour of the western United States with a punk band when I was 17.
3. I've written at least 25 songs in my life (how's that for serendipitous?)
4. I've recorded 5 CDs with three different bands. (Here are two of them: 1 & 2)
5. I've learned how to play 2 different instruments (Guitar and Bass)
6. In the eighth grade I had a one-act play published in a writing magazine.
7. I've performed in at least 8 stage plays in starring roles (one of them Shakespearean.)
8. I was in a seminary video.
9. I've been in 4 commercials (2 Smith's, 1 nutrition, and a Utah Starzz commercial.)
10. I was in an English as a second language video.
11. When I was 14 I modeled for a mobile basketball stand box.
12. I graduated from high school.
13. I was in a Feature Films For Families Movie (For Sale Online here...warning, I was 14 when I made it and I overacted like HELL! So cut me some slack please.) ;oP
14. I am a stand-up comic.
15. I headlined a comedy club when I was 18.
16. I've participated in 3 comedy competitions and have won 2 of them.
17. When I was 19 I went on a small comedy tour of the western United States.
18. I have opened for Lewis Black, Jamie Kennedy, Big Jay Okerson, and other great comics.
19. My friends and I won a short film competition with this video (Note that video is three years old, so the quality isn't that great...sorry.)
20. I was a soccer referee for 3 years.
21. I met David Sedaris.
22. When I was 15 I bought a wrecked car with my own money and fixed it up (and I have done that with the last 3 cars I have owned.)
23. I booked comics for dances and parties thrown by utahparties.com
24. Last summer I went to New York City!
25. I've been accepted into UVU's film program.

25 Goals/Hopes For Before I Turn 50:

1. Graduate from college.
2. Move out of Utah.
3. Get Married.
4. Write 25 more songs.
5. Write a feature film length screenplay.
6. Get a film produced.
7. Direct a film. Non-Pornographic only.
8. Write a novel.
9. Lose 50 Pounds!!!!
10. Work on a real film crew.
11. Buy a house.
12. Own a miniature goat as a pet.
13. Travel to France.
14. Travel to Germany.
15. Travel to Ireland.
16. Travel to England. Or to a lesser extent...Canada.
17. Build houses and schools in Africa.
18. Start the Chelsea Anderson Memorial Scholarship.
19. Meet Quentin Tarantino.
20. Meet Christopher Nolan.
21. Get a film submitted or work on a film that gets into Sundance or Cannes.
22. Learn to speak another language fluently. Learn how to speak English too.
23. Go skydiving.
24. Write a musical.
25. Master Final Cut Pro, Photoshop, and all other Apple/Adobe products!

So in closing...Happy Birthday to Me.

Thank You,

Neil Hiatt, Age 25

Things I Never Thought I Would Hear...Until I Worked At Blockbuster

2010-07-31T23:29:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had or overheard a conversation and immediately thought, "What the Fu#K was that all about?" Ever since I started working part time at Blockbuster I've had several of those moments. Here are a few that I will share with you.

1. A conversation between two women talking in line about a bachelor party her husband was throwing that night:

Lady #1: "So, are you mad about your husband's party?"

Lady #2: "No, I don't even care about the strippers. I just want the house clean for the baby blessing tomorrow. You know how it is though, party hard Saturday because Church is on Sunday."

2. My co-worker's sister was having a baby. Mind you, I had only known this person for a few hours when she yelled the following statement to me from across the room:

My Co-worker: "Neil, my sister is dilated 7 centimeters right now."

My Brain: "GAAAAAHHHHH!!!!"

My Mouth: "...oh."

3. While I was stocking shelves I heard a woman say the following about why she didn't want to rent a certain movie:

Woman: "I love Meryl Streep, but she is just SOOOO liberal!"

4. A little boy, around 8 or 9 said this while looking for a movie with his babysitter:

Babysitter: "How about Tommy Boy? You love Tommy Boy."

Non P.C. Boy: "That's Gay. All of these movies are gay, and you are gay for liking them."

5. A random statement I could never agree with:

Man with Bad Taste in Comedians: "That Larry the Cable Guy sure is funny! Get-er-done!"

6. All DVD and Blu-Ray rentals are $4.00 for four days. It has been that way for over a year now, but this woman decided to complain about it to me anyway:

Cheapskate Woman: "Four dollars for a movie rental?"

Me: "Yes, it's $4.00 for four days. So really only a dollar a day."

Cheapskate Woman: "Fine! I will do it this once but I am NEVER coming back here again."

(Cut to a week later, when the same woman is renting her third movie for that week.)

Cheapskate (and now unable to follow through with a threat) Woman: "Four dollars for a rental? Are you serious? I am NEVER coming back here again!"

7. If you don't have your Blockbuster Card we can use your driver's licence to pull up your account. If you don't have either a Blockbuster Card or driver's licence, I can't pull your account up. But some people are wary of giving me their driver's licences for some reason...:

Me: "Hello, do you have your Blockbuster Card or driver's license with you today?"

Afraid I Will Steal His Identity Man: "Why do you need my drivers licence?"

Me: "Well, if you don't have your blockbuster card I need it to pull up your account."

Still Afraid I Will Steal His Identity Man: "I've never heard of that."

Me: "It's just store policy, sir."

Continually Afraid I Will Steal His Identity Man: "I will just take my business elsewhere."

8. This one gets "The Most Awkward Award." I was standing at the register when two men from the same ward ran into each other. Note - I was standing literally in the middle of this conversation:

Guy #1: "Holy crap, (Guy #2's Name Deleted) how are you?"

Guy #2: "Oh, (Guy #1's Name Deleted) I didn't see you there. I'm good! What's new?"

Guy #1: "Just returning some movies. Where is (Guy #2 wife's name deleted)? We haven't seen her around this week."

Guy #2: "She is visiting her father."

Guy #1: "(Gasp) Is he sick?"

Guy #2: "No."

Guy #1: "Is it a family function?"

Guy #2: "No."

Guy #1: "When will she be back?"

Guy #2: "...Never. She's not coming back."

(There was an excruciating pause here, I am talking about a half a minute of silence as Guy #1's eyes looked as if they would pop out of his head. For some reason this is where I decided to contribute to the conversation...)

Me: "For only $3.00 more you can get a 20 oz. soda, a box of candy, and a popcorn."

(In my panic, I decided the best thing to do while these two men and myself were trapped in what might possibly be the most awkward conversation of my life, was to up-sell candy, popcorn, and soda to Guy #2...classy...always classy.)

9. A woman had just moved into a new ward and was having trouble, so a fellow member was giving her counsel (it was sweet, really...but the word choice was poor.)

Helpful Man From Ward: "There are a lot of good people in this ward. People desperate to reach out and touch you...so please, let them touch you."

10. Finally, my personal favorite, there was a customer leaving the store who had just rented a movie...this movie...
Zalman King's Body Language

From what I can gather on IMDB and from the gratuitous box cover, Body Language is a series revolving around a strip club aptly named, "Body Language." One review about the show says, "It features some really good nudity and simulated sex...shows full female genitalia..."
I only mention this because while the man who rented Body Language was about to exit the building, another customer from across the room called out to him:
Man Calling Out: "Hey Bishop! It's good to see you!"
Bishop Who Just Rented Soft-Core Porn: (Turns around) "Good to see you too..." (abruptly leaves the store)
(I could see someone not knowing what they just rented and mistakenly picking up something like that on accident...but, with the picture on the movie's cover, the name of the film, and the distinct description on the back of the box...I'm going to skip giving this guy the benefit of the doubt.)

So, in closing, please be aware of what you say in public settings. Because you never know who might be listening, watching, and wringing their hands together in anticipation to post your insane lack of people skills on the web.

Things In My Life I Hope I NEVER Say...

2010-07-05T01:40:00.001-07:00

Neil Hiatt's List Of Phrases He Hopes Will Never Be Said By Him:

1. Wow, Twilight was an awesome movie! Hey guys!

2. I really enjoyed reading Twilight! Congratulations on finding the hidden message in my blog!

3. I'm team Jacob & team Edward! I wanted to tell you all how much I dislike Glenn Beck.

4. I'd love to join your multi-level-marketing team! I know a lot of you like him and that's okay.

5. I can't wait for the Republican National Convention this year or the Democratic National Convention for that matter. But I find his views to be unfounded, divisive, and fear mongering.

6. The way Stephanie Myer writes is just so poignant and in no way loathsome.

7. I love reality TV! Plus, he seems to flip flop on issues based on who is paying him.

8. LOL! Once again, it's okay for you to like him, just like it is okay for me to dislike him.

9. Every time I watch American Idol I feel a sense of pride for my country. I just feel....

10. You know, after a while, I hardly even notice my colostomy bag anymore.

11. When I think of open minded and tolerant people, I think of Utah. that a lot of people here...

12. Twilight is in no way misogynistic. Also, the main characters have a healthy man dominates female relationship. in Utah like him because he is Mormon and that just isn't enough for me.

13. That Arizona sure does have the right idea. Just MY opinion and if it offends you I'm sorry.

14. I've got tickets to Hannah Montana and YOU are invited! But not too sorry.

15. Who wants to go see a spoof movie? Thanks for reading, love you all, Neil Hiatt.

All in good fun no harm intended!

Good Night,

Neil Hiatt

"What are you going to do with that?"

2010-07-02T03:52:00.000-07:00

The Greek philosopher Epictetus once said, "Only the educated are free."
If that's so, then who are the educated?

It seems that no matter how much I learn or by what means I learn it, there will always be someone there to tell me it's not enough.

At the moment, I am a mere stone's throw away from receiving my bachelor's degree, debt free, might I add, and have considered attending graduate school afterwards.

When friends, family, or acquaintances ask me what I am studying, I tell them, "Digital Media with an emphasis in film production," and their reactions have varied in some disturbing ways, ranging from smug self-righteousness to outright rudeness.

Here are a few choice remarks I have received and in the way I received them.

1. Their noses crinkle up as if they have just smelled a fart and say, "Oh...that's..." and then move on to talk to someone else.

2. They just roll their eyes and say, "So it's, some kind of art degree or whatever?"

3. They scoff and say, "So, what are you going to do with that?"

4. "Can you even make money with that?"

5. "Well that's stupid. But if you wanna walk that line..."

Let me take some time to answer a few of the questions posted.

First, no, it's not an "art degree." It's a bachelor of computer science. But even if it were "just an art degree" what the f$ck would that matter to you? Have you taken the time to search for the thousands of jobs in that field? Well, then shut the hell up.

Second, to the question, "What are you going to do with that?" Well, since it is a film degree, the goal would be to MAKE FILMS!

Third, as for money, whether or not I end up actually making films, my degree has trained me in several other fields including, but not limited to, graphic design, web design, audio, and overall digital production.
So, while I thank you for your pseudo-concern, I think I will be just fine...moving on.

It's upsetting to me that the choices I make concerning my education can illicit such a negative response from some people.

What's even more upsetting is that the people who have a smug attitude toward my choices are really in no position to judge me.

For example, in the last two weeks I have had some of these smug comments and judgments passed on me by:

1. A 30-year-old jr. high school teacher who has to have roommates live with him and his wife just so he can pay bills.

2. A massage therapy school graduate who never got her licence. (Not dissing massage school here, just if you are going to go...why not finish?)

3. A freaking migrant worker who gets paid half of what I made in high school!

Look, I don't care if these people don't make good money or if they didn't finish school, or if they can't pronounce my name correctly in English...but are they really in any position to talk down to me about my life? I think not. It's akin to that old adage about people in glass houses and not throwing rocks.

I'm sorry if the world crushed you and your dreams...or if not, I'm sorry you never tried because you were, and probably still are, afraid to fail.
I myself am afraid of failure just as much as the next person, but I'd rather fail a thousand times than ever live my life thinking "what if."
And just because you can't wrap your head around why I would study a field that I love and connect with on an emotional level, that doesn't mean you have to transfer your insecurities onto me. Because let me tell you, I am bullet proof, and it only makes me want to prove you wrong more than ever.

So, regardless of whether or not I succeed, and whether or not you believe in my abilities, I will continue to chase my dream until my legs give out.

And as for the naysayers...

With Love,

Neil Spencer Hiatt

The Payson Poof

2010-06-30T22:23:00.000-07:00

I want to talk to you about a strange phenomenon I have noticed while living in Utah.

If you have ever taken a drive southward from Salt Lake City to Las Vegas you might notice a cultural change...especially in hairstyles!

For example, let's say you were in Salt Lake City. This might be the typical hairstyle you would see there...

Salt Lake

Notice how the hair is neatly cut and styled. Not at all poofy and contains very little hair spray.

Now, here is a Provo Hairstyle.

Provo

Okay, the hair is a little bigger and has a some more hairspray. Also, the hair seems a tad-bit self-righteous...

Here is a Spanish Fork hair style

Spanish Fork

Big difference here. Notice how the height has increased exponentially as well as the amount of hairspray and angst.

Now onto the Payson example

Payson

WOW, the height of the hair has reached epic proportions, and hairspray levels can now be picked up on most Geiger counters.

Finally, Nephi

Nephi

Oh my God! Run! Run for your lives! It has become self aware and is feeding!

So, as you can tell, there is a pattern here: The farther south you go in Utah, the higher the hair poof gets and the more hairspray is applied.

And, it follows a Bell curve. As you approach Nevada the hair begins to descend again as shown on this graph...

For Example, here is a photograph of a hairstyle in Las Vegas, c/o Ryan Reason Photography

Las Vegas

Notice how the hair has rested back into a regular size with less hairspray. Also, you should notice that this hair is a naughty girl.

So in conclusion, much like Stonehenge, the statues at Easter Island, and Bigfoot the "Payson Poof" is one of those wonders of the world that neither science or logic will ever figure out.

Why A.D.D Can Kiss My A...S...S!

2010-06-29T23:58:00.000-07:00

"You have A.D.D."

She just came out and said it as if she were stating a fact and not an assumption. My mother might as well have said, "Neil, 2+2 = 4, and you have A.D.D."

I cocked my head to the side, my face slowly collapsing on itself from the mere weight of her words, which were still drifting back and forth in the air as if they had been hanged for treason...and rightfully so.

"Excuse me?" I asked.

We were driving to Kohler's Food Store in Highland. I was invited under the pretense that a movie rental would be involved only to find out this was one of my mother's classic "bait and switch" methods. She would invite you for something fun or interesting but end up giving you bad news or take you to a secret family therapy meeting instead, much like one would dupe a drug addict into an intervention...only I was fourteen and the hardest drug I had tried at that time was Advil.

She continued, "I read somewhere that people who have A.D.D. argue, and you argue, so you have A.D.D." It's this kind of logical fallacy and circular reasoning that has started wars and crusades, yet she blames me for starting arguments.

(Note: At this point in time I would like to point out my mother's credentials. Her name has never had a prefix like Dr. or a suffix like M.D. attached to it. She has a bachelors degree in office management and at best has worked in different secretarial and administrative assistant jobs most of her life. Which is fine when paying for groceries but fails to qualify her to make a professional medical diagnosis.)

"You're going in next week to get tested."

And that was it, at least for the moment. I was sent in to get tested for A.D.D.

The doctor diagnosed, "He does not have A.D.D., nor does he need to be on medication."

This, apparently, was not a good enough answer for my mother. She then called my school and demanded I be accommodated for A.D.D. (Note: I had a 3.0 average at this time and was getting along with all of my teachers.) They held an accommodation meeting at the school which included the school board, all of my teachers, my mother, my father, and step-mother...pretty much everyone but me. At this point I didn't even know there was a meeting.

It was here that she took a turn from parenting into "Oh my God, she did what?" territory.

My mother showed up to the accommodation hearing, fresh from having plastic surgery, with a letter from the doctor, you know the one who said I DIDN'T HAVE A.D.D.? Saying I needed to be accommodated for A.D.D.

This came as a shock to my teachers, all of which had nothing but good things to say about me, the school board, who have the records of my G.P.A., and my father, who was in the office with me when the doctor said I didn't have A.D.D.

So, as in typical fashion, they put the issue to a vote. The entire room voted AGAINST accommodating me because they all believed, and quite correctly, that I didn't have a learning disability or A.D.D...did I say the entire room voted against it? I'm sorry, I am forgetting one person...my mother was the only vote in favor.

(Note: immediately after the accommodation hearing my father and step-mother went to the Dr. who wrote the notes' office and asked him why he had written it. Come to find out, my mother had called his office every day for the last month and held him on the phone. And I quote, "That woman held me on the phone for 50 minutes, 50 minutes...so, finally I just gave her what she wanted so the school would accommodate him." Malpractice issues aside...what a douchebag!)

Still not satisfied, my mother took me to yet another therapist, where, without getting tested she said, "My son has A.D.D. and needs to be medicated," to which the doctor insanely replied, "Okay."

I was placed on a moderate dose of Ritalin, God's gift to lazy parenting. After three months there was NO CHANGE, except I couldn't stop my teeth from chattering, and it kept me from sleeping...ever!

It was during a routine doctor's appointment that my father had driven me to when it came out I was on Ritalin. My father, who didn't know about the new doctor or the Ritalin, then told me about the accommodation hearing...and it was here that I stopped taking my pills. I asked the new therapist the next week to test me for A.D.D. and informed him of the accommodation hearing and the previous doctor's diagnosis. He tested me...and concluded that I DID NOT HAVE A.D.D. AND DIDN'T HAVE TO BE MEDICATED!

(Note: so what's the count here? Two Doctors, a school board, my teachers, my father and step-mother all saying I don't have A.D.D...My mother still says I do. They have a word for this in the English language: it's called crazy.)

Anyway, I only bring this up because aside from graduating from high school with a 3.0 I have, for the last THREE SEMESTERS in college, acquired a 4.0 and am one semester away from being on the DEAN'S LIST at UVU!

This should put the proverbial nail in the coffin to the notion of me EVER having a learning disability and should shed a strong light on the negative effects of using drugs as a last ditch effort to control someone's personality for selfish reasons.

But as with time I move on now, a damn-fine student, a good person, and with the weight-lifting reassurance that right is on my side.

Love always,

Neil Spencer Hiatt

P.S. A new and interesting fact about Ritalin...It stunts growth. Thanks, Mom.

Fun With Photoshop 2

2010-06-25T22:27:00.000-07:00

"The creative person is both more primitive and more cultivated, more destructive, a lot madder and a lot saner, than the average person."

- Frank Barron

One of these days my moral compass will set itself right, and I will no longer have this damnable need to say, write, film, or post every idea that pops into my head.

Hopefully, by the time I find myself in a right state of mind I will have long been dead.

So, without further interruption,

Neil Hiatt's Latest Photoshop Playground (All Originals)

1. Mein Kitten, by Adolf Hitler

For me, when hatred and evil block all roads ahead, I find the best thing to do is laugh. It takes away the evil-doers' power over you and makes their ridiculous presence as meaningless as it should be.

2. In His Own Words

The term "puppet-regime" has been thrown around a lot for this fellow.

So I created a fake book for him.

3. Vamp-Balls

A website I frequent with great joy is Cracked.com.

Every month they hold a Photoshop contest,

and this is an entry I created for next month's "If you could create anything in pill form" contest.

4. Optimus Purim

Purim is one of the most joyous and fun holidays on the Jewish calendar.

It commemorates a time when the Jewish people living in Persia were saved from extermination...Optimus Prime is a Transformer.

5. Anti-Smoking Ad For School

For anyone who doesn't know me, I HATE anti-smoking ads. But since this was a required assignment for my photography class I reluctantly played along.

6. Panoramic (Click On Photo To See Full Size)

This was a panoramic picture assignment in my photography class. I compiled six different photos in Photoshop to make this one of the Spanish Fork valley.

8. Gay Transformers: "Robots Into Guys"

The old Transformers cartoon theme song went, "Transformers: Robots in Disguise."

Like so:

But my friends Devin, Kyle, Brad, and I started saying, "Gay Transformers: Robots into Guys."

So I made this one to go along with that.

9. Cheer Up Keanu Day (My Contribution)

A little while ago a picture was taken of Keanu Reeves looking sad on a bench. So, someone on the internet decided to make it "Cheer Up Keanu Day." This was my contribution.

Anyways, these were fun to make and I hope you enjoyed looking at them.

Thank you!

Love,

Neil Spencer Hiatt

A Few Flix I Am Excited For...NOT TWILIGHT!

2010-06-24T13:45:00.001-07:00

"A film is never really good unless the camera is an eye in the head of a poet."

- Orson Welles (Director of Citizen Kane)

Ladies and Gentlemen...the summer movies have officially kicked off (girlish scream!)

We've had a pretty slow start this summer--with the exception of Iron Man 2, which rocked my socks--with a paltry June lineup of duds (which saddens me because I expected more out of Shrek 4 and The A-Team), but with Toy Story 3's release, and its positive box office draw and stellar reviews, Summer, (at least for me), has officially started.

But with the summer movies well on their way, here are a few that I am really excited for...

Neil Hiatt's List Of Movies He Is Jacked About

1. Inception (July 16th)

Inception is the highly anticipated new film from writer/director Christopher Nolan (director of The Dark Knight, Batman Begins, Memento, The Prestige, Insomnia, and Following). Christopher Nolan has become a rock star of the cinema in recent years with his deeply visual and character-driven films. With his knack for incredible storytelling, he has rarely in his career given a movie that he hasn't poured his whole heart into, and it definitely shows on screen.

As for Inception, Warner Brothers has kept a pretty tight lid on the overall plot of this mind-bending thriller. As much as I can piece together, Inception is about a team of thieves, but not your typical kind. These criminals steal ideas from the subconscious of people in a dream state. It looks like the kind of movie for which you will have to put your thinking caps on and NOT TALK IN THE THEATER. Inception stars Leonardo DiCaprio, Ken Watanabe, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ellen Page, and Michael Caine.

2. Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World (August 13th)

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World is about Scott Pilgrim, played by Michael Cera (Arrested Development, Juno), who must defeat his new girlfriend's seven evil ex-boyfriends to win her heart. I know that doesn't sound very awesome...but here is the kicker. First, it's based off a very successful and entertaining comic book that fuses video game style fight sequences, pop culture, music, and interesting characters into a fun story. Second, the movie has been directed and co-written by Edgar Wright of Shawn of The Dead and Hot Fuzz fame. Not to mention that Edgar Wright held a private screening of the film for the holy trinity of writer/directors Quentin Tarantino (Pulp Fiction, Inglourious Basterds, Kill Bill 1 & 2), Jason Reitman (Up In The Air, Juno, Thank You For Smoking), and Kevin Smith (Clerks), all of whom gave the film glowing reviews.

3. Predators (July 9th)

Predators is about a group of trained warriors and killers who wake up on a strange planet only to find out they are being hunted by something dangerous.
Predators, a sequel in the Predator franchise, is produced by Robert Rodriguez (Once Upon A Time In Mexico & Sin City) and directed by Nimrod Antal (Kontroll).

4. The Expendables (August 13th)

This one is a guilty pleasure for me. The Expendables is a balls-to-the-wall action movie written by, directed by, and starring Sylvester Stallone (Rocky). Oh yeah, did I mention it also stars Jet Li (Unleashed), Dolph Lundgren (Rocky IV), and Jason Statham (Snatch), with appearances by Bruce Willis (Die Hard) and Arnold Schwarzenegger (EVERY ACTION MOVIE EVER!)? Is there a plot to this movie? Probably...but who cares; it's a freaking action movie!

5. Tron Legacy (December 17th...I know December is not Summer but I AM excited for this movie).

Tron: Legacy is the sequel to the movie Tron. It's funny to see how far special effects have come from the first film, considering how groundbreaking they were originally. But with original cast members returning, Oscars in tow, might I add, this one looks like it just might blow some minds.

6. The Green Hornet (January 14th - Shut up about these months not being in Summer already)

The Green Hornet is based off of the 1966 television series that launched Bruce Lee's career. It is about a young, wealthy newspaper owner Brit Reid and his assistant, Kato, who masquerade as crime fighters by night.

The most interesting thing about this reboot is that it is written by and starring Seth Rogen...the originally overweight, dick and fart joke telling, king of blue humor movies such as Knocked Up, Zac and Miri Make A Porno, and The 40 Year Old Virgin. But, he has lost a ton of weight to play this role and odd casting should never sway you from seeing a movie (e.g. Heath Ledger as the Joker.) So, odd casting aside, what does this movie have going for it? Well, three things: 1. The main villain is played by none other than Oscar winner Christoph Waltz (Inglourious Basterds) who played the downright evil Col. Hans Landa last year. 2. The director of the film is Michel Gondry, the visually stunning director of Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind. 3. Just look at that trailer. It might just be awesome.

7. Red (October 15th - I was using Summer as a framing device for hell's sake!)

RED stands for Retired & Extremely Dangerous. It's based off of the DC comic book series of the same name. In Red a group of former black-ops badasses reassemble to take on a high-tech assassin. For a comic book flick, it sure does boast an A-list cast, including Bruce Willis (Die Hard), Morgan Freeman (The Shawshank Redemption), John Malkovich (Burn After Reading), and recent Oscar winner Helen Mirren (The Last Station). That's right, Ms. High Society herself, Helen Mirren, is going to play a badass...if that doesn't put your butt into the theatre, then I don't know what will, and may God have mercy on you.

Well, in the upcoming months ahead I hope that none of these films will disappoint...But, only time, and my movie snobbery, will tell.

The Mountain Goats

2010-06-17T10:39:00.000-07:00

There comes a time in your life when you stumble upon something that rings so eerily true to your life it's frightening.

That is how I felt listening to The Mountain Goats for the first time.

The Mountain Goats consists of singer-songwriter John Darnielle, bassist Peter Hughes, and drummer Jon Wurster, with Darnielle acting as lead singer, guitarist, writer, composer, and pianist.

Behind the upbeat tempo and melody lie John Darnielle's hauntingly poetic lyrics, telling stories of love, loss, child abuse, and just getting the Hell out of where you are.

My first experience with The Mountain Goats was the song "No Children," an unflinching narrative on divorce and saying exactly what the couple is feeling.

(No Children from the album Tallahassee)

It was these painfully honest lyrics that drew me to The Mountain Goats, but it's not just the angst ridden songs that kept me interested.

Take these two songs for example...

Song 1

(San Bernardino from the album Heretic Pride)

San Bernardino is about a young, unmarried, pregnant couple who delivers their baby in a hotel room off of the interstate. Even though no one believes in them, they believe in each other.

Song 2

(Woke Up New from the album Get Lonely)

Woke Up New is song about overcoming fear and moving on after a separation. In my mind, this song is what the characters from No Children thought the day after the other was gone. (Note: the music video posted above was directed by Rian Johnson of Brick and The Brothers Bloom Fame. Sorry about the bad quality, though...YouTube troubles.)

It is with great respect that I add John Darnielle to the list of people I admire.

It's his ability to take his life experiences and then say more in two minutes than most musicians could say in twenty albums. More than that, he puts on one hell of a live show.

I know this because I saw The Mountain Goats perform last night at The Urban Lounge.

(Note: while The Urban Lounge has great sound and a close proximity to the musicians, there were a SHIT-LOAD of people who thought it would be appropriate to carry on loud conversations throughout The Mountain Goats' set...MAJOR FAUX PAS!)

Erin and I went with our friends Brad, Libby, and Joel (short for Joelbert.)

The show got off to a late start (doors opened at nine...opening band went on at 10:00 P.M.) with the opening band The Beets from Queens, New York. The Beets reminded me of a cross between Ween and Daniel Johnston but with tighter pants and less artistic credibility, but nevertheless they put on a decent show.

After a short break, a sudden blast of Iron Maiden came through the speakers signaling The Mountain Goats to the stage.

Throughout the night they played a wide range of their popular songs as well as some new ones. Sometimes full band, sometimes just John Darnielle, and at one point he even came out into the audience and screamed his lyrics into Joel's, Erin's, and Libby's faces (what showmanship!) Coupled together with the stories shared by Mr. Darnielle, it was a spectacular concert and a great experience to see one of my idols in action.

He explained how he even recorded a song from his recent album in Salt Lake City. He had the idea for it on the tour bus while reading the Bible and watching Italian horror movies simultaneously, and once they pulled into Salt Lake they dropped into a studio and recorded a demo.

At the end of the night he took the time to sign autographs, and I was glad to see how down to Earth he was, especially since he has fans in higher places than Utah.

Namely, Stephen Colbert and his patented Colbert Bump.

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

John Darnielle

www.colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor

Fox News

"Is that all you've got old man? As you shake your fist at God."

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

The Mountain Goats - Psalms 40:2

www.colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor

Fox News

All-in-all it was a fantastic night filled with music, friends, and autographs...

Next concert...BEN FOLDS WITH THE UTAH SYMPHONY!!!!

Top 10 TV Shows From Across The Ocean!

2010-06-10T12:27:00.000-07:00

Television, idiot-box, boob tube, TV, telly, baby-sitter.

It's the reason we set our Tivo. Hell, it's the reason we even have Tivo.

Television is the best friend of the American middle class.

Fun Fact: At one point in time Television sets would emit enough radiation to be picked up on a Geiger counter.

But, some of us are limited to only what we are shown here in these United States.

Fun Fact: Television shows are also made in the United Kingdom. In fact, a lot of the shows we have here in America are remakes of U.K. shows. Not to mention the censorship in the U.K. is a lot more relaxed than it is here in America.

So, here is my list of Awesome Telly shows from the U.K.

Neil Hiatt's List Of 10 Awesome U.K. Television Shows

1. Spaced

Written by Simon Pegg and Jessica Hynes, and directed by Edgar wright.

Here is a clip from Spaced where Tim is ranting about Star Wars: Episode I.

Before there was Hot Fuzz and Shaun of The Dead, there was Spaced.

Spaced follows the adventures of Tim and Daisy, who rent a flat under the pretenses that they are a couple. I know that sounds cliché, but honestly that plot point is hardly brought up in the show. Spaced is an homage to several pop-culture mash ups, including, but not limited to, Star Wars, Goodfellas, Pulp Fiction, Star Trek, and Dawn of The Dead , just to name a few. The show is littered with interesting characters like Marsha the alcoholic landlady, Brian the troubled artist, Twist (Daisy's best friend), and Mike the gun-crazy best friend. Between clever writing and stellar perfromances from the cast, Spaced makes it very high on my must see U.K. TV list.

2. The I.T. Crowd

Here is a clip from I.T. Crowd Spoofing Anti-Piracy Ads.

The I.T. Crowd is a show about two computer nerds working in the Information Technologies basement of the spurious Reynholm Industries. Their boss, Jen Barber, is computer illiterate but holds the whole group together. I typically don't like "taped in front of a studio audience" TV shows, but this one has gags in top form.

3. The Office (U.K.)

A Clip from the U.K. Office (Jim is Tim in this version and Dwight is Gareth.)

No, I am not one of those people who thinks the British version is better than the American version and vice versa. But you have to respect where the American version comes from. Thank you, Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant, for creating this masterpiece.

4. Garth Marenghi's Dark Place

A clip from Garth Marenghi's Dark Place (the bad dialogue, acting, and editing is intentional.)

Now here is a show that was WAY ahead of its time.

Garth Marenghi's Dark Place is a spoof TV series about an unearthed '80s horror TV show, complete with intentional poor production values, awful dialogue, bad acting, and hilarious violence. The series is set in a hospital in Romford, which is situated over the gates of Hell.

5. Fawlty Towers

A Portion of John Cleese's Fawlty Towers.

Fawlty Towers is a television show created by John Cleese and his now ex-wife Connie Booth. Post-Monty Python, Fawlty Towers is a show about hotel owner Basil Fawlty's incompetence, short fuse, and arrogance, and how they form a combination that ensures that accidents and trouble are never far away.

6. Mr. Bean

Clip of Mr. Bean painting his house.

I watched this show on those late nights I couldn't sleep. It ran on PBS after Red Dwarf and Monty Python's Flying Circus. A hilarious show of ingenuity and very little brain power, Mr. Bean is about a man named Mr. Bean with a child-like nature. When faced with life's problems, he'll always be sure to come up with something inventive to assist him. Starring the ever-funny Rowan Atkinson.

7. Red Dwarf

The ship's robot goes through Psych counseling.

A show about the adventures of the last human being alive and his friends, stranded three million years into deep space on the mining ship Red Dwarf.

8. Monty Python's Flying Circus

My Favorite Monty Python sketch Upper-class Twit of The Year.

Before the Holy Grail there was the Flying Circus. The original surreal sketch comedy showcase for the Monty Python troupe.

9. The Thin Blue Line

Funny moments from The Thin Blue Line.

Another Rowan Atkinson show, The Thin Blue Line involves various mishaps at a police station in an English hamlet. The main character is the anachronistic yet charming and funny Inspector Fowler. As a foil to Fowler, Inspector Grim is a bumbling, seething idiot.

10. The Black Adder

Funny moments from The Black Adder.

Finally, and, of course, another Rowan Atkinson-created show (co-created with Richard Curtis of Love Actually fame). Black Adder is about how Prince Edmund, a.k.a. the Black Adder, constantly schemes to take the crown from his father and brother with the help of Lord Percy and Baldrick.

There you have it, folks. The tip-top from the Brit-top.

Happy Watching,

Neil Hiatt

Fun With Photoshop...Some Old, Some New!

2010-06-09T21:16:00.001-07:00

Here is a recent quote from my girlfriend, Erin, "Your school [UVU] has released a strange evil on the world by teaching you Photoshop."

So, behold my wrath!
(Some of these you might have seen before, but I don't care, it's my work...enjoy.)

(Jesus With The Stars)

I created this one for my post about Buzz Aldrin on Dancing With The Stars.

(Paddy O'Diddy)

My sister McCall wrote that she "did an Irish ditty." I created this and asked her if she was sure it wasn't an "Irish Diddy."

(B.Y.U To The Future)

An idea I had when realizing how backwards some of the people at B.Y.U. are.

(Thomas The Tank Engine Gets Tricked Out)

I saw this video case when my sister McCall was watching it with her son, so I made some additions.

(The Holy Trinity)

Created for my Digital Media class.

There are several crazy ideas bouncing around in my head, and I hope one day to dedicate an entire post of new Photoshop evils...but for now, these should suffice.

Children: What A Bunch of Bastards

2010-06-09T13:03:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess we should make it official.

It is June 11th, 2010

11:47 P.M.

48 Degrees, partly cloudy...and I hate children.

To clarify, when I say, "I hate children" that's not to imply that I want any harm to come upon them. I just dislike everything about them.

The thing I dislike the most about children is how everyone expects me to want one (or, in some cases, eleven). It's as if they want me to come to this decision like I would a lunch order: "Let's see, I'll have the eggs Benedict with a side of bacon, oh, and a bundle of children please. Thank you."

Every wedding, funeral, birthday, arbor day, etc., I run into family members with dozens of screaming, crying, crawling tots, and all they can talk about is how they can't wait to have more. The bags under their eyes are dark and seething with loss, their bank accounts drained, speech slurred, and pride stripped from them with every children's DVD set on repeat...my God, it sounds like a gas! No matter how mute I tend to stay on the subject it always comes around the room to me, where I am asked, "I bet you can't wait to be a parent, right? How many children do you want?"

And it is without any sarcasm or smug satisfaction that I answer, "Well...none, really."

The gasps are always audible...

They light the fires, grab their pitchforks, and fall upon me like an ocean of self-righteousness.

"How could you not want children? Children are beautiful and loving gifts from God! You must be crazy!" This usually comes after I have sat back and watched them scream at their own children to behave for the last ten hours. "Come back here! Now! I will count to three, and then you will be sorry! One...Two...Two and a half...I'm serious here! Get that out of your mouth, now!" They shout, their voices hoarse and falling on deaf ears as the child bolts around like a sugar-fueled animal.

Always screaming, wailing, and gnashing their teeth, the children will pick up and hurl anything they can put their tiny hands on.

It isn't until after, out of sheer exhaustion, the child passes out into a coma-like slumber that the parent finally says, "Isn't he/she precious? Look at him/her sleeping."

What was that? Your child is only precious to you when it's motionless, quiet, has a slowed heart beat and shallow breath, and is mimicking DEATH?

What does that say about your miniature bundle of God's love?

You have to understand here that I don't think people who have children are stupid. Nor do I think that wanting children is a bad thing either, so please stop loading your guns, and put the restraining orders on back burner.

If you choose to have children, then MORE POWER TO YOU! Hell, for every child I don't have, you can have five. How does that sound? Pretty darn good to me!

Also, I am not writing this post about any one child in particular. Trust me, my antagonism towards children is all encompassing. Be you relative, acquaintance, or one of the many children running around Walmart bumping into everyone like you own the fuc$ing place.

Now, I can guess what you are thinking here: "Neil, children aren't all bad. Yes, they are obstinate for a few years, but then they are sweet as kittens."

So let me get this straight, after they are four, they turn into docile cuteness factories? Pumping out rainbows and sunshine kisses from their asses?

But what about when they hit those years? You know which ones I am talking about, around age 12 for boys and as early as 6 or 7 for girls...puberty!

Well, I'll tell you what happens, your rainbow-shitting progeny turns on you!

Your young adults will be well on their way to becoming self-absorbed and foaming at the mouth over everything you do. So it's just a matter of time before Mommy and Daddy's little angel murders you for taking away their video games, murders you for making them do chores, stops talking to you, or puts you in a nursing home.

You want to know what the strangest part of all of this is?

I am fantastic with kids...seriously!

It's proof that God has a sense of humor.

It's true. At family vacations I am usually the one who finds games for the kids to play, or calms down my cousins' children by making them laugh. Every time Erin and I go to a restaurant there is always some kid who ends up poking his head over the seat to play peek-a-boo with me, laughing the whole time. Hell, I went over to a friend's house recently and some kid I have never met before gave me a picture he drew. Even stranger is that this kid, apparently, never talks to anyone he doesn't know, except for me.

Yet, even with my powers of child-wrangling awesomeness, I still can't drudge up the desire to ever spawn one.

I guess you could split this one however you'd like. Some will flippantly call me bitter (I'd say honest), some might call me disturbed (I'd say realist), and others might agree (If so, thank you). But the important thing to take from this, as is with anything I write on my PERSONAL BLOG, is that it is my opinion. If it doesn't align with your sensibilities, then by all means disagree, or, better yet, stop reading. I honestly couldn't care less.

I will leave you with the wise advice of Patton Oswalt: "My wife and I will have an imaginary baby and name it 12 hours of sleep a night."

Thank you,

Neil Hiatt

High School

2010-05-31T00:42:00.000-07:00

"True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country." - Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

Not long ago, I was having a discussion with my step-brothers (to save their embarrassment, I will not disclose their names). Let's call them Jake and Zack C.

Wait, that's too obvious...how about J & Z Corbett? Yes, that will do just fine. (For the record, I know that is a Simpsons joke.)

J, Z, and I were having a discussion about college.

(No, not Jay-Z the rapper, smart ass.)

We started off in typical fashion, jawing over class schedules, professors, and academic degrees in general when I brought up the point that I love college infinitely more than high school. My hatred for all things high school couldn't even be measured.

Growing up in Payson, Utah, I wasn't afforded the best learning environment.

Between teachers who were arrested for drug possession, foreign exchange students who made a terrorist video tape after 9/11, teachers sleeping with students (I graduated with this one), firearms at basketball games, and an overall attitude of "I don't give a shit" from 95% of my teachers, it was hard to really like my high school. I had educators who would put in a video and then fall asleep in their offices. It's cute for one day, but how many times can you really get a "message" from watching The Great Gatsby?

Anyway, I was surprised to find that my comment about hating high school was only met with an awkward silence. Z shuffled his feet for a moment and then sputtered, "I...I liked high school."
"Yeah," J added. "Me too. I wish I could go back there."

Z agreed to this statement by nodding with extreme approval.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is where my mind exploded...

(Much like this)

They actually WANTED to go back to high school?

"Why?" I scoffed through my remaining neck hole.
"Well, you know..." Z stated, apparently not hearing my scoff.

"It was fun. All of your friends were there and you could just hang out," J offered.

This is where I stopped the conversation. I couldn't--and still can't--believe that people pine over something as trivial as HIGH SCHOOL.

When I was in high school, I couldn't wait to get out! I had a lot of friends who were in high school with me, but I still didn't want to spend my days in what could be called a glorified day care center.

Remember how important everything seemed in high school? Every stupid little squabble over who had nicer clothes or more friends? Remember how you felt when you realized none of it was important? I was 14 when I realized that fact...and that's probably what I hated the most. It was fake, a sham. High school is the snake oil salesman of importance.

The more I thought about why anyone would want to "relive" high school, the closer I came to the realization that high school was probably all these people had to begin with.

It's the people who, after graduating, come back the next year and hang out in the parking lot or talk about how awesome they were in high school.

No offense to J or Z, (or to Jay-Z) it's just that they seem to have really defined themselves by who they were in high school. It seems, at least to them, that high school was the peak of their popularity and self-importance. They look back on those days as the best of their lives...but what does that make their present?

Fortunately, that's not the way I see the world. I had great experiences in high school...but I still wouldn't want to go back and relive my "glory days." I would prefer to push forward and create new memories, new experiences, and meet new friends. I can leave the conceded drama of high school behind me and be content in what happens now.

Once again, I love my family members to death...but let high school go because it sure as hell has let go of you.

For My Sister

2010-05-17T12:22:00.000-07:00

There is a war going on in the workplace...
A war between employers and social networking sites.

Recently my sister Brittney has become a casualty of that war.
Her office has blocked off social networking sites such as myspace and facebook, leaving her to toil away at her job instead of updating her status and playing farmville like God intended.

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel my beloved sister!
They haven't blocked off BLOGS!

So I give you this gift to keep your mind from exploding at work...I give you...PAC-MAN!

Arcade Games
Enjoy!

From Your Loving Brother,

Neil

So Many Crazy People...So Little Patience

2010-05-03T23:00:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine, Spencer King, posted on Facebook the other day a very disturbing video.
It was of a young "stand-up comic" by the name of Nick Madson, headlining a local club.

Here it is (Warning: Explicit Content)

The disturbing part of said video is that none of those jokes are his own. They were stolen word for word from great comics such as Patton Oswalt, Dave Attell, Maria Bamford, and Richard Jeni to name a few (the last comic, Richard Jeni, tragically passed away in 2007).

Patton Oswalt exposed the charlatan in a two-part blog series here, Part one, and here, part two.

Apparently, Nick had written an "apology" letter to Patton Oswalt stating that the show was a benefit show for a struggling theatre and that he only used those acts because he was a last-minute add-on to the show and didn't have his own material...all of that would have been understandable, if any of it were true...which it wasn't.

In part two of Patton's blog, he researched Nick's supposed fundraiser story by calling the opening acts for the show and emailing the club itself. Everyone responded with a resounding BULL-SHIT!

Come to find out Nick Madson had been paid by the club, as a headliner, and had told everyone and I am quoting from Mr. Oswalt's blog here, "He [Nick] claims to have been a guest on Tough Crowd With Colin Quinn, and to be one of Comedy Central's 100 Greatest Comedians, and to be filming a one-hour stand-up comedy special for Comedy Central in the fall, and also claims to be a writer for me [Patton Oswalt], Louis C.K., and Dave Attell."

Now this is where the story goes out of the realm of joke-stealing-upstart and into terrifying pathological liar and Sociopath.

WOW! Okay, sorry for the long intro; I just wanted to give you the example that sparked this debate within myself. I brought up the Patton Oswalt vs. Nick Madson issue to shine a bright light on the topic of Sociopaths.

A Sociopath (now more commonly known as Antisocial personality disorder) is an individual who has little or no remorse for his or her actions and will have personality traits such as pathological lying, showing "sham emotion" (much like the fake remorse shown by Nick Madson), and doing everything in their power to call attention to themselves, no matter what the cost (be it phisical or emotional manipulation), just to name a few.

According to Dr. Martha Stout's book The Sociopath Next Door , 1 in every 25 people is a possible Sociopath. A staggering number, to say the least, especially if you know a lot of people.

I, myself, knew a person who fits those exact descriptions. We were best friends from the ninth grade until I was twenty. And after six years of "friendship" it is absolutely mind boggling to think of the bullshit this guy spewed out.

For the sake of anonymity, we will not call this person by his real name. Instead, we will call him Assface McDouchetart.

Assface McDouchetart was a liar...and not your average liar who lied to keep out of trouble or save someones feelings, but a liar who did it to make his otherwise boring and non-existent personality look better.

Here are just a few examples of lies he told...

1. "I was adopted" - Not true

2. "I am 1/8th black" - Really 1/8? That's one half of 1/4...that's almost nothing...not to mention that it's not true.

3. "I'm Irish" - Really? Wow you are a genetic lottery here! Just because your STEP FATHER is Irish that doesn't make YOU Irish! My step father is German does that make me a part of the father land now?

4. "I was shot in the back with a shot gun a while back." Then, after being asked if we could see the scars, he said, "I have special skin, so it healed up..."

What the F$#K?!?!? Special skin? What are you, an X-man? There is only one person with "special skin" and it's not you...it's this guy.

5. How about the time he told everyone he went on tour with my band as its "merch boy," when, in fact, he stayed home while I went on tour.

6. How about when he started talking in a Chicago accent when the band I was touring with from Chicago was here? How about when he started talking in Ebonics whenever someone who was black was around?

7. Also, he told people that he was in the Russian drug trade. - Jesus Christ, seriously? The Russian drug trade...in Utah? Doesn't seem like the most marketable place for Russians to traffic...I could have believed a cartel or something, considering our distance from the border...but Russians? Well, Sarah Palin, how far are the Russians from your house in Utah?

8. Here is the big one...he told everyone that he had a tumor and that the doctor said he had one year to live? He borrowed money from his friends for "medical expenses" and would go into "seizures" whenever he didn't get his way? And when that year had come up, he was fine. Then, he said that his tumor "comes and goes." Well, here is a medical fact...tumors...DON'T JUST COME AND GO! That would be a FUC$ING MIRACLE!

These are just a few of the lies ONE PERSON told. And what shocks me the most is even after he was caught LYING ABOUT A TUMOR! Most of his friends still stuck around...insecurity at its finest.

Movies That Didn't Hit Big In The Box Office...But You Really Should See!

2010-04-26T15:23:00.000-07:00

MOVIES!
You see trailers for them, you plan weekends around them, some of you have gotten laid because of them. They are to us now what the gladiators were to the Romans in 264 BC...pure entertainment.

But every so often between the onslaught and hype of mega-budget blockbusters and sparkly Vampire garbage fluff some really great films slip right under our noses.

So here is my list, in no particular order, of movies that weren't very successful commercially but were just plain-old fun!

Neil Hiatt's List Of Ten Awesome Movies Not Many People Saw But You Should See

1. Kick-Ass

Kick-Ass is the story of a high school kid who decides he is going to become a super hero, not because of vengeance, not because he has superpowers, but because he is bored. He buys a suit and just heads out swinging.

This movie...was AWESOME! (Note: Not for anyone with delicate sensibilities.) The Hyper-Violent, fast-paced, pop atmosphere of this film sends up the comic book movie genre with a giant foot ready to Kick Ass! I know it doesn't look like much but if you go in with an open mind and just to be entertained, you most definitely will be. A great cast, caustic quick-wit writing, and some action-scene slaughter all at the hands of an 11-year-old girl makes this one of my favorite movies of 2010. It's a shame that no one really is giving it a chance in the theaters because it really deserves a great run. I am hoping word of mouth or at least a high DVD rental will boost this one up more.

2. The Lookout

Joseph Gordon-Levitt stars in the story of Chris Pratt, a once-promising high school athlete whose life is turned upside down following a tragic accident. As he tries to maintain a normal life, he takes a job as a janitor at a bank, where he ultimately finds himself caught up in a planned heist.
This movie is fan-freaking-tastic! A razor-sharp thriller with top-notch performances from Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Jeff Daniels, Isla Fisher, and Matthew Goode. I don't know how this one missed its day in the sun, but you definitely shouldn't wait another day to see it.

3. Primer

What do you get when an engineer decides to make a movie? A smart, visually strong time travel movie is what you freaking get! Primer stars, was written, directed, and produced by Shane Carruth. A former engineer and mathematician, Shane decided that he wanted to make a movie about time travel using REAL MATH. And here is the kicker...he doesn't dumb it down for the audience, so bring your quantum physics books with you and an abacus, because shit is going to get real! I will admit the acting is a little bland in some areas, but considering he made this movie himself with a handful of friends, I am cutting the guy an ass-load of slack, especially because the visual aspects are insane for a first-time director. Make sure you PAY ATTENTION through this one or you will get lost!

4. The Escapist

A dark prison escape movie from the UK, The Escapist is a character-driven treat! Damien Lewis (Life, Band of Brothers), Brian Cox (X2, The Ring, Super Troopers) and Joseph Fiennes (Flash Forward) star in this raw and edgy film. The ending is a little cliché but with the knockout performances from Brian Cox and the downright evil portrayal Damien Lewis gives, you won't even care.

5. Brick

Taking cues from such film-noir classics as The Maltese Falcon, The Big Sleep, and The Lady from Shanghai, director Rian Johnson (The Brothers Bloom) delivers a Neo-Noir masterpiece.
Brick has the workings of a pulp-crime detective story but localized within a modern Southern California high school. The dialogue is straight-up 1940s slang and delivers a quick-witted punch. With expressionistic lighting aspects and the movie's grainy filter, it pays off visually and in a big way. This is another PAY ATTENTION movie, so shut up and watch!

6. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

A lot of you probably have never even heard of this movie and let me tell you that is a TRAVESTY! Kiss Kiss Bang Bang takes film-noir, dark comedy, and witty banter, blends it together, and then shoves it right up your ass! The movie stars a pre-Iron Man Robert Downey Jr. as Harry, a petty thief who during a botched Christmas robbery accidentally winds up in a movie audition. He is then given a screen test in Los Angeles and detective lessons from a gay detective played by Val Kilmer (Tombstone). Murder, hilarity, and severed fingers ensue as everything goes from bad to bad-ass! This movie had about a week in the theaters and then disappeared to the back shelf at Block-Buster Video. It's a shame it never got the promotion it so readily deserves because every moment in this film is F...U...N...FUN! I can understand why no one really paid attention to it though--I mean, come on, look at that trailer...it's awful! But if you can look past the terrible trailer and go see this incredible movie I promise you won't be disappointed.

7. Frailty

Actor Bill Paxton (Apollo 13, Titanic, Aliens, Twister & Big Love) directs this white-knuckle religious thriller.
The movie is about a man who confesses to an FBI agent his family's story of how his religious fanatic father's visions lead to a series of murders to destroy supposed "demons."
I have to say, I never really liked Matthew McConaughey, but in this movie he shines as a tormented (mostly shirted) son retelling the story of his murderous Zealot of a father. Bill Paxton directs with a light homage to the Hitchcock style of filmmaking by using subjective shots, low-key lighting, and getting the audience involved with the characters. The movie was in the theaters for a short while with little to no response fiscally, but I have to say, I loved every single frame of this film.

8. Kung-Pow: Enter the Fist

An absolute insane movie. Steve Oedekerk (Writer of Bruce Almighty and Nothing to Lose) digitally implants himself into an old Kung-Fu movie and re-dubs all of the dialogue himself. A screwball comedy to the 10th degree. You really have to go in with an open mind, but if you just sit back and let yourself be entertained, you will be.

9. Sunshine

Directed by Danny Boyle (28 Days Later, Slumdog Millionaire, Trainspotting) Sunshine is a science fiction thriller about a team of astronauts 50 years in the future who are sent to re-ignite the dying sun. There is something about a director like Boyle who can make the most visually stunning imagery scare the living shit out of you. Even though it boasts a fairly young cast, I never once stopped believing in the characters and their mission.

10. Bubba Ho-Tep

There just isn't a complete "Awesome Movies List" without Bruce Campbell (Evil Dead, Army of Darkness, Burn Notice). Bubba Ho-Tep is about an aging Elvis and a black man who believes the CIA has transplanted JFK's brian into his body, fighting for the souls of their fellow residents as they battle an ancient Egyptian Mummy. Yup...That is the premise of this movie...and it is FREAKING AWESOME! A low-budget, B-style horror comedy that pretty much anyone can love. Please check this out.

So there it is, my list of movies that rock but didn't get the right push for the box office results. But in my opinion...f#^k the box office results bull. These movies were awesome, and you should check them out. And if you have a movie that you feel deserves to be on the list, don't hesitate to post a comment and a link to the trailer.

Thank you,

Neil Hiatt

P.S. - For anyone who complains about how most of the movies on the list are rated R...here is something to calm your o-so-delicate sensibilities.

An Open Letter To Whoever Took My Car Keys...(WARNING EXPLICIT CONTENT)

2010-03-24T10:50:00.000-07:00

To whom it may concern,

I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for finding my keys for me.
I accidentally left them in the computer lab, on the first day of class, when I forgot to unplug my jump drive from the computer I was using.

I hope you realize that it wasn't just MY car keys on that chain but the remote lock to my car, my house key, my girlfriend's house key, the key to my Dad's house, the key to my Dad's shop, the Pirates of The Caribbean key chain my friend Josh gave me, and a red 16 gigabyte jump drive which would have held my assignments for this semester.

Did you notice how I used the past-tense would have to end that last paragraph?
Well, that's because after you found my keys you decided NOT TO RETURN THEM! It has been four months, and you couldn't just drop them off in the lost and found?

I understand that a 16-gigabyte hard drive is a pretty awesome thing to just find lying around, and I don't even care that you STOLE that...but why didn't you drop off the rest of the keys and chain to the lost and found?

Oh, that's right because...

Now that we have gotten that out of the way, let's get to how I really feel.

I feel sorry for you that you fulfill your ~~probably~~ pathetic life by taking things that do not belong to you.

I also feel hope. Hope, that you used the jump drive to upload something frivolous, like illegal pornography and that you were immediately arrested for that pornography and are now in jail, being ass-raped. Because that's what people who steal deserve...to be raped...in the ass.

I also hope this guy is your cell mate...

Because he looks big and angry!

So, in closing, thank you again for finding my keys and reaffirming my stance that most people are thieving, soulless bastards.

Cordially,

Neil

From Walking On The Moon To Dancing Away Your Dignity

2010-03-21T13:31:00.000-07:00

Edwin Eugene Aldrin Jr. or "Buzz," as most people know him, is a retired Air Force pilot, mechanical engineer, West Point graduate, and mother-F$#@ing Astronaut!

For those of you who don't recognize his credits, let me refresh your memory...

BOOM!!!!

THE SECOND MAN EVER TO WALK ON THE MOON!

After graduating 3rd in his class at the prestigious West Point Academy and

flying 66 missions as a Jet Fighter Pilot in the Korean War, Buzz Aldrin was eventually selected as the pilot for the Apollo 11 mission.

A life like that of Buzz Aldrin is something of a wonder. Amid space exploration and heroism he contributed significantly to an exciting new frontier and even pioneered training techniques that are still in use at NASA today. Buzz Aldrin is a man whose career and life should be studied with the respect that a hero deserves...but leave it to American Reality Television to royally fuck that up.

On Monday, March 22nd 2010 you will see an American astronaut's dignity die in a spectacular display of disco lights, sequins, and shame.

And who do we have to thank for this freak show?

The American Broadcasting Company's Dancing with the Stars.

Dancing with the Stars is ABC's crown Jewel (or cubic zirconia) for their Monday night line up and, in my opinion, a place where C- to D-list celebrities samba their way into my gag reflex.

I find it shameful that an American hero like Col. Aldrin will be forced to share a stage with the drudge of the D-list. Lab-created gems such as Pamela Anderson, Kate Gosselin (from John and Kate Plus Eight), Shannon Doherty, and Former Republican House Majority Leader (and campaign finance money launderer) Tom Delay, to name a few. (Note: Delay is not on this season but did appear on one of the seasons of Dancing with the Stars.)

The first question I asked when I heard about Col. Aldrin's appearance on this show was...why?

Come to find out it is a sad story indeed. In a recent interview with zap2it.com Col. Aldrin stated,

"Living on Air Force retirement and Social Security, I'm forced to go out and sing for my supper quite a bit...Most of the astronauts are in the business of marketing memorabilia and autographs. It's not like a football player, being paid millions and millions, and it's a shame that somebody who has gone to the moon has to do that."

I find that it is a sad commentary about our priorities that someone as intelligent and courageous as Col. Buzz Aldrin has to dance on the stage for nickels at this point in his life, while the airwaves are full of 'instant-pseudo-celebrities' such as Paris Hilton, Spencer & Heidi Pratt, the douchetards on Jersey Shore (as well as The Hills), and most 'reality' TV contestants with no talent or skill, who contribute nothing of substance to our real lives, who make millions of dollars yearly. Every minute of their pathetic lives is detailed by trash entertainment news programs, web sites, and magazines, while Col. Aldrin has reached far and beyond the call of duty than most Americans yet is pushed into this debauchery.

I want to make it clear that I do not intend to disrespect Col. Aldrin with this blog, but I find it shameful that he is being paraded across a stage like a circus monkey for our enjoyment.

I hope this isn't a new trend of taking enduring heroes and burning any remembrance of their former greatness.

Because I never want to see this...

On the other hand, I can see why Buzz would want to join the show after seeing his dance partner...

<= HOT!

BOOSH!

Commonly Used Words and/or Phrases I Can't Stand

2010-03-17T14:02:00.000-07:00

The English language boasts approximately a quarter of a million
different words and phrases.

A lot of the words that appear in the lexicon are derived from what we consider to be our very own English,

with the most immediately recognizable forms dating all the way back to AD 1300. English "technically" comes

mostly from early Germanic, but so many other languages have crept

in and left their own stamps on our lexicon.

That's a lot of stuff to keep straight.

I feel that a rich vocabulary can open doors in social and employment circles and help build a strong foundation as a person.

But the problem with language today is two-fold.

First, the Internet, as well as text messaging, has bastardized

communication to a series of grunts and ape-like noises.

Second, most slang...is just annoying.

Here is a short list of Words and/or Phrases that irritate me and why.

1. LOL (laugh out loud) - This has replaced the word Ha or funny.

I will admit that I played along at first but it didn't take long for me to grow annoyed with the lack of words in messaging. Also, this term can be horribly deceptive. You have to trust that the person is, in fact, laughing out loud (which they rarely are). It's patronizing...

2. Replacing any word with just a letter - (Example: U instead of you, C instead of see, and K instead of OKAY!) I understand that the day-to-day life of an average human being is rough...but not rough enough to exclude vowels and consonants. The first thing I think when I see this kind of writing, "Wht up? r u rely goin to th movi tody?" is that you are either a twelve-year-old girl or an idiot...sorry.

3. Adding extra letters to words or spelling words wrong on purpose (at least I think it's on purpose) -

Example: Oh Myyyy gash! I luurrv High Skool the Musical its soooo

knot boaring! I want to see it again tomarrow!

This one baffles me. I realize that as I get older trends will surpass my understanding...but seriously...this one makes you look like

a crazy person.

4. Words/phrases that bother me in general - Bestie, BFF,

for sure!, moist, favs, you-betcha, vaycay, avant-garde,

indie, emo, za (referring to pizza), going rogue, snarky, bohemian,

hipster, frumpy, and Maverick.

I know we can't all check our grammar at all times, I use comma splices like they are going out of style...but please, PLEASE, when writing

something, please at least try!

P.S. - Sorry this post looks weird.

I am having problems with the formatting of my page.

Happy 23rd Birthday Babe! (This Is Days Late...I Am Sorry But It Takes A While For Me To Write About This)

2010-03-04T02:14:00.000-08:00

Every March 3rd, I go for a drive.

I buckle my seat belt, plug my Ipod into my stereo, and then turn the dial to a play list marked Chelsea.

Before I can push play I put the car in gear and let the gentle pull of the tires take my car and myself down whatever road is the longest. The pavement pulls and disappears under my wheels like black taffy that has been stretched and pulled by the hands of God.

I take in every moment of silence as my thumb itches the play button, my mind quietly calculating the can of worms that would open if my thumb were to simply press down.

All the joy, sorrow, loss, and memories that would rise to the surface as they have regularly for the last five years.

William Somerset Maugham once said, "You can do anything in this world if you are prepared to take the consequences." and with the push of a button, I do just that.

As the music begins to play a wave of nostalgia envelopes me with every note and melody.

The first song on the list is "I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You" - By: Colin Hay from The Garden State Soundtrack.

The first time I heard this song I was sitting in my car with Chelsea. We had been dating for about a year and as in any relationship that goes on longer than a month the conversation was steering towards defining our relationship. She had asked me the question "How do you feel about me?" I had been shuffling through my CD's at the time (this was my pre-IPod days) pulling out the Garden State soundtrack and placing it into the player. I didn't hear her question and simply rested back into my seat, after a few seconds of silence the song began to play and she asked again, "How do you feel about me, Neil?"

I hate to say it but it took me a few moments to answer this question. If anyone knows me or my family then you would know that sharing our feelings is like wearing a sweater you got for Christmas: you try it on and it feels warm, but you never take it out of the house for others to see. I nodded my head towards the radio and said, "This song sums up everything."

She smiled and nestled her head into my chest, our breathing matched, as we sat in that comfortable silence where all things were uncertain.

I let the songs keep playing, each one attached to a memory, some good, some bad, but all more than worth it. As the songs finish out, I find myself at the Heber City Cemetery as I do every March 3rd and November 26th. Kneeling at the mis-marked gravestone (the date of her death was accidentally marked wrong) with a fist full of flowers I cry and remember my first love and my best friend.

Why I Think The T9 On My Cell Phone Hates Me.

2010-02-25T15:34:00.001-08:00

This Is My Phone:

This Is Me Trying To Use My Phone:

I know what you are thinking, "Neil, that's you holding a book, not a cell phone."

Yeah...what's your point?

If you read my last post then you know that I hate talking on the phone. That is why I am a huge proponent of the text function on my cell phone, more specifically the T9 aspect of texting.

T9, stands for "Text on 9 keys," it is a patented predictive text technology (say that ten times fast) for cell phones, and in the last month or so my T9 has completely lost its shit!

The idea behind T9 is that when you are typing, your phone will predict the text you are going to write based off the words you use most...that is the idea...but that is not what my phone is doing. MY phone is making up words and replacing common words with nonsense.

For example:

On the left side I will write the word that I originally intended to use, and on the right side I will write what my T9 keeps changing it to.

What I wrote: = What T9 Changed It To:

The = Tif

do = 36

don't = foot

if = he

Script = Rapist

to = 86

too = Tom

So imagine my surprise when I type out a simple text to my girlfriend and it is changed into a whole new message.

Here is what the text was supposed to say:

Hey,

Do you know if we are still going to the movies today?

We don't have to if you don't want to.

Let me know before school is out so I know to buy the tickets or not.

Love you too,

Neil

What T9 Changed It To:

Hey,

36 you know he we are still going 86 Tif movies today?
We foot have 86 he you foot want 86.
Let me know before school is out so I can 86 buy Tif tickets or not.

Love you Tom,

Neil

Who in the Hell are Tom and Tif and why do their names appear before the words too and the?!?!?!

Here is another one that is potentially embarrassing:

Hey Josh,
Do you want to work on that script?

What T9 Changed It To:

Hey Josh,
36 you want 86 work on that Rapist?

Seriously? RAPIST?!?!?!?!?
I don't think it is too much to ask for a phone that doesn't need a symbologist to translate what I am trying to write?

The Samsung T819 phone is not bad for phone calls and web browsing to a very minimal amount...but its texting parameters are crap!

This is why I should buy an Iphone.

Neil Hiatt's List Of Things That Will Cause Him To Straight-Up Murder You (Figuratively Speaking Of Course)

2010-02-17T15:12:00.001-08:00

Okay let's get right to the point!

People...are Assholes...all of them...even the good ones (yes, myself included).

I have come to terms with this fact, and although I do believe that most people generally have good intentions and try to be decent, for the most part they eventually drop reason, logic, and tact and become total dicks.

And it takes a special kind of douche bag to irritate me to the point of (possible) violence.
(Note: this post is in jest. So, NO I don't believe that violence should come before eloquent debate...work with me here.)

So I have compiled a list of attitudes/behaviors/personality types/events that piss me off in general.

With this list I will include Why It Makes Me Mad, A Rating of How Mad It Makes Me, & How I Would Dispose of These People If It Weren't Illegal.

I will rate my hatred for them using a little tool Erin and I devised.
Behold!

The Mess-You-Up-O-Meter

How The Mess-You-Up-O-Meter Works

The meter goes from left to right and the ranges are as follows:

On the left we have the "Bitch Please" rating which while low, warrants a flesh wound or at least a pummeling.

Next, we have the "Oh, No You Didn't" rating. This rating comes with a pimp slap and a few stabs to the chest.

After that there is the "Shit Just Got Real." When this rating shows up...it means shit just got real.

Fourth is the rating "Foot Up Yo Ass." It's pretty self explanatory.

Last, but certainly not least, is the "Mess You Up" rating. When this comes up on the scale it means I will straight-up murder you and send your remaining pieces across the globe.

Do you understand the rating system? GREAT!!!!

Without further interruption...

Neil Hiatt's List Of Things That Will Cause Him To Straight-Up Murder You!

1. People who complain about their circumstances...but do absolutely nothing to change them.

Recent Offenders

Most of the human race.

How It Rates

Bitch Please!

Why It Makes Me Mad
This upsets me on a few levels.

First, the offenders are always non-apologetic whiners (and yes I see the hypocrisy of complaining about people who complain but it's my blog...so suck it)! They complain about their lives, their boyfriends/girlfriends, their jobs, what movie they just saw, the quality of restaurants, etc. According to them their lives are hard and they just don't have any time for anything.

Second, about 90% of these people's problems are of their own design.
- They complain about their jobs...yet never look for any other work or ways to better their current situation. Note: If you hate your job...get another one. If that doesn't work out go back to school and better your situation...hell, join the military I don't care just SHUT UP!

- They say they don't have enough time to do the things they want but stay out incredibly late and overbook their schedules with events they could easily say NO to.

- Their Boyfriend/Girlfriend doesn't pay enough attention to them, call them enough, treat them like a king/queen, blah, blah, blah! Note: Chances are if he or she isn't the person you want now...they probably won't be later, and if they haven't changed for you yet...then they probably don't want to change and you should just MOVE ON. Also, why are you with someone you just want to change in the first place? If you want to be treated like a Queen/King then you should also be prepared for a revolution or the class warfare that comes with the crown.

- Everything is just soooooo hard for them. The slightest problem shows up and they completely SHUT DOWN and are inconsolable. Look, I understand that everybody's life is hard...but there will always be someone who has life harder than you do...for example click here and here or maybe here just to name a few.

Third, and final for this one, when these people are offered the chance to change their poor circumstances...they don't take them! When given good advice they back peddle and then downplay their problems or just flat-out refuse to make any positive steps forward. This has led me to believe that they do this purely for attention and not the good kind like you want. For these people it's easier to get negative attention and pity than actually doing something worthwhile and earning praise...but so is life I guess.

How I Would Do It
Since this one is low on the Mess-You-Up-O-Meter I would only beat them with a large tree branch and then stick the branch ends under their fingernails.

2. Blatant Homophobia and Racism.

Recent Offenders
My old scout master (racist), that guy who wouldn't walk through the door I was holding open because he was afraid someone would think he was gay (homophobia to an absurd degree), My Junior year seminary teacher (sad to say, Racism), etc.

How It Rates

Foot Up Yo Ass

Why It Makes Me Mad
This one ranks pretty high for me simply because it BAFFLES me!

How, in this day and age, can someone still feel that degree of hatred for a person based on something so superficial? I'm not saying that everyone doesn't make judgements based off generalizations...because we all do for example. But it is the intent and action that comes from those biases that can be harmful. And don't get me wrong, this isn't a slam on theology and their disagreements with homosexuality and such, I'm not even going to touch that, because even religion teaches you to be TOLERANT with views that are different than yours...so at least I can be forgiving there. But that's not what upsets me...what upsets me is the blatant hatred that is thrown out by ignorant people. Like the scout master who said,"All Martin Luther King said was 'I have a dream.' I've had plenty of dreams and no one makes a holiday about me," and skirts the entire civil rights movement based off a logical fallacy. Not to mention the abundant use of the N-word that he used after making that statement. It's that kind of unnecessary hatred that boils my blood.

How I Would Do It

I would place them in a room with the people they hate and force them to have an open and logical discussion. The sudden use of tact and reason in this person's life would cause him to have an aneurysm and die.

3. When People Give My Contact Information Out To Multi-Level Marketing Schemes And Sales Jobs.

Recent Offenders

Aarron Heywood, Credit Card Companies, Friends That Are In M.L.M.s

How It Rates

Foot Up Yo Ass

Why It Makes Me Mad

For those of you who don't know me it might surprise you to find out I HATE, HATE, H...A...T...E, talking on the phone, so when I get phone calls from people looking for me to join Pre-Paid Legal, Noni, Sales, etc., I want to grab a gun and shoot every cell phone tower on Earth.

I only bring this up because this happened recently. I ran into an old friend from high school (Aarron Heywood...sorry for using your name bro...but you gave out my number so I guess we are even now) at a local concert.

We got to talking and decided that it would be cool to get together and hang out, the possibility of motorcycle riding was brought up. So we exchanged information, I.E. my cell phone number, and then got into a conversation about what the both of us were currently doing in our lives. I told Aarron about how I was in school and just started on my major in Digital Media and Aarron told me about an insurance sales job that he had just started. I congratulated Aarron on his new job and exclaimed at how it fit his personality perfectly (He is very eloquent and great at sales). It was here that I thought this conversation would end...but to my surprise it wasn't.

About three days after speaking to Aarron I got a phone call from his boss who told me he had gotten my phone number from Aarron. He then gave me a pitch about joining Aarron's "team." Mind you, this is the exact same pitch I was giving people at my old sales job. They would build enthusiasm, pitch you the product, then take it away...it was only my experience from my last job that I saw through this and frankly, I was a little insulted. I was also driving home from a long day of filming at school and still had a screenplay due, a web site layout to compose, and I needed to watch Citizen Kane and write a paper on what I had seen...not to mention that I was incredibly pissed off to find that my personal cell phone number was given out without my consent.

Aarron, apparently, took my enthusiasm towards his new job as interest in having this job myself...which I assure you I don't. I have tried my hand at sales before and I failed miserably and have no desire to venture into the bold and brave world of sales...so it was to my fury that I was being pitched on something I wasn't interested in from someone who got my information without my knowledge.

How I Would Do It

I would take the cell phone and sim card then forcefully shove them so far up your ass you will still get full reception and clarity when someone calls you.

4. Being Condesending And/Or Unessecarily Rude To My Girlfriend

Recent Offenders

My Stepdad, Her Ex, Others

How It Rates

Mess You Up!

Why It Makes Me Mad

I kind of feel bad that I have to post this, because in all truth Erin is very capable of handling condescending jackasses herself (seriously she may be small but she can mentally, verbally, and probably physically beat the shit out of all of you.)

Really this one kind of goes without saying...but I will say it anyway just to be clear.

I don't care what you say about me, I don't care what you think about me, to be honest your opinion of me doesn't effect my sense of self worth AT ALL. Even if you think it does...it doesn't.

Let me put it this way, there are only two people in my life whose opinions I really care about. One of them is Erin and the other is dead.

So with that being said, you can say whatever you want about me, but if you try to talk down or condescend to her I will F#$king hunt you down!

How I Would Do It

I don't want to go into too much detail, but let's just say it would involve sharp objects, my fists, my feet, and only one of us coming out alive.

So, there they are. The top four things that if you do I will kill you.

Now that you know them I really hope it will never come to that.

Thank you and Goodnight.

Neil Spencer Hiatt

My Band Is Playing!

2010-01-26T08:25:00.000-08:00

Charging Frederick is playing at Velour! Wed. February 3rd.
With A Failsafe story and Morning of the Season. Show starts at 8:00 P.M. and is $5.00 at the door.
135 North University Avenue in Provo.

1.21 Gigawatts

2010-01-04T17:09:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: I think BYU is a great school...however, with the "Honor Code" and the fact that most of its student body seems to be trapped in the nuclear age, Erin and I decided this would be a more appropriate logo. (Note: Erin goes to BYU.)

"Time circuits, on. Flux Capacitor...fluxing. Engine running."

"Where we're going, we don't need roads."

(Cue Allan Silvestri Music.)

Letter From Camp # 1

2009-12-16T16:06:00.000-08:00

This is part of my final project for Creative Writing, it covers my humanities credit for Gen Ed. We were instructed to take two genres and write a ten to twenty page project between the two of them. I chose first person creative fiction and poetry. For my creative fiction section I wrote a series of four letters from the point of view of a thirteen year old who has been sent to fat camp against his will. I wanted it to be a sardonic, nihilistic piece but my teacher said that was too glib and wanted my character to change "for the better" while I agree that helps me to branch out as a writer I still feel that the original idea was more humorous.

Letters From Camp

Letter 1

To my dear Mother and Father,

Hey, family unit! It’s me, your loving first-born son, Billy, writing you all the way from the sunny, lakeside shores of Camp Sacajawea. I wish you could see it, the vast, green foliage settled on a majestic backdrop of rolling mountains and blue sky, all reflected upon the shimmering surface of Lake Whinniepoopoo. It's just as the brochure that I found in your sock drawer described it: “Camp Sacajawea: The perfect place for your plump progeny.”

Everything is going swell so far here at camp. The other kids are super nice . . . all four metric tons of them! I only know this number because the moment we stepped off the bus we were sped away to the “Reflection Room,” a large, mess-hall-like building where a giant cattle scale “reflected” everyone’s current weight. I found the process to be quite interesting because, apparently, in order to weigh us correctly the counselors were instructed to strip us down to our underwear, take our luggage and our money, and then proceeded to take our dignity by giving us all special nicknames; my nickname is “Moobs” a clever conjunction on the term man-boobs.

Once they measured our weight (mine being a hearty 190, which, apparently, is overweight for a 5 foot 5 inch thirteen-year-old) and gave us our nicknames, we were taken to the sleeping quarters. Our bunks are typical of any camp except for one small detail: as a new member to a camp for “weight-challenged individuals,” I find it odd that they didn't think to reinforce the beds. Apparently the golem that had occupied my bunk prior to my camp experience was much heavier than myself. This is, of course, an assumption based off the fact that my bed springs had committed hara-kiri and have left a disemboweled mess of springs and steel. Now when I lay down I sink down to the floor and sleep in my mattress cocoon.

After we unpacked what was left of our belongings, we were introduced to our counselors, who then raided our materials for contraband.

My favorite counselor so far is Head Counselor Chip, a surly ex-Navy Seal with a glass eye. He has helped us “find our fit” through such clever motivational phrases as, “Find your fit.”

When asked about how he lost his eye, Head Counselor Chip popped out the glass peeper already in his head and stated, “I gouged it out so I could get a better look at how much you've let yourselves go.” He chuckled lightly and proceeded to drop the eye into my hand. Hours later, when I awoke in the first aid hutch, I was told that I had blacked out and was informed that the reason my throat hurt was because I had been screaming so loudly.

Well, it seems that dinner time has in fact has come. Counselor Chip has promised us a Southwest blend of beans and no-carb tortillas. He has even donned a festive sombrero to mark the occasion. I’ve also been told that they will serve us dinner tonight in the Reflection Room, with that damnable scale hovering over us like a grim specter of things to come.

Until next time family unit

Sincerely,

Billy

P.S. Fun Camp Fact: Head Counselor Chip has shared a delightful story of how he and his wife had turned a once-dilapidated internment camp into the proud Children’s Weight Management Facility that it is today.

P.P.S. I hope that Cheryl, the sweet sister that she is, is enjoying her graduation present and having a great time in Maui...

Letter From Camp # 2

2009-12-16T16:05:00.000-08:00

Letters From Camp Part 2

Letter 2

Dear Famn-Damily,

Well it seems like we have had a miscommunication. Apparently sarcasm doesn’t translate through the written word for some of you...that and I may have over-exaggerated a little in my last letter and would like to clear the air. I would like to let Mom know that I am flattered and thankful that she thought to alert the police to the situation, as unnecessary as that turned out to be. After discussing the letter with Head Counselor Chip, the camp therapist, and the state police, they have decided to let me stay here at Camp Sacajawea under the condition that I write a “retraction” in this letter.

First off, we weren’t literally “stripped naked” when they weighed us in yesterday...but, to be fair, they did make us take off our shoes. Second, one person did call me “moobs,” but it wasn’t a counselor, it was my bunk mate Richard (who, for the sake of argument, has larger “moobs” than I do). He’s a nice guy actually, just a little rough around his rounded edges.

Third, and final, I didn’t black out like I said I did (but that d-bag Head Counselor Chip DID pop his glass eye out into my hand, which was gross and scared the crap out of me). On a positive note my letter did get me a new mattress, since the old one was mashed up something fierce from its prior owner...so that’s good, right?

I’m sorry for any stress that I have caused. It’s just that I am still a little confused as to why I have been sent here when everyone else seems to be free to have a more relaxing summer. And by “everyone” I mean Cheryl.

Counselor Chip did come through on the grub last night. We ate burritos with organic pico-de-gallo. The food’s not that bad. That doesn’t make it In-n-Out Burger, by any means, but it’s still a meal. I am surprised at what kinds of food we are served. It’s just like the food at home, only in more controlled portions.

While we are on the subject of food, today we met with the camp nutritionist/physician, Dr. Karen Folmack. She is in charge of setting up our diet and meal plans for the whole camp. She took a BMI (Body Mass Index) then ran me through some tests. She had me run on a treadmill for 30 minutes and then do a series of pushups, sit-ups, and lifting various weights in fifteen-minute intervals. She said this was to test out my stamina and durability. Hours later, when I woke up in the first aid hutch, again, I was told that I blacked out...just kidding. I did get really winded though. Dr. Folmack says that will not be the case in the coming days, so that’s good, I guess.

I feel kind of bad for some of the other campers, though. The kids are all different sizes, and while I might be a little “portly” (as mom puts it), there are some people here that really need some help. There’s this kid, Jacob, his parents had to bring him here in a special van because he couldn’t fit on the bus with everyone else. When his parents pulled away, everyone was staring at him. He tried to look strong but last night...I thought I heard him crying.

Tomorrow they promise to set us up with our personal fitness coaches, and we get to choose what activities we want to do. I’m thinking of hitting up the rock wall and maybe kickboxing. They offer a swimming class here, but I’m not sure if I’m ready to remove my shirt just yet. It was hard enough to do that in front of Dr. Folmack.

Well that’s enough for tonight. They’ve assigned all of our bunks with different animal names. We are the otters, and we have to make shirts and a chant for flag ceremonies tomorrow.

Well, I have to get to bed. Otter is Hotter!

Love,

Billy

P.S. Could you guys send me my friend Jared’s address? They don’t have e-mail here, and I wanted to write him a letter. Thanks again.